Getting Your Car Fixed

Well, it's time. The check engine light has been on for two months so it's pretty clear there's a problem and it wasn't just teasing me. So, I did the responsible adult thing - yes, I'm well aware it's been two months. Maybe I'm a different kind of responsible adult - and took it into Pep Boys because it's on the way to work. After I waited for two hours, they had a ten minute look and diagnosed two things that didn't sound like car parts, more than medical supplies. They also diagnosed it as being $772. Which was $700 more than I had diagnosed it. Which I guess might have been a little off since I've already admitted that car diagnostics are not one of my strengths.

Pretty sure it's not one of theirs either since they completely ignored the fact that I have a crack in my exhaust manifold and my car sounds like a lawn mower. I was fully prepared to talk my way out of the necessity of needing that fixed - after all, it's been 6 years and what's a little carbon monoxide poisoning anyway - but they didn't even notice it. That was my first sign that they were not real mechanics. Plus they weren't wearing a shirt with their name embroidered on it. Every quality mechanic has one of those. And their names are always Willy, Chuck, Bud or Neville. Maybe not Neville*.

Anyway, they told me to call them on Monday so they could order the parts and figure out when I could bring my car in.  I guess they thought I was stupid.  In their defense, I did look a bit stupid that day.  I decided to go to AutoZone and have them look up the price of the parts.  $242 is a lot more than $158 for one part.  Now if I've done my calculations correctly, we're looking at a 432% mark-up.  Give or take.  Again, do they think I'm stupid??**

So, I'm getting a second opinion.  And a third if I have to.  I just need the check engine light to go off and I need it to cost $30.  Anyone?

*I was going to insert one of those Name Generator's here - you know when you need to know your stripper name and it asks you for your initials or your street name. Sadly no one has come up with a Mechanic's Name Generator. So, there's a money making idea for someone. You're welcome. 
**Math is very difficult, it can make anyone look stupid

Things I Don't Know How To Do...

But might have pretended that I do.

1. CPR. I have no formal training in CPR since I presume a couple of lessons in high school doesn't really count. However, I am pretty much qualified since I've seen a lot of TV medical dramas. Basically I'm probably already a qualified doctor with the number of hours I've logged. From now on, you should probably refer to me as Dr Finlayson, Thoracic Surgeon. I'm not entirely sure what "thoracic" refers to but it sounds awfully similar to "thorax" and I'm pretty sure that's the middle part of an insect. Ergo, I am a "middle part of the person" doctor and I think that's where one performs CPR. Breath, breath, push on chest and repeat. Or something like that. So no real need for CPR training*.
2. Butterfly stroke. But let's be honest, no one really knows how to do this. As long as you throw your arms around, bob up and down a bit, I think you can claim it as nailed. I don't recommend using this stroke when you're trying to get to someone to give them CPR. It's more of a staying in one place kind of a stroke.
3. Fly fishing. I've done it a couple of times with my grandfather. It wasn't a success. But I might have used that experience to claim the title "Professional Angler" once or twice. Possibly even exaggerated a little bit when on a date and had to cancel the next one because he wanted to go fly fishing. It's ok, it never would have worked. He didn't know CPR or butterfly. My only two requirements.
4. Car diagnostics. I have two go-to's for car problems. "It's your radiator" and "It's your carburettor". I confess to not knowing (a) what either looks like and (b) what either does. I just know that both are very expensive. To be fair, you shouldn't be asking me anyway unless you are comfortable with me using the two tools I own, to fix it. A hammer and a screwdriver.
5. My job. So far no one has noticed.
6. Ballet. I have had an awful lot of training, but it doesn't seem to have taken. So it's not that I don't know how to do it and haven't had any experience, it's more that it's not really in my wheelhouse. Thankfully, this is one of those things that I have not been called out on and asked for a demo.
7. Technology. For example, watch a DVD using my DVD player. I usually say it's broken. Cos I don't know what plugs into what and I seem to have an excess of cords. It's definitely broken.
8. Tie a cherry stem into a knot using my tongue. Well, I can, but I'm going to need you to sit there for a couple of hours. And not watch me. I've been told it's not my best look when I'm really concentrating on getting it done. Which I find hard to believe.
9. Run hurdles. I might have been able to do this back in my heyday. Which was around age 10. But I think my time has passed. And really, it's like math - never going to use it in my day job. Except that I kind of have to use math**.
10. Moonwalk. I think my ballet training might have impacted my ability here.

*Pretty sure someone will complain about this. Please send complaints to someone.
**I get around this by explaining that (a) Excel is clearly broken (b) math is also broken and (c) let's just use our words and the numbers will take care of themselves.

Random Car Thoughts

Things I don't ever want to say: Got a new car. Broke it.

I love it when someone tells me not to wash my car because rain is expected the next day.  I'm sorry, wash my what?

Do you ever see a car attached to a motor home being towed along the freeway and wish you could ride inside?  Me either.  But if I did, I would think it would be a good idea.  Until I remembered that it could come adrift.  But I would have the keys.  But they would be in my pocket.  And then it would be too late and I would be sailing past the motor home with a not very positive outcome.  Actually not a good idea*.

Sometimes I have races with the car in the next lane and they don't know.  They lose every time.  Except when they don't.

What's the correct term now?  Used to be "roll your window down" but those don't exist on most cars now.   Should we say "button your window down"? Seems like a much longer explanation is now required "push the button so your window will go down".**

There is very little difference between the sound a lawnmower makes and the sound my car makes.  I get a lot of looks.  I think people expect to see a boy racer in a lowered Honda hatchback with tinted windows and racing stripes.  I just try and look dignified as I roll past*** and pretend the noise is coming from the Jag in front.
 
*See what happens when you think things through? You stay alive.
**The first person that comes back with "put the window down" is unfriended from my life. You're missing the point.
***I was going to say "...roll past with the sound of a sonic boom" but I looked it up and sonic boom occurs when you move faster than the speed of sound.  I'm not allowed to go that fast.  I tried.  Surprise Factor - Level: Ticket.

So Monday is here...

If you're wondering if I had a good nights sleep. Thanks for asking. No. Because when the smoke alarm goes off in the middle of the night and you stumble out of bed to stop it and realize that the ceilings are too tall and a chair isn't going to cut it and you stick a chair on top of the desk, you are bound to fall off and hurt yourself. But it's no good lying on the floor looking at what is clearly a broken ankle-foot-leg* because the smoke alarm won't care, it will just keep screaming "I will protect you from fire, carbon monoxide...and cooking toast"

*Self-diagnosed so no room for doubt. Better get the band-aids out again

And then your neighbors start waking up so you should put clothes on. And get back on the horse...chair on desk...and disarm it like the professional you are.

Disarm it with a smile and when that doesn't work, smack it.

FYI - there is a button that looks like an off switch. It's not. You have to cut off it's head. Like a Hydra. I finally wounded it enough so that it was just emitting intermittent baby bleeps. Which I decided I could live with. Not so my neighbors. Who can apparently live with barky dogs just fine. So now there are parts all over the floor and a bit of a hole in the ceiling but I hardly ever look up anyway.

And now Monday really gets going...

Something just didn't feel right...oh it's because it's no longer attached...

And then it kicked me in the arse...

You want to talk about no longer attached - the top of the shoe has had a serious disagreement with the bottom and they've parted ways...

And now I have no shoes to wear.

See?

Then Monday punched me in the face...

But I took it on the chin...and continued to get ready. Got myself some of that new Vaseline spray moisturizer. "Just Spray and Go!"** FYI - nozzle has a mind of its own. Wall is very well moisturized.

**Lies. Spray, spray some more, rub in, nothing happens, repeat. Give up.

And then Monday went quiet on me and I relaxed and then Monday was like "One Sec". And then...

 Just kidding - that was someone else's Monday. I'm waiting for the rest of Monday to hit - if each day is a gift, is it possible to return Monday? This may be the first post with an afternoon update because you know Monday isn't done with me yet...Just going to plan out my week in preparation for what's to come...

Monday
Monday 1
Monday 2
Monday 3
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday