I didn't write anything last night because for the last two weeks, my page views have gone down from the 100's to almost nothing and I got the pip. Yes, this is me being vindictive. So then I get to work and find that 40 people have viewed me before 8am. I mean I know I had to get up at 5am for stupid boot camp but what's your excuse, person from Guadeloupe? And where is that?
So now I'm feeling guilty and have to scramble to write something. Does everyone agree that the paragraph above is sufficient? Good, then let's move on. A little more consistency, please people. And donations. Which almost sounds like donuts. Which I will also take.
On another note, I had an interesting phone conversation with someone at work that I've never spoken to before. We had a phone meeting scheduled and as soon as I started to talk, I could tell that my accent had thrown them for a loop. Or it's possible they weren't understanding what I was saying about technology. I mean I Googled it but I was bit shaky on the details and legitimacy of my points. Pressed on anyway, say anything with conviction and a foreign accent and people will buy it.
Them: Are you from Australia?
Me: No, the other one
Them: Oh, South Africa.
Me: No, the other other one.
Them: Ahh, got it. England.
Me: No, the other other other one that is apparently a big secret and yet to be discovered.
Them: You don't sound Irish to me, is it Wales?
Me: Yes. Sigh...
Showing posts with label Donuts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Donuts. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
When You Go To Dinner With Work People...
Try and behave. Recently I've had two work dinners - one with people that are business partners of mine within the organization and the other with my department and several of my colleagues from the NYC office.
The first turned out to be an excellent evening at a place in Los Angeles called Littlefork*. Despite not letting myself have any sugar**. They ordered the Apple Cider donuts with apple butter and salted caramel and I didn't even lick the tops when they weren't looking.
The second evening was with people I work with and see (mostly) on a daily basis. We went to Fogo de Chao in Beverley Hill, which is a Brazilian meat eating orgy type of place. While there is a salad bar there, most people just wait for the gaucho chefs to come around and carve hunks of different types of meat onto your plate. Which you eat until your arteries clog. After a while, I was starting to hear the pitiful bleating of sheep***, the guilt-inducing mooing of cows and the oinking of dead and dying pigs in my head. But it's ok, I just kept eating until I couldn't hear them anymore.
After everyone had gorged themselves, we began socializing. My CPO (Chief Procurement Officer and kind of a big deal) had just popped by our table when one of my colleagues (a lovely gentleman from Brazil, as a matter of fact) asked me a boomingly**** loud voice "Do you remember when you gave me the clap at Christmas?" Do you know what it's like to be asked this in front of everyone you work with plus your boss and your bosses boss and basically almost the head of Comcast? But it gets better because he followed it up with "My sons loved it so much that I gave the clap to one of them and then because the youngest was complaining that he didn't have the clap, I gave it to him as well. So now we all have the clap in our house." It's not often that I'm lost for words but this would do it for anyone I would think. And then I got my words back. "So, you have a double dose of the clap?"
Yes, he said and I can't thank you enough...Brazilians are very polite. Give them an STD and they thank you. I know you're all thinking, why is she admitting this in such a public forum? Look, if Fifty Shades of Grey can put it all out there and make money off of it, why can't I?
But, if I might explain...
Last year, at the Christmas department holiday party, we had a White Elephant gift exchange and for a short period of time, I was lucky enough to get "The Clapper". Up until my colleague took it off my hands (the aforementioned Brazilian gentleman) and I ended up with a blanket which I much preferred. When the actual meaning of what he had said was pointed out to him, he was mortified and kept shouting "undo, undo" at me which was equally amusing.
*Ahem, Littlefork. Pretty decent plug for you given the large audience of two that reads my blog. Possibly you want to give me a free meal for me and my two readers? Or maybe return the $2.45 it cost me for a glass of soda water. Which is water with bubbles. Basically I paid $2.00 for bubbles. Should have just farted in my drink. I know, not ladylike but honestly, here I am, not drinking, not eating anything sweet and delicious and giving up all enjoyment only to be punished. Now I know how designated drivers feel...
**For those keeping track, I have now done 36 days and have 30 to go. Feel like this should have been one of those instances where I got sponsored to give up sugar. It's not too late - feel free to give freely to the blog. Don't worry about supportive messages, just send money.
***Surprising really since New Zealand is all about sheep and eating them. Specifically lambs.
****Luckily only our party of 20 or so people heard
The first turned out to be an excellent evening at a place in Los Angeles called Littlefork*. Despite not letting myself have any sugar**. They ordered the Apple Cider donuts with apple butter and salted caramel and I didn't even lick the tops when they weren't looking.
The second evening was with people I work with and see (mostly) on a daily basis. We went to Fogo de Chao in Beverley Hill, which is a Brazilian meat eating orgy type of place. While there is a salad bar there, most people just wait for the gaucho chefs to come around and carve hunks of different types of meat onto your plate. Which you eat until your arteries clog. After a while, I was starting to hear the pitiful bleating of sheep***, the guilt-inducing mooing of cows and the oinking of dead and dying pigs in my head. But it's ok, I just kept eating until I couldn't hear them anymore.
After everyone had gorged themselves, we began socializing. My CPO (Chief Procurement Officer and kind of a big deal) had just popped by our table when one of my colleagues (a lovely gentleman from Brazil, as a matter of fact) asked me a boomingly**** loud voice "Do you remember when you gave me the clap at Christmas?" Do you know what it's like to be asked this in front of everyone you work with plus your boss and your bosses boss and basically almost the head of Comcast? But it gets better because he followed it up with "My sons loved it so much that I gave the clap to one of them and then because the youngest was complaining that he didn't have the clap, I gave it to him as well. So now we all have the clap in our house." It's not often that I'm lost for words but this would do it for anyone I would think. And then I got my words back. "So, you have a double dose of the clap?"
Yes, he said and I can't thank you enough...Brazilians are very polite. Give them an STD and they thank you. I know you're all thinking, why is she admitting this in such a public forum? Look, if Fifty Shades of Grey can put it all out there and make money off of it, why can't I?
But, if I might explain...
Last year, at the Christmas department holiday party, we had a White Elephant gift exchange and for a short period of time, I was lucky enough to get "The Clapper". Up until my colleague took it off my hands (the aforementioned Brazilian gentleman) and I ended up with a blanket which I much preferred. When the actual meaning of what he had said was pointed out to him, he was mortified and kept shouting "undo, undo" at me which was equally amusing.
 |
| Not an STD. Annoying but does not result in burning pain...unless you overdo the clapping and end up with stinging palms... |
*Ahem, Littlefork. Pretty decent plug for you given the large audience of two that reads my blog. Possibly you want to give me a free meal for me and my two readers? Or maybe return the $2.45 it cost me for a glass of soda water. Which is water with bubbles. Basically I paid $2.00 for bubbles. Should have just farted in my drink. I know, not ladylike but honestly, here I am, not drinking, not eating anything sweet and delicious and giving up all enjoyment only to be punished. Now I know how designated drivers feel...
**For those keeping track, I have now done 36 days and have 30 to go. Feel like this should have been one of those instances where I got sponsored to give up sugar. It's not too late - feel free to give freely to the blog. Don't worry about supportive messages, just send money.
***Surprising really since New Zealand is all about sheep and eating them. Specifically lambs.
****Luckily only our party of 20 or so people heard
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Bear With Me...
Well I'm back but I'm not very happy about it. I'm even more unhappy about the fact that my blog appears to have made more money when I'm not posting. Just blank posts about nothing are apparently more popular than things going on in my life. Yet still not popular enough for me to retire.
There's no pleasing some people.
I have many stories from my holiday but since I am moving house yet again and in training at work on how to be a good manager*, I can't guarantee that I'm back on a regular basis. So hold your horses, I'll do my best but lets just keep the bar low.
On another note, if you want to help me move - bring donuts and coffee. Thanks.
*Just so we're clear, this is not corrective training because I am a shit manager. This is compulsory training even though I am a shit manager.
There's no pleasing some people.
I have many stories from my holiday but since I am moving house yet again and in training at work on how to be a good manager*, I can't guarantee that I'm back on a regular basis. So hold your horses, I'll do my best but lets just keep the bar low.
On another note, if you want to help me move - bring donuts and coffee. Thanks.
*Just so we're clear, this is not corrective training because I am a shit manager. This is compulsory training even though I am a shit manager.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Managing People
Most of you don't know how important I am but I actually manage someone which strikes me as being very important. Both for my level of importance and for them because I am shaping this person's future with my excellent advice* and my ability** to help grow his skills and therefore progress his career.
So far things are going pretty well although he hasn't brought me donuts yet and that's probably a fire-able offence, no?
I will keep you updated on his progress and how many gold stars I have given out. So far, I have awarded myself 12 because of the way I bring myself coffee, the fact that I show up to work and because I haven't thrown anything at him yet. I'm like the nicest boss ever. Pretty sure my last person did not leave because of me. This one time, I said thank you and gave her cheese***.
*Excellent as determined by me
**My ability is a bit sketchy in parts. Sometimes my sentences start out strong and then I remember I don't know what I'm talking about so I just stop and look expectantly at them. This is an excellent tactic because either they nod and tell me they understand, in which case we both go about our business being none the wiser about anything but content that we are on the same wavelength or they tell me they're not sure what I mean and can I elaborate. No. If I could elaborate, I would have finished the sentence and there would be diagrams instead of me creating geometric shapes with my lunch carrots and using those as examples of carrots in quadrilaterals. The best way to handle this is to tell them to think about what I've said, maybe try Google and come back when they have a better understanding. "I don't want to give you all the answers, I want to see what your thought process is like and have you propose ideas to me." The best is when they agree to this and go away. The second best is when they come back (although going away is always my preference. It's because I don't like people and I'm not allowed to hire my cat) with a solution and then both of us now know what's going on.
***Classic sign of a good boss
So far things are going pretty well although he hasn't brought me donuts yet and that's probably a fire-able offence, no?
I will keep you updated on his progress and how many gold stars I have given out. So far, I have awarded myself 12 because of the way I bring myself coffee, the fact that I show up to work and because I haven't thrown anything at him yet. I'm like the nicest boss ever. Pretty sure my last person did not leave because of me. This one time, I said thank you and gave her cheese***.
*Excellent as determined by me
**My ability is a bit sketchy in parts. Sometimes my sentences start out strong and then I remember I don't know what I'm talking about so I just stop and look expectantly at them. This is an excellent tactic because either they nod and tell me they understand, in which case we both go about our business being none the wiser about anything but content that we are on the same wavelength or they tell me they're not sure what I mean and can I elaborate. No. If I could elaborate, I would have finished the sentence and there would be diagrams instead of me creating geometric shapes with my lunch carrots and using those as examples of carrots in quadrilaterals. The best way to handle this is to tell them to think about what I've said, maybe try Google and come back when they have a better understanding. "I don't want to give you all the answers, I want to see what your thought process is like and have you propose ideas to me." The best is when they agree to this and go away. The second best is when they come back (although going away is always my preference. It's because I don't like people and I'm not allowed to hire my cat) with a solution and then both of us now know what's going on.
***Classic sign of a good boss
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