Conversations I Have Had That Have Been Awkward For Them

• Recent conversation with a guy I dated for a month more than a year ago before he changed his mind. Initially I thought he was stupid but now I have realized he was just stupid. Also - when you look at my profile on LinkedIn, I can tell...

Him: Hi*.
Me: Hi.
Him: How have you been? (He left off the rest of the sentence which should have been "since I just stopped responding and completely ignored you").
Me: Good. (I want to forgive and forget but actually I don't)
Him: We should have a drink sometime.
Me: Expletive.
Him: Oh. Ok. I drive past your house all the time and always slow down to see if I can see you.
Me: That must be awkward for the people that live there now.
Him: Silence.
Me: Good chatting with you.

Normally I would be nicer but I'm not. So there's that.

• Person meeting me for the first time:

Them: Oh wow, where do you come from?
Me: West Hollywood.
Them: Confused look.
Me: Silence.

•  Awkward traffic encounters:

**Them: Honking their horn and cussing me out because I have half pulled over in the lane.
Me: Serenely sitting there until the ambulance that, by law I am required to pull over for, has passed.
Them: Offering up a very poor imitation of an apology by steadfastly looking straight ahead and refusing to meet my condemning eyes. 

• When following a girl in your car who is walking home, don't stop it in the middle of the street and get out to talk to her.  The cars behind you don't like it.  Neither does she.

Albino Rapper emerging from out of his car accompanied by a marijuana cloud: Hi, can I....
Me: No.

*His intros are always really good and make me want to respond with all kinds of detail about what I've been doing.
**Technically this is the other way around but that would make it awkward for me and this post is about awkwardness for others. Also, I am working on turning my car stereo down so as to better hear the ambulances. So I have awarded myself points for that. Points are also known as cake. I am eating cake for failing to pull over for a police car/ambulance/fire truck. I work on a slightly different reward system.