Ear Muffs, Albert!

So before I was a cat lady*, I was a dog girl - I was younger. When I lived in New Zealand, I had a dog called Shelby. Named after the lead character on Steel Magnolias**. I loved that dog, she slept next to me in bed with her little head on a pillow, her own electric blanket controls and pretty much all the same perks that Albert has. Which is perfectly normal. When I would get home from work, I'd stop at the top of the drive to get the mail from the letterbox and she would sit on my lap for the drive down the hill to the house. I let her steer. She wasn't very good***. Sometimes all the time we hit the hedge. And we laughed and laughed.  And then left the car there.

So that was the happy part. If sad things upset you, stop reading now.

One day while I was at work****, we got burgled. I was living with my cousin at the time who had a Golden Labrador called Molly. The two of them had a very clever run that we'd built out the back for them. It was so clever that every day they dug their way out. And every day we built more of the Great Wall of China underground to stop them. That Great Wall of China is not all it's cracked up to be. The good news is that the dogs stopped the burglars from breaking in. The bad news is that they took Shelby. Luckily the neighbor behind us witnessed it all and went and hid under her bed. Because calling the police was too obvious for a grown woman. That was the last year she got a Xmas card from me.

Turns out there was a dog fighting ring in the area and the police think Shelby was taken so she could fight. Hah burglars!  Jokes on you - sort of. Shelby was as much of a fighter as Albert is. And let me remind you of all the things that Albert is not afraid of. Nothing. Albert's most comfortable position: flat on his stomach under the couch fighting with the dust bunnies. Who kick his arse every time. 
The vet told me that with the type of dog she was (mongrel is a harsh word, I prefer shepherd/doberman/rottweiler mix but primarily shepherd), she would likely die of a broken heart as they're one person dogs. Albert is also like that. Except for the dog part*****.

So, that was that. I choose to believe that she died of a broken heart rather than in a dog fight. If you are wondering if I handled it well, I did not. My mother sent my brother up from the city he lived in to check on me, my aunt sent me to the hairdresser for a pick-me-up haircut and I pined. Fair warning for when something happens to Albert. Right, well that was uplifting, wasn't it. Come back tomorrow for some more cheerful stories....

*And again, let me remind the doubters that a true cat lady has more than one, she clearly takes very good care of all of them because they have all their eyes so there is still a slim chance for me.
**I challenge anyone to get through that movie without shedding a tear.
***But imagine her today with one of those assisted parking things in the car.
****Which just backs up my theory that working is bad for you.
*****Apparently this is what I do - animals, people, cake. They meet me and I become their one person. No wonder I'm single - men are clearly afraid of falling under that kind of spell.

Random Grocery Shopping Thoughts

• There's a rumor that supermarkets are supposed to be great for getting dates but you have to be able to read the code of the food in the target's trolley*. Pretty sure it's all about the bananas and their placement - allegedly if the bananas are facing up, it means the person is gay and single. If they were facing down, it means they are straight and single. On a side note, it must be awkward for people who are oblivious of the code and are just buying bananas. All I know is that I don't like bananas so I substituted with a jalapeno and now I'm either in a gang or engaged.
• I have an uncanny ability to pick the trolley that doesn't want to go in the same direction as me. All the wheels are at odds with each other.
• No way am I going back to the car for a second trip to bring the groceries in. Doesn't matter how much I buy I always think I can make it in one trip. Even when I have to park a block away. By the time I get in the door, I have no circulation left in any of my fingers and packaging has slit open a gash in my arm. But I made it. I beat the groceries.
• Some days I'm ashamed of the contents of my trolley and I want to put a sign on the front asking people not to judge me and the emotional state I am clearly in...
• Do you ever go and spend $100 bucks on groceries and then come home and order dinner because you can't be bothered cooking?
• I always make a list before I go. Sometimes I even bring it.
• Sometimes I go to the supermarket just for the free samples. Then I leave. Thanks for lunch. 
• When I first came to America, grocery shopping was fun - the food was so different and you don't have to peel your own carrots!  
• Grocery shopping at Target is a mistake.  We all know what happens when you go to Target for regular stuff.  Now that they have groceries, I have a 5lb gummy bear. 

We're friends.

 *Shopping cart for Americans

My Weekend

For those who know me, you know I go pretty hard-core on my weekends* and this past weekend was no exception. The big news first. Vacuumed. Which I think we're all very happy about. Except for me who had to do it. Unfortunately, it wasn't all smooth sailing. I accidentally sucked up two of Albert's toy mice. The good news is that the house is clean. The bad news is the cat is very sad. The good news is I have more. The bad news is he doesn't deserve them until he learns how to vacuum since most of the mess was his.

But wait, I know you're wondering how much more I could manage to fit into my weekend but in fact, I did. I was doing the dishes when a glass that the dish-rack failed to hold onto when I threw it in there, jumped out and broke. Naturally I considered getting the vacuum out again but twice in one day is a bit much. So I swept it up and will just avoid that area of the kitchen until it's time to vacuum again.

I think I've discovered what I'm really good at. Taking something very insignificant and turning it into an even more insignificant big ball of nothing.

*This is true except for the part that isn't which is all of it.

Random Car Thoughts

Things I don't ever want to say: Got a new car. Broke it.

I love it when someone tells me not to wash my car because rain is expected the next day.  I'm sorry, wash my what?

Do you ever see a car attached to a motor home being towed along the freeway and wish you could ride inside?  Me either.  But if I did, I would think it would be a good idea.  Until I remembered that it could come adrift.  But I would have the keys.  But they would be in my pocket.  And then it would be too late and I would be sailing past the motor home with a not very positive outcome.  Actually not a good idea*.

Sometimes I have races with the car in the next lane and they don't know.  They lose every time.  Except when they don't.

What's the correct term now?  Used to be "roll your window down" but those don't exist on most cars now.   Should we say "button your window down"? Seems like a much longer explanation is now required "push the button so your window will go down".**

There is very little difference between the sound a lawnmower makes and the sound my car makes.  I get a lot of looks.  I think people expect to see a boy racer in a lowered Honda hatchback with tinted windows and racing stripes.  I just try and look dignified as I roll past*** and pretend the noise is coming from the Jag in front.
 
*See what happens when you think things through? You stay alive.
**The first person that comes back with "put the window down" is unfriended from my life. You're missing the point.
***I was going to say "...roll past with the sound of a sonic boom" but I looked it up and sonic boom occurs when you move faster than the speed of sound.  I'm not allowed to go that fast.  I tried.  Surprise Factor - Level: Ticket.

Business Cards I Am Having made

Not just business cards but wallet-sized cards for all occasion. I don't want to be caught short somewhere without the appropriate card to hand out.

For when someone does something exceptional:

Probably throw one of these puppies down on my yoga mat after a successful Downward Dog.  Or maybe just throw one out the window of my car after completing a day at work.  And by completing I mean just showing up.  I don't think anything else is needed.  Although would then have to hit myself with a "Don't Litter" card.

 For those people that park like this:

You would get one of these...

Compliment Type Cards:

Probably follow this one up with a

to myself

For boys.  Or myself.  On a good day.

 Job Related Cards:

Probably just use this as my resume.  You can't argue with "Everyone"

Hopefully I won't have to threaten anyone...

Successful cards for picking people up:

Preferably a gift...

 

Just generally useful cards:

And my favorite - stating the obvious:

And the reverse side...

Some Little-Known Facts About Me

1. I have an uncanny sense of when an earthquake is about to happen. I woke up a mere 15 minutes after the last big one occurred.
2. I am not actually a Cat-Lady. I like dogs. Thankfully Albert can't read and we continue to live a lie.
3. I have a friend whose parents dug a grave for their ailing dog in anticipation of its death. The dog rallied but they continue to keep the grave and show it to the dog every time it misbehaves. I think this is a good way to raise children*. I have some other great ideas. Please ask.
4. I don't have a lot of feeling in my left lower leg and foot due to a ruptured disc in my back. I can't always guarantee that the leg is shaved since I can't feel the razor. I like to think of this a nice surprise for people.  Boys, mostly.  I'm still single.
5. I have a gift for numbers**.
6. I can handle my alcohol***.
7. I was born with no sense of rhythm.  Am currently receiving treatment but it doesn't appear to have taken.  Go on, ask me to dance...
8. My secret name is Auntie Gherkin but I will also respond to Gherkie.  Don't tell anyone
9. I buy myself birthday presents from the cat. It's a way of getting more presents. It's not fooling anyone.  Except the cat.  He's oblivious.
10. I have three tattoos.  Yeah, I'm hardcore.  I drew them all myself. One of them is a cat.****  People have commented on how nice my pineapple tattoo is. 

*I anticipate a lot of back-lash related to this.
**See previous posts. Go on ask me anything. 2+9=14. Bam!
***Up to two drinks. Then I have to be taken home. 
****This particular tattoo has been abused - it has been barked at and in addition to the pineapple, mistakenly identified as an artichoke and a dreidel.  

A Short Story With A Grain Of Truth*

This weekend I was out walking around my neighborhood when a woman walked past me and apparently thought I hadn't moved far enough over on the sidewalk for her to pass. She started cursing at me and then adopted a fighting stance. I immediately dropped into downward dog**. She ran from me screaming with fear. Or laughter.

*I was out walking
**Obviously this isn't true - in the real world, I would have kicked her arse with tree pose. Followed up by some hard core street fighting.  And some very not-so nice language.