Naked and Afraid

Has anyone seen the show Naked and Afraid?* Basically a male and female are dropped off in a remote jungle, beach type area filled with all kinds of poisonous, bitey, killy things and expected to survive for 21 days. And they have to do it naked. They don't know each other but both have survivalist type skills either from the military or running survival schools.

Each brings one survival item - usually a machete and a fire starter. Neither of which was the first thing on my mind to bring - umm, shoes, chocolate, my own survival expert, food (invariably, there is very little food where they are and it all has to be caught and cooked and then there are dramas with getting fires started, not enough food that isn't a leaf or worm yadda yadda yadda. Have never actually seen anyone catch more than a snake, so am not convinced they are much chop with trapping and hunting skills), a blow up bed, a blankie, a helicopter to get me the hell out of there. Actually a helicopter is a brilliant idea. One of you brings the chopper and the other brings the pilot. You can sleep in it at night and stay warm without having to build a shelter. Then during the day you can fly around and find water and drop nets to trap wild animals. Why has no one ever thought of this? And they call themselves survivalists.

At the end of the 21 days they have to hike or swim to the extraction point where their emaciated bodies can barely muster up the strength for a high five. The best part? They always give the map to the woman. Which I am all in favor of although isn't the reason men aren't given the map because they refuse to stop and ask for directions when they are quite clearly lost? Am not sure that this works to the woman's advantage in the wilderness - have yet to see a wild animal point them in the right direction. God, it's such great TV! At the beginning their skills are assessed and they're given a PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) which is then re-evaluated at the end of the show after their performance. Being in a snit the whole time, cutting yourself with the machete 2 minutes into the show and eating things that are quite clearly poisonous will all lower your score.

About 5 episodes into a marathon watching session, I started thinking about my own survival skills and what I would bring to the table. I also noticed that despite watching multiple seasons, I had learned and retained nothing of the tips they were giving. Ergo, retention of knowledge is not on my list. However, the following is:

1. Am very bossy
2. Am also very lazy so like to think that bossy side will prevail but seems unlikely. Therefore, skills have cancelled each other out and I am back to the beginning
3. Can not start a fire to save myself but if my survival partner is hot then I will cuddle the shit out of him and keep each other warm. Until he gets all gross and dirty and then I'm going home
4. Will not eat anything yucky so will therefore come home looking very svelte.
5. Have a negative attitude which will force the other person to be positive. You're welcome.
6. Don't know the first thing about building a shelter but have watched men put up my tent many times and a beer would be nice. Also, I always say thank you and good manners are essential when one is in the wilderness
7. Have given myself a PSR of 1.

*It's on the Discovery Channel so is obviously legit.