Tanning

Like I said in yesterday's post, I had a friend from Portland come and visit last weekend and as we were reminiscing, he reminded me how we used to go to a different place every Friday with another friend to test out the Happy Hours. Which is a very good idea and if anyone in LA wants to do that, call me. As we thought about the places we'd been to, we both recalled with great regret that we never went to a place across the street from the bar we were sitting in - Tub n' Tan. Take this as a lesson from me not to let opportunities slip by. If only we had gone tanning and then hot tubbing. Or hot tubbing and tanning. There didn't seem to be a particular order, I just know it was dodgy shifty and if there's one thing I know, you should always do dodgy shifty stuff. Not shifty dodgy stuff though because that's just dangerous.

Now I'm wondering if there are a lot of other things that could be combined with tanning. There is a place here in LA that combines spinning/pilates with tanning. Which seems very tame unless it's simultaneous. Does anyone have any interest in opening the folllowing with me - all of which will be required to be done simultaneously*:

1. Tanning/Smoothie bar (Tan n' Taste)
2. Tanning/ice cream bar (Tan n' Ice)
3. Tanning/Twerking studio (Twerk n' Tan)

*I see absolutely no logistical problems with any of these whatsoever

Stuff That Is Supposed To Happen When You Do Things Differently...

...but does not seem to apply to me.  

1. Give up sugar they said - you'll have tons of energy and after 10 days you won't even miss it. I miss it. I'm very tired. Just going to have a little 7 or so cupcakes to get my energy level back up so I can quit sugar again.
2. Workout they said, you'll be able to eat anything you like. Technically true. You can eat anything you like, you'll just be fat while working out. 
3. Get up and meditate in the mornings, they said, it'll change your life. Well, it doesn't change the desire to not want to get up in the morning so I'm not sure. To date, I've been unable to get up and do it. But I bet it's amazing. I'll have Albert do a trial run first. 
4. Be a free spirit they said, do what makes you happy. Conceptually good idea, hard to explain in a disciplinary meeting. 
5. Be authentic, they said. Great, now you are authentic, still single and somewhat embarrassed by the authenticity of your authentic outburst.
6. Follow your heart, they said.  This I like, unfortunately my stomach is louder than my heart and over-ruled so now I'm loving some delicious fries...
7. Save your money for a rainy day, they said.  Well, don't live in Portland then.
8. Get back on the horse, they said.  Why would I get back on a horse that clearly wants me off and thinks I have no business being on it.  Suspect this is a euphemism for not giving up and trying again.  Well I have gotten back on the horse many times and I think it's time to know one's limitations and take the car instead.
9. Wear a tight skirt, they said.  It'll drive the men wild.  I think I got a broken skirt.  Men seem to be having no problem at all resisting it.  I have seen very little "wild"
10. Be more positive, they said.  No, I don't think that's going to work.
    

Happy Thanksgiving...To Me

Thanksgiving Thoughts and Reflections:

1. The year I hosted Thanksgiving and made poached fish for dinner - I now see the error of my ways and am very sorry
2. The year I volunteered. I showed up with my two massive containers of mac n' cheese and full of virtuous, righteous do-gooding. After I dropped my food off in the kitchen to be added to plates and packaged up as a dinner for one, ready to be distributed around the city, I got in line to be assigned my volunteer duties. Two hours later - still in line, still volunteering but effectively only volunteering to stand in a line. Effectively not very effective. Finally, I get called to a car with 3 others, we load up with the plated food and are told to drive to where we think there are homeless people looking for a Thanksgiving meal. Being new to LA, I suggested a spot in Portland. I was ignored* So the ringleader and driver headed for her favorite homeless spot. Apparently they went home. Not a single person in sight. At which point we resorted to Google and headed for Skid Row in Downtown LA. Finally getting into the swing of things, we hand out meals with only 2 thrown at us by someone who wasn't very hungry. Empty of all our plates we head back to base camp with just a couple of things. Two homeless puppies and their homeless fleas and some mashed potato in one of the girls hair. Not mine though so don't worry.
3. The year I slept through Thanksgiving - was about to write a description of what happened and realized this happened. I slept through Thanksgiving.
4. How to make a scaled down Thanksgiving dinner for one. Dennys.
5. The year I ran the Turkey Trot - this is a hellish idea that has to be done early on Thanksgiving morning so that you can justify eating your face off later. The Portland Turkey Trot ends up at the Zoo and you run the last part through it, with Lions and Tigers jogging along beside you in their cages. The turkey's don't run with you in their cages. Because they are dead. And about to be eaten. So it's a very mistakenly named fun run. (A) the turkey's are not trotting and (B) therefore not having fun. They are just dead.
6. The food that shouldn't be eaten on Thanksgiving - Canned anything. Tofurky**
7. The football games I didn't watch on Thanksgiving. All of them. Ever.
8. Giving thanks - let's celebrate the harvest. Which occurred several months earlier as we are now in the middle of winter. Fail.
9. In response to a query: No, I will not be going home to New Zealand for Thanksgiving.
10. Apparently every year the president issues a proclamation, to"pardon" a turkey, which spares the bird's life and ensures that it will spend the duration of its life roaming freely on farmland. The rest of us massage our birds with butter and then eat them***. 
11. The year I named my turkey - Neville. Actually this happens every year now. Taking suggestions for next year as this year I will be roasting Gustav's left leg.
12. If I have a whole pumpkin pie, how many slices will you get? None. My pie.
13. Thanksgiving advice - don't cook fried turkey in the nude.
14. Things I am thankful for:

• Gustav 

 

Rose are Red, Violets are blue, Thanksgiving poems are very difficult and I haven't quite mastered it yet.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

*Which I don't think was really in the Thanksgiving spirit.
**Despite the previous comment in where it appears I am on the side of the turkey, I will still eat their dead bodies rather than have turkey formed out of tofu. My only exception to this rule is turkey formed out of cake.
***However, the pardoned birds don't have a very good track record and it seems they now use an alternate.  In 2010, Obama pardoned Apple, and alternate bird Cider. Both had died of natural causes by Thanksgiving. In 2012, Obama pardoned a 45-pound turkey named Liberty and an alternate bird named Peace. Peace survived until shortly before Thanksgiving 2012, when he was euthanized.  There is no record of why Peace had to be euthanized.  Which I find very suspicious and suspect that the Secret Service were involved.  If you are reading this, Secret Service people, I'll have you know that you will never find me as I am a master of disguise and do all kinds of clever computer stuff that I can't quite remember right now to put you off the trail.  Also I am Australian.