Things Not To Do On A Cruise Ship

1. Get on.  Especially if you see children. Just get off. Immediately. And take all the adults with you.  Let that boat sail off with just children on board.  You'll thank me later.
2. Buy the pre-paid drinks package. When you do the math*, you will realize that you just need to drink 7 drinks every night to make it worth your while. You will worry about the 15 drink maximum being a little low until after the first night when you realize you made it to 3.
3. Make conversation with the nice old guy at the bar next to you. You will then spend the next six days dodging him.  Even though he has a pool in the OC and you are allowed to use it any time.
4. Gamble. Except if you are me and you win $450 after one button push. I am so good at gambling.  I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Gambling is easy.
5. Gamble. If you are me and you don't know how to play Blackjack because there are a lot of mathematical equations. And people are very impatient and will not wait for you to get out your calculator. And counting cards is not as easy as it's cracked up to be**. 
6. Swim in the kids pool.  In the kids pool, there is water, children...and other stuff.
7. Drugs.  The fact that I had to put that on the list says something.
8. Be late back to the ship after being in port all day.  And definitely don't try and smuggle tequila on board. And definitely don't say that you're late back because you were trying to smuggle tequila on board.
9. Follow the sexy guitar player around and make friends with his family.  Pretty safe to say I am on their Xmas card list.  But banned from being within 25ft of him.  Which is fine because he can still hear me and see me waving.  And stuff.
10. Wait until your friend is in the bathroom before you decide you have to vomit.  Because then you have two options - (a) do it over the side, which does not lead to the ocean below. Just the next deck.  And the life boats. Or (b) use the trash can.  Lets just say - a little of column a and a little of column b.
11. Take all your bags to the lifeboat drill.  Apparently, if there is an accident and you have to leave the ship, you cannot bring your bags with you.  Not even your carry-on.  Which is unreasonable because that has my hair straightener and I need that. 
12. The old guy that looks like he was the drummer for Steppenwolf***. 
13. Try and go to the front of the line.  There are very strict rules about standing in line and line etiquette and whatever you do, don't try and save a sun-lounger for your friend who just went to the bathroom.  Cruise-goers are professionals at muttering under and over their breath.  Also they will throw you overboard if they don't get their way
14. Sing along with the Piano Bar player.  You might know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but that doesn't mean you should sing them in public.  You also will think you know the words to La Bamba until you actually try and sing it in public.  "Blah, blah, blah blah La Bamba...something, something soy marinero...yada yada, bam bam bamba..."
15. Win at the casino. Let me tell you, when you lose, you will get chocolate covered strawberries, cookies and wine.  You win.  Nothing.  Well, the money you won but definitely no thanks for playing.

*Don't panic, someone else actually did the math.  When I did it, I had us coming out with a profit and bonuses.
**Also, I don't know what to count - the actual cards, the numbers on the cards, the people at the table, the drinks I am not drinking? 
***Also, he will take your hands and twirl you around.  And then your hands will smell like old man and you will have to hold them at a distance until you can scrub old man smell off them.  And people will wonder why you are strange