All Good Things Must Come To An End

And some just ok things too. Like my blog. I've come to the conclusion that I need to put my blog on hold until some more people read it. Also, I have several other very important things in my life that I need to focus on right now:

1. Becoming President. Of anything
2. Reintroducing sugar to my life. Who knows how this is going to turn out. If I wake up in a bath of M&M's, is that a success or a failure? I say success...if it was empty except for a few stray ones then I think that would be more of a problem.
3. Matching my Tupperware lids to their corresponding containers.  This is full-time job only superseded by matching stray socks from the dryer.
4. Preparing for my Mother's visit - seriously, I need to start cleaning now.
5. That 10 minute power napping thing that's all the rage.  I get as far as 10 minutes and then all of a sudden, it's an hour later and I'm just waking up.     
6. Crow pose.  The amount of time I spend on my blog (a good 10 minutes each week) is seriously impacting my ability to do this yoga pose.  Also, my lack of arm and core strength and fear that I will pitch forward and land on my nose.  Which is already squashed flat enough as it is.
7. Finding Albert's missing eye.  I know I put it somewhere.
8. Picking some more skin off my never-ending peeling feet.
9. Learning how to fold a fitted sheet that isn't just rolling it around into a ball and pretending that's how it's done.
10. Finding myself.  Last seen walking into Nordstrom's... (which is not a terrible place to lose yourself)

Thanks to everyone that has read on a regular basis over the last 18 months.  For those that did not read on a regular basis and you know who you are...well, this message is probably pointless since you won't read this.  But just know, you are not getting a Xmas Card this year.
 
PS. Albert says...well, he didn't actually say anything because he's a cat, he can't read or write and he doesn't care about any of you.

Last Person On Earth

Some of you may have seen the new show "Last Man On Earth"? Basically after a disease wipes out all humans (and apparently animals since I haven't seen any on the show), only one man is left.  It's a pretty interesting concept and started me thinking about all the things I would do and then all the limitations I would face due to the fact that while I am a master survivalist in a Zombie Apocalypse, I have no clue what to do without water and electricity.  I would:

1. Eat all the sugar* in the world because it wouldn't matter what I looked like nor would there be any doctors to treat me of all my terrible sugary ailments
2. Go to all the department stores and shop up a storm.  Ball gowns, cocktail dresses, designer shoes, you name it - I'm getting it and loading it in one of my fleet of fancy cars.  On second thoughts, better move this to the top of the list, after I make a sugar baby in my belly, I'm not going be able to fit anything.
3. Find the most ridiculously amazing house in Los Angeles and move in.  Since there won't be a pool boy, I'm going to need to maximize my pool usage because pretty soon, it won't be pretty and moving houses is not going to solve the problem.
4. Never vacuum, dust or mop again.
5. Never do laundry again
6. Visit all the famous attractions in America - no more standing in lines for me.  Disneyland might be a bit tame if I can't turn the rides on...
7. Probably walk around naked to see what it's like.
8. Wander in and out of people's houses, "borrowing" stuff I like.
9. Stockpile food - possibly should have thought of this first.  Maybe even start a veggie garden.  Yes, I think we all know it's going to die. I am where plants go to die.
10. Drive all over the roads in any direction I feel like.  Sort of how Californian's drive now.

And then there are the issues:

1. Pretty sure I will need a generator since no one will be maintaining the electrical plants.  Pretty sure I don't know what a generator looks like.  
2. Pretty sure I will need to stockpile water and not just for drinking - flushing the toilet is going to be a thing of the past since no one is manning the sanitation or water plants either.  I will build some sort of rain catching device, most likely called a bucket.  If things get really bad with the LA drought, I may have to move to Seattle or Portland for the Winter.
3. There will be no vacations unless I learn how to fly or man a cruise ship.  Only road trips.  
4. I am going to have to join a library.  And hope that there are books on how to make electricity, sanitize water, fly a plane, steer a boat and treat myself for diabetes.
5. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter are going to be boring.  I'll have to create a bunch of different profiles to keep myself amused.  On second thoughts, would the internet disappear?  Back to the library...

 *In case anyone is tracking, today I celebrate 66 days sugar-free which was my goal based on a report that said it takes 66 days to break a habit. For the record, Science is wrong. I think it's going to take 666 years for this to take root...if you want to congratulate me, feel free to send a gift basket of sugary treats.

Things I have Quit

• Sin. Ok, not really. I would like to be a bit more sinful and then maybe I'd quit it. And by sinful, I mean bathing in a bath of chocolate and drinking it (Gluttony and Greed - honestly, I'm not sure there's a difference for me), lazing around all day and demanding that people (for the purpose of this exercise, let's call Albert, "people") wait on me hand and foot (Sloth*), feeling super proud of my one-eyed cat for not giving up in the face of extreme adversity** (Pride), cussing people out for their poor driving skills (Wrath), wishing that all the girls that have the mermaid long hair that I want will suddenly develop alopecia (Envy) and, well I can't describe the last one in case my Mum reads this.  Let's just think of it as the way I feel about cake - Lust.
• Sugar. Think we all know this but it's a really good way to remind everyone how self-sacrificing I am, how virtuous I am and how dedicated. 47 days sugar-free. Basically I am better than everyone else. Please make it end soon...
• Pottery class. I thought I was going to be really good at this. Unfortunately it was stupid.
• Horse riding. Three times is enough in anyone's life. I have a way with animals. Just not horses.
• Manners. F&^% off.
• Potatoes. Because they're considered naughty on the Glycemic Index. Fries are totally fine though. And if you add something to your potato, you're golden. The GI is pretty clear that it's just plain potatoes. #Loophole
• Using turn signal (indicator). No one else does in America. I just imagine where I think they are going and sometimes I am right. But mostly not. Tricky little bastards.
• Ballet. But not because I'm terrible at it. For anyone who has seen me move gracefully through life, I think it's pretty obvious that I am very talented. I just quit cos.
• Worrying***
• Dating. Or more specifically trying to meet men. Let them come to me. "Release the hounds men!!"
• Teaching Albert. Anything. He's made it pretty clear that it's his way or the highway. Plus he lets me live here so I try and keep the peace. 

 *Is it considered Sloth if you have a baby sloth, swathed in a blanket?  Cos, I've seen some of those on YouTube lately and I want one. Yes, I know - Greed.  
**He's disabled but you won't see him collecting a disability pension.  He works for a living.

He's a man of action - just look at the focus.

See?  Always on the go, this one.

***Don't be ridiculous. If I stop worrying about things then my OCDness and control issues might go away and I need them

Super Bowl. I Don't Get It

I was going to write about Super Bowl but I realized my lack of knowledge might not make me the most informed person out there. Although that never stopped me before. So. 
I guess I will then.

First of all, let me just say that Super Bowl without sugar is just stupid. I mean I can give one of them up but not both. Sadly this year it was sugar*. And I love sugar way more than football...

Secondly. I don't understand why everyone claps for stuff that isn't a try**. If there are no points going on the board then you should reserve your applause. Unless someone catches it in an extreme way. Like, with their eyes shut, 10 feet in the air and with no hands.

Thirdly. I'm bored. Football is very boring - delicious sugary cocktails or wine would make it less boring. So would a cupcake. Water - even with a slice of lime - is working not at all.

Fourthly. Who won? 

Fifthly.  Let me tell you what "BeastMode" really is.  It's being in a bar with a bunch of people, not drinking or eating anything for fear that someone is trying to sabotage your sugar-free lifestyle***.  So take that Marshawn Lynch. 

*Which will never happen again. I'd pretty much give up football before anything else. Especially food related.
**Pretty sure this is not the correct terminology and I can't wait for people to correct me. Come on, people. I know it's called a goal...
***At least for 42 more days

Sugar...And The Lack Of

Good news - I can eat the cat food. No sugar anywhere in it. Feel a bit bad for Albert not having ever tasted sugar before. Going to give him some icecream tonight. Maybe cat nip is his sugar? Probably bad parenting to experiment on your cat. Don't want him to get diabetes, he needs to retain his slim 11lb figure so he can squeeze through the bars on the window and get out. Mama doesn't want a litter box.

Bit concerned about the tocopherols though.  You have to watch tocopherol consumption in cats.  Also, what are tocopherols?

On another note - I've now been sugar-free for 13 days. I feel amazingly wonderfully exactly the same.  So that's good.  Only now, all I can think about is sugar and not having it.  

It's also affecting my behavior.  And not in a good way.  For instance, I bought my nieces their Valentine's Day chocolate this weekend and normally I like to buy it, package it up ready to post, have emotional need for it and eat it.  Then go re-buy it again the next day.  And repeat.  Up to a max of 5 times.  This year, I had to post it off immediately in order not to fall into the same delicious pattern.  I don't like change, this is making me uncomfortable.  Thank god the 66 days will be up by Easter - I'd hate to buy just one lot of Easter eggs.  

Stuff That Is Supposed To Happen When You Do Things Differently...

...but does not seem to apply to me.  

1. Give up sugar they said - you'll have tons of energy and after 10 days you won't even miss it. I miss it. I'm very tired. Just going to have a little 7 or so cupcakes to get my energy level back up so I can quit sugar again.
2. Workout they said, you'll be able to eat anything you like. Technically true. You can eat anything you like, you'll just be fat while working out. 
3. Get up and meditate in the mornings, they said, it'll change your life. Well, it doesn't change the desire to not want to get up in the morning so I'm not sure. To date, I've been unable to get up and do it. But I bet it's amazing. I'll have Albert do a trial run first. 
4. Be a free spirit they said, do what makes you happy. Conceptually good idea, hard to explain in a disciplinary meeting. 
5. Be authentic, they said. Great, now you are authentic, still single and somewhat embarrassed by the authenticity of your authentic outburst.
6. Follow your heart, they said.  This I like, unfortunately my stomach is louder than my heart and over-ruled so now I'm loving some delicious fries...
7. Save your money for a rainy day, they said.  Well, don't live in Portland then.
8. Get back on the horse, they said.  Why would I get back on a horse that clearly wants me off and thinks I have no business being on it.  Suspect this is a euphemism for not giving up and trying again.  Well I have gotten back on the horse many times and I think it's time to know one's limitations and take the car instead.
9. Wear a tight skirt, they said.  It'll drive the men wild.  I think I got a broken skirt.  Men seem to be having no problem at all resisting it.  I have seen very little "wild"
10. Be more positive, they said.  No, I don't think that's going to work.
    

Juice Cleanses

Suck.

Last week I did one as an experiment - 8 juices a day for 5 days. Here are the flavors:

1. Mildly yuck with a spicy finish
2. Yuck yuck yuckety yuck
3. Passable but will kill any disease within you.  Death by extreme ginger
4. Vomity yuck
5. Yuck with a hint of gagging
6. Yuck and don't smell it
7. Mouthwashy yuck
8. Vegetable lemonade does not make it sound more palatable. Just be honest and call it a bottle of yuck

Spent a lot of time looking in the mirror to see if my skin was glowing. It wasn't. Possibly I couldn't see through the blinding pain in my head caused by the cruel separation of me and my sugar and/or caffeine.

By Wednesday I was unable to leave the house for fear of food falling in my mouth.


So this went well...prefer to go hungry than finish some of these.  Big bottles of gross.

On the plus side - I lost 400lbs. True story*

*Except for the part about being true.