Ninja Things I have Done

1. None

Wait, this one time - someone threw a ball at me and I caught it with my hands. Not my face.

Ninja things Albert has done:

1. None. He's a cat. Not a ninja*. Besides you can hear him coming from a mile away. Also, he hasn't disappeared, he's under the couch.

 *I would swap him for a ninja. Or a taco man.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Writing in diaries is boring. It feels like a good idea and then you start and after "Dear Diary", that's all you have. Kind of like a bath. A bath sounds like a nice, warm idea and then once it's full, you get in and then you're hot and bored.

I like those diaries that have a section in the beginning for you to fill out all your details. I have a lot of those. And some spare paper at the back.

I think you're supposed to write down your feelings and then it's supposed to help. Let's try. I am mad. No. Didn't help.

Maybe I'm supposed to confess my secret crush to my diary? Can my diary do anything about it? Will you stop me from calling and texting him until he realizes I'm normal? Will you stop me from falling in love with someone I can't have and then eating 10x the suggested serving size? No. Ergo, useless. I rest my case.

Dear Diary - a bit later in the day:

I thought I had a new feeling but it turned out to be gas.

Dear Diary - 10 minutes since last entry:

Nothing has happened since I last wrote to you. I could make something up if you like? I mean lets face it, it's not like you'll know if it's true. I think you've been given too much power over the years. All this writing to you that people do has given you a fat head. Because you're actually just a paper book with no useful advice and you don't deliver cupcakes. Also you are wet and soggy. That might be my fault. Shouldn't have tried to write in my boring diary while sitting in my boring bath. 

But somewhere out there, somebody is thinking of you and the tremendous influence you had on their life that led to all their successes.  But it's not me...I think you're boring.

Dear Diary - 4 years later:

Sorry, it's been a while but I didn't have anything interesting to tell you.  And then today while I was at work, we talked about getting additional training and taking some courses and we were asked to submit our requests for consideration.  So I asked for helicopter lessons. But apparently we don't offer that kind of training, because that has nothing to do with our jobs.  I feel like that wasn't made clear and have now had to cross numbers 2, 3, 4, and 7 off my list.  Turns out ninja training, crocheting (although I would have been happy with macrame), blind hanging and making macaroons are not up for consideration.  However, I can learn to use Excel if necessary.  Which it is not, I am as good at Excel as I am at Math.  And don't even get me started on computer skills.  I use that mousey thing every day. I know that to reboot, you turn it off and on at the wall and when it stops working, you kick it.

Actually on reflection, nothing really happened. 

Work

Apologies for the late posting today - I had to go to that other place all day today and work. Apparently I have to go back tomorrow too.

I'd really like to write about my day at work today but it might not bode well for my future employment so instead I compiled some stats:

Number of cups of coffee: I don't drink coffee but today I had three. Because it was a Monday. Also we have one of those machines where you stick a little packet in labelled Coffee (you can choose coffee from many different places around the world. Today I went Colombian) and then coffee comes out. And sometimes it jams when you do it wrong. Somebody did it wrong today. Just so you know, you can't fit two packets in at the same time just because you think you're making a double espresso. What happens is a double nothing and a big mess and then you have to lie to Maintenance about the person that allegedly used it before you.

Number of emails I sent: A lot. If my boss is reading this, I had my highest email output yield ever today.

Number of times I answered the phone and pretended it was a bad connection: Hardly any. If my boss is reading this, it really was a bad connection when you called. All four times.

Number of drive-bys past the muffins in the kitchen: 12.  But I just licked the tops.

Number of ergo assessments had today: 1. Apparently I am doing it all wrong. I should stop working. It's a Health & Safety issue

Number of work-related conversations with colleagues: 24.  I think there are things I'm supposed to do...

Number of non work-related conversations with colleagues: Absolutely none.  I would never do that. 

Work outfit score from the office: 10 out of 10*

*Scored by me

No. of corporate jargon terms I used today: 9. I'm not sure I have enough bandwidth. Let's synch up tomorrow and collaborate on that project. I'm going to need to benchmark those figures. It's not really their core competency. I'm a critical thinker. This is a game-changer. I'm going to target the low-hanging fruit. We're a matrix organization here except for those that are siloes. I'm looking for a seat at the table with the stakeholders.

No. of times I knew what I meant: None.

Things I dislike about work: Waking up. Working

Things I like about work: Apparently the coffee. This is a new and delightful surprise.

Most productive time of the day: 9:31am - 9:37am. I nailed it.

Thoughts I had while at work:

1. It's 11am and I just finished lunch. Now what am I supposed to do?
2. Go away Facebook, I'm trying to work
3. Work fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours
4. I should have been a ninja. I wonder where you apply. I look good in black
5. It's good to be at work. They have air conditioning
6. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to smile and write something down. There, "something". Please don't read my notes.
7. I'm gonna do some push-ups. Nope, too hard.

Well, that's a wrap on another day where I acted exactly like I knew what I was doing.