- Get on. Especially if you see children. Just get off. Immediately. And take all the adults with you. Let that boat sail off with just children on board. You'll thank me later.
- Buy the pre-paid drinks package. When you do the math*, you will realize that you just need to drink 7 drinks every night to make it worth your while. You will worry about the 15 drink maximum being a little low until after the first night when you realize you made it to 3.
- Make conversation with the nice old guy at the bar next to you. You will then spend the next six days dodging him. Even though he has a pool in the OC and you are allowed to use it any time.
- Gamble. Except if you are me and you win $450 after one button push. I am so good at gambling. I don't know what all the fuss is about. Gambling is easy.
- Gamble. If you are me and you don't know how to play Blackjack because there are a lot of mathematical equations. And people are very impatient and will not wait for you to get out your calculator. And counting cards is not as easy as it's cracked up to be**.
- Swim in the kids pool. In the kids pool, there is water, children...and other stuff.
- Drugs. The fact that I had to put that on the list says something.
- Be late back to the ship after being in port all day. And definitely don't try and smuggle tequila on board. And definitely don't say that you're late back because you were trying to smuggle tequila on board.
- Follow the sexy guitar player around and make friends with his family. Pretty safe to say I am on their Xmas card list. But banned from being within 25ft of him. Which is fine because he can still hear me and see me waving. And stuff.
- Wait until your friend is in the bathroom before you decide you have to vomit. Because then you have two options - (a) do it over the side, which does not lead to the ocean below. Just the next deck. And the life boats. Or (b) use the trash can. Lets just say - a little of column a and a little of column b.
- Take all your bags to the lifeboat drill. Apparently, if there is an accident and you have to leave the ship, you cannot bring your bags with you. Not even your carry-on. Which is unreasonable because that has my hair straightener and I need that.
- The old guy that looks like he was the drummer for Steppenwolf***.
- Try and go to the front of the line. There are very strict rules about standing in line and line etiquette and whatever you do, don't try and save a sun-lounger for your friend who just went to the bathroom. Cruise-goers are professionals at muttering under and over their breath. Also they will throw you overboard if they don't get their way
- Sing along with the Piano Bar player. You might know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but that doesn't mean you should sing them in public. You also will think you know the words to La Bamba until you actually try and sing it in public. "Blah, blah, blah blah La Bamba...something, something soy marinero...yada yada, bam bam bamba..."
- Win at the casino. Let me tell you, when you lose, you will get chocolate covered strawberries, cookies and wine. You win. Nothing. Well, the money you won but definitely no thanks for playing.
*Don't panic, someone else actually did the math. When I did it, I had us coming out with a profit and bonuses.
**Also, I don't know what to count - the actual cards, the numbers on the cards, the people at the table, the drinks I am not drinking?
***Also, he will take your hands and twirl you around. And then your hands will smell like old man and you will have to hold them at a distance until you can scrub old man smell off them. And people will wonder why you are strange
- A mother trying to get her teenage son to smile for a photo. Her mistake was removing the classic yet proven "cheese" and replacing it with "bathroom sex!" To her surprise, this had the opposite effect. He most certainly was not planning on going home with them and had a nice line in evasion until he got caught by his Dad and they had a discussion. Not that I was following them. For very long.
- My dog loves Crate and Barrel. In my opinion, her dog was somewhat indifferent to Crate and Barrel. Also, I don't think he had a very good eye for design.
- But, I don't want to. I don't either.
- My balloon popped. An initial look of surprise, what the hell just happened and then screaming and crying. You're right. I shouldn't have popped it. It's not up to me to teach life lessons. But life is fleeting. And so are balloons. Which was not actually the lesson I was going for - more, hold your balloon closer to you otherwise it will get popped.
- What is this called? Sushi? What is that? It's rolled-up rice. I wanted to go everywhere with these people. It was like they were newborns. They weren't from here...
I'm going to try and write regularly this year - Monday to Friday.
- I'm very sorry for the day I missed on Tuesday.
- I'll try to be better.
- 1 and 2 are lies.
- You can bugger off.*
*That was rude. I would apologize but that's not one of my resolutions. So...
I used to make all the big New Year resolutions like...
- Exercise more
- Lose weight
- Save the world
- Save the whales
- Learn brain surgery
And then when I realized I couldn't stick to them for more than a couple of days or it wasn't working, I knocked the pressure down a notch and went to...
- Floss every day
- Wash makeup off before going to bed
- Regular car maintenance*
- Curse at other drivers, just a little bit less.**
This year, I have resolved to do the following and since I'm putting it out here, I will now have to do them***:
- Take a Math class****
- Learn Spanish - really more of a brushing up on my skills since I am fluent. In hello.
- Brush Albert daily. Even writing this, I am bored already. Will just leave brush lying around with manual and see if he does it himself. Technically cats should do their own grooming. Feel he might be a little spoiled.
- Stop scraping hub caps against curb when parallel parking. Hardly ever happens...
- Buy self more gifts. You should always have a selfless resolution where you give to others.
2013 Successes of Note
- Albert has finally started using his cat bed. While I wanted him to do this for some time, I have now realized, I have to clean his fur from it. Thinking it's time he went back to cold, hard, wooden floor. Any other parents out there experiencing thoughts like this with their babies and cots?
- That is all. It was a lean year.
*This is actually not possible.
**Work in progress - it's ok to start this one over every day
***Actually not true. I am fickle and I don't care what you think of me for failing. Also, I will lie about it.
****Not actually necessary because I am brilliant at math but lately I have started to wonder if there is some new stuff that was discovered that I don't yet know how to do. Like addition and percentages.
...then this happened.
Obviously I can't write. Dropped a drill on my toe. Home renovations are dangerous. So is a drill that falls out of the cupboard because you thought it was a good idea to put it high. Out of the way. But I am counting my blessings, at least the drill bit didn't pierce my foot. Also, my bruise matches my polish. So I have that going for me...
Yeah. I got nothing. So, I'm hoping this will amuse you and make you forget the fact that I got nothing...
Boo! Xmas is over. Back to the diet*. Back to work**. Back to exercising***. Back to behaving****. Back to Baja!*****
*Let's not be too hasty - talk it over with your food baby and pick a date that suits both of you to jump back on the wagon.
**Except for me because I am still on a boat in the ocean. I'm not coming back to work.
***Silly. No.
****Well, trying again.
*****I mean Puerta Vallerta but it didn't roll off the tongue as well. We didn't go to Baja but since I am not getting off the boat, it's a definite possibility.
