In order to meet new people, sometimes one must do things that they would not normally choose to do. And they must pretend to like it. And get the tee-shirt. And maybe even a bumper sticker. For me this is joining a Social Sports League*. There are several around and they usually have two options - Competitive and Non-Competitive. I rank myself at below Non-Competitive when it comes to sports unless we are talking Crosswords or Scrabble in which case I will rip you apart.
When I lived in Portland, I joined a Kickball league which is not a sport we have in New Zealand. Despite being on a team made up of friends of mine, it was not a huge success. In the first game, while I successfully caught the ball (a minor miracle), I then got taken out by an opposing team member who viewed tagging the base differently to me. Ended up with bloody knee, torn pants and a "Player of the Game" pity award. Also pizza. Which quite frankly was the only reason I joined in the first place.
So, if I must, I am prepared to try this again** but honestly, I would rather do any of these first:
- Poke my eyeballs out with a stick. Doesn't even need to be sharp or pointy
- Walk on Lego
- Go shopping for swimsuits and/or jeans
- Mop hardwood floors
- Go to the tip/dump
- Go to work
- Move house
- Eat sardines
- Sing in public
- Master Math
*Is there a league out there that will just let come to the games and watch but participate in the drinking and eating at bars afterwards? Because I think I would excel at that. I'll even pay full dues...I think we can all agree that everyone is better off when I don't play.
**First, one must make the decision on which sport to play:
- Dodgeball seems dangerous given my face's ability to catch balls.
- Kickball is a little more likely but not if they expect any level of skill.
- Soccer - despite having played for a lot of my childhood, very little rubbed off and I'm not good for much more than prancing around by the goal post pretending I am participating.
- Basketball - let me stop you right there.
- Softball - I don't think I should be in charge of a bat.
- Volleyball - it's possible but I'm not doing it in a bikini. Or on sand. Or on a court. Ok, I guess I'm not doing volleyball.
- Darts - traumatic experience involving a backwards flying dart and a war veteran's head has ruled this out.
- Pool/Snooker - yes but I'm only good during beers 2 and 3. Before and after are a bit random so there's a very small window.
- Bowling - makes me angry
- Get on. Especially if you see children. Just get off. Immediately. And take all the adults with you. Let that boat sail off with just children on board. You'll thank me later.
- Buy the pre-paid drinks package. When you do the math*, you will realize that you just need to drink 7 drinks every night to make it worth your while. You will worry about the 15 drink maximum being a little low until after the first night when you realize you made it to 3.
- Make conversation with the nice old guy at the bar next to you. You will then spend the next six days dodging him. Even though he has a pool in the OC and you are allowed to use it any time.
- Gamble. Except if you are me and you win $450 after one button push. I am so good at gambling. I don't know what all the fuss is about. Gambling is easy.
- Gamble. If you are me and you don't know how to play Blackjack because there are a lot of mathematical equations. And people are very impatient and will not wait for you to get out your calculator. And counting cards is not as easy as it's cracked up to be**.
- Swim in the kids pool. In the kids pool, there is water, children...and other stuff.
- Drugs. The fact that I had to put that on the list says something.
- Be late back to the ship after being in port all day. And definitely don't try and smuggle tequila on board. And definitely don't say that you're late back because you were trying to smuggle tequila on board.
- Follow the sexy guitar player around and make friends with his family. Pretty safe to say I am on their Xmas card list. But banned from being within 25ft of him. Which is fine because he can still hear me and see me waving. And stuff.
- Wait until your friend is in the bathroom before you decide you have to vomit. Because then you have two options - (a) do it over the side, which does not lead to the ocean below. Just the next deck. And the life boats. Or (b) use the trash can. Lets just say - a little of column a and a little of column b.
- Take all your bags to the lifeboat drill. Apparently, if there is an accident and you have to leave the ship, you cannot bring your bags with you. Not even your carry-on. Which is unreasonable because that has my hair straightener and I need that.
- The old guy that looks like he was the drummer for Steppenwolf***.
- Try and go to the front of the line. There are very strict rules about standing in line and line etiquette and whatever you do, don't try and save a sun-lounger for your friend who just went to the bathroom. Cruise-goers are professionals at muttering under and over their breath. Also they will throw you overboard if they don't get their way
- Sing along with the Piano Bar player. You might know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but that doesn't mean you should sing them in public. You also will think you know the words to La Bamba until you actually try and sing it in public. "Blah, blah, blah blah La Bamba...something, something soy marinero...yada yada, bam bam bamba..."
- Win at the casino. Let me tell you, when you lose, you will get chocolate covered strawberries, cookies and wine. You win. Nothing. Well, the money you won but definitely no thanks for playing.
*Don't panic, someone else actually did the math. When I did it, I had us coming out with a profit and bonuses.
**Also, I don't know what to count - the actual cards, the numbers on the cards, the people at the table, the drinks I am not drinking?
***Also, he will take your hands and twirl you around. And then your hands will smell like old man and you will have to hold them at a distance until you can scrub old man smell off them. And people will wonder why you are strange
