Juice Cleanses

Suck.

Last week I did one as an experiment - 8 juices a day for 5 days. Here are the flavors:

1. Mildly yuck with a spicy finish
2. Yuck yuck yuckety yuck
3. Passable but will kill any disease within you.  Death by extreme ginger
4. Vomity yuck
5. Yuck with a hint of gagging
6. Yuck and don't smell it
7. Mouthwashy yuck
8. Vegetable lemonade does not make it sound more palatable. Just be honest and call it a bottle of yuck

Spent a lot of time looking in the mirror to see if my skin was glowing. It wasn't. Possibly I couldn't see through the blinding pain in my head caused by the cruel separation of me and my sugar and/or caffeine.

By Wednesday I was unable to leave the house for fear of food falling in my mouth.


So this went well...prefer to go hungry than finish some of these.  Big bottles of gross.

On the plus side - I lost 400lbs. True story*

*Except for the part about being true.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

• Throw the lemon at the first person that suggests you make lemonade out of it. If the lemon fails to hurt them, find a rock.
• If you're really lucky, they'll be riding a bike and you'll take them out.  There was an incident this one time with me, an egg and a bike.  Didn't end well for the egg, the bike or me.
• People always suggest that you add alcohol. So now you have a lemon sitting in a glass of vodka or whatever your preferences is. Success?  I think no.

I'm unsure how this helps...

• Paint them green and sell them to restaurants.  There is apparently a lime shortage.  The message here is, when life gives you lemons, cheat someone and make yourself feel better.
• Cut in half, rub on freckles and watch them fade.  My friends' sister used to do this while she was sunbathing.  We swore black and blue that it was working.  It wasn't.
• Do not eat - very bad for your tooth enamel and then not only are you having a shitty life, you now have holes in your teeth and a huge dental bill.  That's life giving you lemons to the power of two.
• Grate the zest and add to a cupcake.  Now, you have a bald lemon and cupcakes.  Take that, lemon.  
• Return it and ask for a substitute.
• Quit.