Things I have Quit

• Sin. Ok, not really. I would like to be a bit more sinful and then maybe I'd quit it. And by sinful, I mean bathing in a bath of chocolate and drinking it (Gluttony and Greed - honestly, I'm not sure there's a difference for me), lazing around all day and demanding that people (for the purpose of this exercise, let's call Albert, "people") wait on me hand and foot (Sloth*), feeling super proud of my one-eyed cat for not giving up in the face of extreme adversity** (Pride), cussing people out for their poor driving skills (Wrath), wishing that all the girls that have the mermaid long hair that I want will suddenly develop alopecia (Envy) and, well I can't describe the last one in case my Mum reads this.  Let's just think of it as the way I feel about cake - Lust.
• Sugar. Think we all know this but it's a really good way to remind everyone how self-sacrificing I am, how virtuous I am and how dedicated. 47 days sugar-free. Basically I am better than everyone else. Please make it end soon...
• Pottery class. I thought I was going to be really good at this. Unfortunately it was stupid.
• Horse riding. Three times is enough in anyone's life. I have a way with animals. Just not horses.
• Manners. F&^% off.
• Potatoes. Because they're considered naughty on the Glycemic Index. Fries are totally fine though. And if you add something to your potato, you're golden. The GI is pretty clear that it's just plain potatoes. #Loophole
• Using turn signal (indicator). No one else does in America. I just imagine where I think they are going and sometimes I am right. But mostly not. Tricky little bastards.
• Ballet. But not because I'm terrible at it. For anyone who has seen me move gracefully through life, I think it's pretty obvious that I am very talented. I just quit cos.
• Worrying***
• Dating. Or more specifically trying to meet men. Let them come to me. "Release the hounds men!!"
• Teaching Albert. Anything. He's made it pretty clear that it's his way or the highway. Plus he lets me live here so I try and keep the peace. 

 *Is it considered Sloth if you have a baby sloth, swathed in a blanket?  Cos, I've seen some of those on YouTube lately and I want one. Yes, I know - Greed.  
**He's disabled but you won't see him collecting a disability pension.  He works for a living.

He's a man of action - just look at the focus.

See?  Always on the go, this one.

***Don't be ridiculous. If I stop worrying about things then my OCDness and control issues might go away and I need them

Dating Apps That Work

Slightly inaccurate title since as yet it is untested but I'm going to create my own dating app. It will be very successful*. The odds will be excellent as I am restricting the number of women allowed to join. To one.

*For me.

Patience. And Dating

1. You must patiently wait for him never to call.
2. You must patiently wait for him not to show up to your date.
3. You must repeat 1 and 2 many, many times.
4. You must patiently wait for it to be your turn*
5. You must patiently wait for him to notice you.  And then you must pretend not to see him.
6. You must patiently wait for someone to buy you a drink.  And then you will get your own because you are very thirsty.
7. You must patiently wait for him to realize that he is in love with you.  Even though you knew it when you first met.
8. You must patiently wait for love to come to you**
9. You must patiently wait for him to have the really great idea that you told him about last week.
10. You must patiently wait for a compliment.  And be satisfied with "Your arse doesn't look as big in that dress as the other one."
11. You must patiently wait for diamonds. But first you will get a lot of other shit that is not diamonds.  
12.  You must patiently wait for the right one.  However, if he doesn't come along or he's too stupid to know that he is the right one, any old one will do.

*It's never going to be your turn. But, good job waiting. 
**Sometimes love looks like cake.

My List Of Must Have's For Men I Am Going To Date: Part 2

Just kidding - obviously there's more*. And in case you're wondering, the benefits of dating me are that you will be dating me. I could go on but I think I've made my point.

1. A daily shower. Possibly even two depending on the activity.  
2. Active - however, please refer to No. 1 above
3. Emotionally available. Unlike me. But as long as you are aware of it, it's totally fine. Just not for them
4. Tall**
5. Good communication skills - I think the next logical step in our relationship is speaking.
6. A sense of humor. But not better than me. Because I am always the funny one.  And the beautiful one.  And the smarter one.  And the best at Math.  But that's all***.
7. Your own cat. Also, Albert already hates you.
8. Your own car. And I'm going to need it to be better than mine. And then I'm going to need to drive it.  You can have mine.  It's got a bit of a holey exhausty thing but if you turn the stereo up, it's very easy to forget.
9. No hair on top of the toes. Not looking for a Hobbit.
10. Must be able to BBQ.  That means, clean it, cook it, refill the gas and obviously make the side dishes that go with it.  But it's ok, because you will only need to BBQ occasionally. Every day.

*If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to read yesterdays' post. Shame on you.
**Or short. Or in between. I'm not fussy. 
***For right now.  If we find you're better at something than me, then it probably isn't going to work.  

My List Of Must Have's For Men I am Going To Date:

1. A job.

Dating Experience: Lock and Key Party

Today is my one month Blog anniversary - shower me with gifts...
 
Awhile back my friend made me go with her to a party and I lost a little piece of my soul.  It was a Meet-up group for 40 and over (which doesn’t apply to me because I am pretending that I am not 40.  Also I am very immature and I don't like olives and everyone knows that until you do, you are still in your 30's). 

It was a Lock and Key party.  Go on, look it up, I did.  It was at a place called the Lexington Social house which looked decent but I was too busy having my name written incorrectly on my sticker.  "Hello, my name is Kristin and you better read it quickly because this is one of those cheap stickers that’s going to curl up and roll right off onto the floor and because it’s (a) not my name and (b) I don’t want anyone to talk to me, I’m just going to walk away…"

I don’t mean to be rude but I am. These people were old and limp. Mike is from somewhere in Orange County and he wants to know if I’ve been to one of these before. Me: No. Mike: I have. Me: Ok. Take your hand off my shoulder. I have a herpe.

John is in his late 50’s and he wants to know if I’ve been to one of these before. Me: No. John: Oh, why don't you come with me to the… Me: No. Stop looking at where I put my name sticker*. I have a herpe.

*Move sticker to forehead.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.  It got worse.  We were issued with locks for the ladies and keys for the men and there’s an endless procession of ick men coming over to stick their key in my lock.  And every single one of them thinks it's hilarious to ask if they can stick it in there – you're not original, I thought of that on the drive here.  If you’re unlucky enough to get it unlocked, then you get issued with another so the fun can continue.  The best part was the guys that twisted their key in the lock over and over as if there was some kind of mistake that it was not unlocking.  I think some of them were trying to have sex with my lock.  No.  

After a while, they stopped coming over to check – I updated my welcoming face from earlier in the evening and moved it to "don't". One woman came over to our table for a break – it’s exhausting work having keys stuck in your lock over and over again – and I asked her if she had been to many of these (don’t judge, it’s apparently the question to ask) and she said yes, tons – she goes to meet ups all the time.  So, I asked if she’d met a lot of great people. No, she said.  I asked if she had dated anyone – just one and he started stalking her, hiding in her bushes and she had to threaten him with the police.  So, that's good news and very promising.

We left - after the complimentary cocktail. Tried to get into the engagement party down the hall but it was a "Wear White" engagement party and we were in black and they noticed.

So, cross that off the bucket list....