A Christmas Offering

Many* of you may recall when I took up graphic design and offered my services in an earlier post, accompanied by my portfolio of expert and artistic design. I am once again offering my services for the creation of your family Christmas card. As it is the season of giving, I will be only be charging a nominal sum of $1,403 per card ($3 of which will be going to charity so think about that before you say no). Below are some shots I have already taken of myself and Albert - we didn't have the luxury of props so I have had to skillfully draw them on each photo. Look carefully and you might be able to pick them out although they are hard to distinguish from the real thing.

Sometimes it's hard to get everyone to smile and look at the camera at the same time but luckily, I'm able to craft a natural expression on their faces so no one will ever realize that they were being a sour puss. I also find that a nice red lip brings every portrait alive and gives it a festive look.

Sometimes children forget about elegance and inadvertently show their undies. I just slap a big "censored" sign on - problem solved.

If you have someone that's a bit ugly and ruining your Xmas photo, put a tree in front of them.

This is a real tree. I hate those fake ones.  Also, when I said if there was someone a bit ugly in your family, I was obviously not referring to myself, this is an example only.

A nice festive banner can bring your photo to life and you can even have it made into a postcard. Make sure that everyone looks festive. This is a poor example as one of us refused to smile.

Posing with much reluctance, thankfully Albert was happy to be there.

A santa hat covers up a bad hair day, makes you look festive and like a Victoria's Secret model. See.

One of us doesn't want to be here. One of us is bleeding a little bit in a lovely festive red color.

If you don't have any Xmas balls, make sure you have a cat with one glowing eye. Very Christmassy. Don't try and stick him on top of the tree though. That will end badly for one of you. Also the tree.

Also, try adding a hula skirt.  Hula says Xmas.

*Well one of you might. Come on? Anyone?

Blog Stats Update - Graphically Presented*

I think rather than me bullet pointing out all my blog stats, this will be much clearer. 

 It's important to put as much information on a graph as possible.  That way, someone can look at it once and immediately understand the parameters and what is being conveyed in a visual fashion.  My graph work is as well respected as my mathematical abilities.

 *And likely inaccurate.I was having some trouble drawing the correlations.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Writing in diaries is boring. It feels like a good idea and then you start and after "Dear Diary", that's all you have. Kind of like a bath. A bath sounds like a nice, warm idea and then once it's full, you get in and then you're hot and bored.

I like those diaries that have a section in the beginning for you to fill out all your details. I have a lot of those. And some spare paper at the back.

I think you're supposed to write down your feelings and then it's supposed to help. Let's try. I am mad. No. Didn't help.

Maybe I'm supposed to confess my secret crush to my diary? Can my diary do anything about it? Will you stop me from calling and texting him until he realizes I'm normal? Will you stop me from falling in love with someone I can't have and then eating 10x the suggested serving size? No. Ergo, useless. I rest my case.

Dear Diary - a bit later in the day:

I thought I had a new feeling but it turned out to be gas.

Dear Diary - 10 minutes since last entry:

Nothing has happened since I last wrote to you. I could make something up if you like? I mean lets face it, it's not like you'll know if it's true. I think you've been given too much power over the years. All this writing to you that people do has given you a fat head. Because you're actually just a paper book with no useful advice and you don't deliver cupcakes. Also you are wet and soggy. That might be my fault. Shouldn't have tried to write in my boring diary while sitting in my boring bath. 

But somewhere out there, somebody is thinking of you and the tremendous influence you had on their life that led to all their successes.  But it's not me...I think you're boring.

Dear Diary - 4 years later:

Sorry, it's been a while but I didn't have anything interesting to tell you.  And then today while I was at work, we talked about getting additional training and taking some courses and we were asked to submit our requests for consideration.  So I asked for helicopter lessons. But apparently we don't offer that kind of training, because that has nothing to do with our jobs.  I feel like that wasn't made clear and have now had to cross numbers 2, 3, 4, and 7 off my list.  Turns out ninja training, crocheting (although I would have been happy with macrame), blind hanging and making macaroons are not up for consideration.  However, I can learn to use Excel if necessary.  Which it is not, I am as good at Excel as I am at Math.  And don't even get me started on computer skills.  I use that mousey thing every day. I know that to reboot, you turn it off and on at the wall and when it stops working, you kick it.

Actually on reflection, nothing really happened. 

Unawaredness

Unawaredness* is not a word. So I am going to use it. Because it describes the following perfectly:

1. Albert is unaware of his tail and the damage it can do. He walks past something and knocks it over, it crashes,he jumps and looks at me indignantly as if I did it and deliberately to scare him. Almost like how I am unaware of my own beauty. Just kidding - I know I'm beautiful, my Mum told me. While we were watching Miss Universe one day. She compared her pimply teen with braces to the contestants and said I was much prettier. And she's always right. Except for this one time but we don't talk about that.
2. You know who else is unaware?  Boring people**.  Even when I start typing or walk away from them, they just think it's because I had something to do. They have no awaredness of their boringedness.
3.  People running side by side on the footpath. Apparently they have unawaredness about where exactly I'm going to go so as not to be mowed down by them***. 
4. Flirtees - these are the ones being flirted with by the flirters. I have much unawaredness of this.  This is obviously the only reason why I am single. 
5. Every other driver except me.  They have much unawaredness about where I am going, how soon I need to be there, what speed they should be driving at, what the stick on the side of the steering wheel is used for and that you cannot push in front of me because you didn't want to wait in the right lane like the rest of us. I will squeeze you out.  
6. Me last week.  It was very cold in Los Angeles - as the weather channel reported, we had a cold snap sweep over us and the temperature went to down to 65****.  Winter in LA is brutal.  So, I dug out my winter coat, buttoned it up and headed off to work.  Looking like a five year old dressed me.  The buttons were all out of alignment.  This is what happens when you live here, you forget how to button.  I am button unaware.

*Have just realized the word I am looking for is oblivious.  Not unawaredness. That's not a word
** Actually just people
***Until I stop and put my arms out like I'm flying.  That brings awaredness to the forefront very quickly.  And then a fight.  And then awaredness that I am not a very good fighter. Or runner.
****18 Degrees Celsius

My List Of Must Have's For Men I Am Going To Date: Part 2

Just kidding - obviously there's more*. And in case you're wondering, the benefits of dating me are that you will be dating me. I could go on but I think I've made my point.

1. A daily shower. Possibly even two depending on the activity.  
2. Active - however, please refer to No. 1 above
3. Emotionally available. Unlike me. But as long as you are aware of it, it's totally fine. Just not for them
4. Tall**
5. Good communication skills - I think the next logical step in our relationship is speaking.
6. A sense of humor. But not better than me. Because I am always the funny one.  And the beautiful one.  And the smarter one.  And the best at Math.  But that's all***.
7. Your own cat. Also, Albert already hates you.
8. Your own car. And I'm going to need it to be better than mine. And then I'm going to need to drive it.  You can have mine.  It's got a bit of a holey exhausty thing but if you turn the stereo up, it's very easy to forget.
9. No hair on top of the toes. Not looking for a Hobbit.
10. Must be able to BBQ.  That means, clean it, cook it, refill the gas and obviously make the side dishes that go with it.  But it's ok, because you will only need to BBQ occasionally. Every day.

*If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to read yesterdays' post. Shame on you.
**Or short. Or in between. I'm not fussy. 
***For right now.  If we find you're better at something than me, then it probably isn't going to work.  

My List Of Must Have's For Men I am Going To Date:

1. A job.

Just wondering...

...why Trader Joe's uses two paper bags to bag groceries? Yay for paper but no yay for double bagging, that's for women runners.  Make stronger bags*. 

...why businesses warn you about a $25 fee for a bounced check? If the check bounces, chances are they don't have the penalty fee. You're never getting your money.  This is why you need to move into the 21st century and stop accepting checks.  Except mine.  You need to accept mine because I can't pay with my debit card because there's no money in my account.

...why no horses allowed?  It's a park - perfect place for a horse. Just another example of the oppression of man.  And horse.

...why you are here? (hoping for an answer that would stroke my ego). Oh, you came to see my suffering. Well, that wasn't it.

...why there isn't an app that will take an outfit I see someone wearing, find it, buy it and put it in my wardrobe.  With matching accessories.  Someone needs to get on that**.

...why camomile tea is called that when we all know its grass clippings in a bag.

...why the postage is more than the item?  Got my Mum a great deal on a sweater, reduced from $24.99 to $7.49. Cost me $20 to post it.  The only one making on this deal is USPS.  Or sucky sendy service as I like to call them.

...what that annoying beeping sound is? Must be something outside. It'll turn off eventually.  It's been 40 minutes and it's still beeping - I'm going outside to find it and give it/someone a piece of my mind.  Never mind, false alarm. Was the timer I set on my stove when I put the eggs on to boil.They're done now. Also a different color. That pot isn't going to work anymore.  But good that I know what it is now.  Was really starting to bug me.

...why?

*Yes I know, you all want to jump on me for not bringing my own bags.  Just so you know, I have about 8 in my car with very good intentions of using them.  Number of times I have remembered to take them into the store: Zero.

**Just FYI - that was my idea so I'm going to need half of everything once you develop it.  I think maybe there are physics involved.  So, I'm just gonna be the ideas man.