St Paddy's Day - Yesterday

Now that I am being time efficient* and not writing on Tuesdays, I missed out on writing the exciting post I had for you all on St Patrick's Day. It was going to be pretty awesome. But I guess you'll never know. So instead I'm doing the poor man's St Patrick Day and since everyone but me is hung over and won't read this anyway, I'm pretty sure I just dodged a bullet.

Here's a brilliant** Irish Limerick to commemorate the occasion:

"I can't have any sugar and all I want is a green cupcake.This no-sugar thing is bullshit"

Can you feel the rhyming cadence just lilting from one sentence to the next?  Sign of a successful limerick. I would finish the second and third verses but I'm too weak from lack of sugar and they're not very celebratory. They are however full of piss and vinegar which apparently came from a John Steinbeck novel and he was American. So, safe to say with the exception of the word "green", there is nothing Irish about this post. 
Operation St Paddy's Day: Level Plobaireacht***

*Lazy
**Composed in the shower this morning so you know it's genius. Nothing bad comes out of the shower.
***When you’re crying and trying to speak at the same time but can’t make yourself clear, that’s plobaireacht. Probably because you couldn't have a cupcake

Grand Master Meditation...

...like chess but completely different. 

I'm doing a meditation course - one week left to go and so far I have meditated for the last three weeks every day for 15 minutes. So, I think that deserves a round of applause. Maybe even a cupcake, hold the sugar. I'm just not sure I'm doing it right - I think my meditation is broken...

My teacher said last week that if you can focus for four rounds of breath, you're practically the Dalai Lama. Which I think also means you're a Jedi. Like Yoda. Yoda the Yogi. I'm not there yet.

How I meditate, this is.

You have to remember that you're not trying to think of nothing, you're trying to be present and mindful.  Which is so totally exactly how I might be doing it.

"Breathe in, did I feed the cat?  Is that the cat scratching at the door because I haven't fed him.  Oh God has he died of starvation over night?  Shit, forgot to breathe out.  Am I dying?  Cat will be fine and you're no good to him dead so remember to breathe.  Breathe in, let's get this show back on the road, start this puppy all over again.  Albert would hate a puppy.  Maybe we could discuss it.  I think he would be ok with teacup puppy.  Or eat it. I'm nailing this breathing in thing.  Not so much the breathing out which is obviously the more advanced of the two.  I'm supposed to be kind to myself for not being perfect at it so I think it's ok if I just breathe in until I'm no longer a beginner.  Breathe out.  There.  Did it.  Should I have a mantra?  I think he said it could be anything, like Taco Truck.  Good idea - that might be easier than breathing.  Taco truck, taco truck, taco - I love tacos.  I should go get one when this is over.  I wonder how many minutes that's been. I think I'm supposed to be amazed that the time has flown and I've hardly noticed.  Well, my time is going very slowly.  Is my time going backwards?  Breathe in, taco truck, breathe out, taco truck.  Hey - a full round of breath!  I also need to pay attention to my body and how it's feeling.  Let me do a quick 4 point check.  Arse - numb.  Feet - asleep.  Legs - stuck in this position.  Body - more or less upright.  Thanks to the wall.  How am I going to get up off the floor?  Breathe in, breathe out.  What if I roll to one side?  Meditation is not a graceful thing.  It's a lot like the word Mediation.  Maybe it's you mediating with yourself and your thoughts.  Did I just have a breakthrough?  I should put that on Twitter.  Oh I can't, I have to keep breathing.  I hope I don't forget to put that thing on Twitter.  I forgot it.  Breathe in, eat a taco, breathe out, eat a taco.  Meditating makes you hungry.  Breathe...wtf are they doing upstairs?  Don't they know I'm meditating?  Who's dog is that?  Breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.  This is actually pretty easy.  Just like golf.  Breathe in...bong....oh thank goodness, time's up." 

When Life Gives You Lemons...

• Throw the lemon at the first person that suggests you make lemonade out of it. If the lemon fails to hurt them, find a rock.
• If you're really lucky, they'll be riding a bike and you'll take them out.  There was an incident this one time with me, an egg and a bike.  Didn't end well for the egg, the bike or me.
• People always suggest that you add alcohol. So now you have a lemon sitting in a glass of vodka or whatever your preferences is. Success?  I think no.

I'm unsure how this helps...

• Paint them green and sell them to restaurants.  There is apparently a lime shortage.  The message here is, when life gives you lemons, cheat someone and make yourself feel better.
• Cut in half, rub on freckles and watch them fade.  My friends' sister used to do this while she was sunbathing.  We swore black and blue that it was working.  It wasn't.
• Do not eat - very bad for your tooth enamel and then not only are you having a shitty life, you now have holes in your teeth and a huge dental bill.  That's life giving you lemons to the power of two.
• Grate the zest and add to a cupcake.  Now, you have a bald lemon and cupcakes.  Take that, lemon.  
• Return it and ask for a substitute.
• Quit.