How To Put Up Blinds

Before I explain how to put them up, I have to go back a little and explain why I have to put them up. I’m calling it “A raccoon moved into my house and then my landlord sold it”. Both of these things happened while I was still in it. Quite frankly, Albert and I had gotten used to the raccoon, we had scheduled times for using the kitchen but I couldn’t see a way of making it work with a bunch of strangers living there as well. So we moved.

Note:

• Raccoons can use cat doors. However a "husky" raccoon should not attempt it.
• Raccoons like cat food but they like to open the bag in seven or eight different spots and they’re not real fussy about any spillage.
• Raccoons will eventually move from the kitchen into the living room despite the agreement you have in place with them.
• Raccoons watch TV too and when you change channels, they will hiss at you. It’s how you know they are in the room. On the couch. Next to you.
• Raccoons are not afraid of cats. Especially cats that are under the couch.
• Raccoons will not sit and wait for you to take their picture, they want to make it look like you are a sucky photographer (see below). Instead, they will just keep coming through the door. Then they will hiss some more at you and eat the end of the broom that you are warding them off with.

Operation House Invasion. Level: Raccoon.
More Notes: When your landlord sells your house, you move to a new area which has its pluses and minuses:

• Plus: You are no longer next door to a gang house and the police helicopter hardly ever flies over and demands that the occupants come out with their hands up.
• Minus: There is nothing to see at 3am.
• Plus: You no longer have to share your house with a raccoon
• Minus: You are back down to one friend. And by friend, I mean a cat.
• Plus: You no longer live on a hill so you don’t have to drive everywhere because it’s too tiring to walk up
• Minus: You have no excuses for not walking. But you will find one.
• Plus: You no longer have to take care of the yard
• Minus: You didn’t do it anyway, your landlord paid for gardeners so this doesn’t really count
• Plus: You de-cluttered and are now a minimalist who will never let it get out of hand again
• Minus: Some things got out of hand and now you can’t open that closet safely.

So, that’s the back story and I’m now pretty much settled in my new place. Curtains are up but blinds were a new challenge. Hopefully this will help someone else that is a blind beginner. Instructions:

1. Buy blinds – mourn the fact that you can’t afford wood and have to settle for vinyl wood look-a-like version
2. Take blinds out of box. Read instructions. Leave blinds on floor and hope they put themselves up. For a whole week, the blinds refuse to get off the floor.
3. Reassess the actual need for blinds
4. Remember about the upstairs stalker and determine to put blinds up
5. Youtube how to put blinds up
6. Write to Target to complain about instructions for hanging blinds
7. Get out drill. Drill hole with one hand, holding bracket in place. Clean up blood and look for new place to drill hole. Keep drilling holes until something fits somewhere.
8. Take small break of five days
9. Get hammer, hammer screw in and resolve never to move again
10. Slide blind into bracket
11. Pick bracket up off floor, tack sheet up over window
12. Wine.

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