For The Ladies*

So as I embark on my latest plan to exterminate the fat from my body, I wondered to myself, how much of the following are specific to me and do other women also do this**?

• Buy a pack of 4 cupcakes as a special treat for the weekend whilst having friends to visit. Eat all 4 on the walk home and return to store. Twice more. This is actually pretty understandable when you have a long 5 minute walk home. What else are you supposed to do?
• Buy small cake. And an apple. So that cashier knows you live a balanced lifestyle.
• Show your level of organization by buying Easter eggs for your nieces, 2 weeks ahead of time. Have emotional breakdown one evening after imaginary TV character dies unexpectedly (and I mean no sign at all in the promos), soothe self with aforementioned Easter eggs. Buy more. Realize that next week is the funeral scene. More self soothing. Buy more. Ask store to ship directly as it's unlikely you will make it through the memorial episode. Congratulate self on making smart choices.
• Amass a large amount of food at the grocery store, take to checkout - ask cashier whether they think this will feed 4 people for a week. Successfully divert attention from the fact that this will feed you for the night. Because it's Friday and you have no date so you should make a date with food.
• Go to the snack cupboard at work for delicious processed cookies. Come back again ten minutes later but do a recon first and make sure that the two people that sit outside the kitchen aren't there so you don't have to explain why you are a greedy pig. If they are there, go back to office and sit there cursing their names under your breath. And then wait until they leave for the day. It's a fine line between when they leave and the cleaners come in...
• Eat donuts in your car.  Donuts are a solitary activity anyway so no need to share your gluttony with everyone
• Make batch of chocolate chip cookie dough.  Disregard all warnings about raw egg and eat anyway.  Realize do not have fresh baked cookies as a treat after eating the raw batter.  Got to store and buy cooked cookies.  Congratulate self on supporting business and therefore making the world go round.
• Eat an apple.  Dip it in caramel.  Still very good for you but resolve to lose the apple next time.
• Have some crackers with your wheel of brie
• Don't bother getting bread, you just need a spoon for peanut butter.  And if it's almond butter, it's totally fine to eat the whole jar at once. 

*Obviously this excludes most of my female friends but you can read it anyway.
**Please just let there be one other woman...

What To Do When Your Flight Gets Cancelled - An UnHelpful Guide

If your flight gets cancelled and the cancellation will result in you missing an important event/meeting/dying grandmother as well as causing issues with hotel bookings in the city you are flying to, missing connections and unknown whereabouts of luggage, then you are entitled to do the following:

1. Cry. Violently. In the middle of the airport. Possibly even a little stamping of feet. But make sure people are watching.
2. Have a cupcake. You have been dealt an unfair blow through no fault of your own. You are entitled to recompense in the form of cake. While this won't help the immediate situation, you can later sue the airline for making you fat. Also, cupcakes are delicious, quite soothing and allow you the chance to calmly think over your next move.
3. Simultaneously call the airline and go to their Service Desk to make your feelings known. Don't worry about acting like a grown-up or being polite, it will get you nowhere. You need to go "full toddler" with your grievance.  You must demand that they inform the wind to stop blowing a howling gale.  You must convince them to take you up on your suggestion to fly the damn plane yourself.  
4. Upon being offered an alternative flight at no cost to yourself, possibly even a hotel room for the night, you must demand the penthouse suite, water flown in from an underground spring in Iceland and grapes.  Grapes say I'm sorry like no other fruit can.  A banana says 'up yours' and an apple says 'I'm not sorry at all, this took no effort whatsoever.'
5. Tell everyone you know about your desperate plight but any suggestions of help or advice are always wrong and impossible.

However, if your flight gets cancelled and they get you on a new one on the same day and all that happens is you have to hang around the airport for a bit longer, then you are entitled to do 1 through 3.  You can tone it down a little and you probably don't need a back-up cupcake.

Just some behavior I witnessed recently when my flight was cancelled.  I'll try and behave better next time...

So...

...you know what happens when the person that works for you, quits? It means you are too busy to write in your non-profitable blog. My job, my blog? Only one of these things actually pays me. I should have brought her donuts. That would make me stay. I'm a terrible manager. I forgot the donuts.

Anyway. Maybe I will write something tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday. Maybe I will win the lottery. Maybe someone will bring me donuts. If I win the lottery, I will buy all the world's donuts. Then there will be a massive donut party. But you will have to bring cupcakes or something because these are my donuts. Actually, now I want your cupcakes. Everything that is yours, I want to be mine. I'm going through a selfish phase.

Things I Am Guilty Of...

1. Feeling the need to push the pedestrian crossing button more than once. In case it didn't quite understand what I wanted....
2. Not making my bed every day. Actually I make it only when I change the sheets. Don't tell my mother...
3. When I use "Spray 'n Wipe" in the shower, I usually just spray and hope for the best.
4. Remembering to water my plants. They're so needy.
5. Not answering the phone. If I don't want to talk, I won't pick up. This is very different to my mother's generation - right in the middle of our skype call, the phone will ring and she will put me on hold to go answer it. And it will be her best friend who she saw an hour ago for coffee. And here I am, billions* of miles away...on hold.
6. Stopping at Stop signs. I'm more of a pauser...
7. Putting the new toilet roll in the holder. Why bother, it'll be finished soon. I do it when guests come over....so as not to seem lazy 
8. Shopping. But only for essentials like ball gowns.
9. Forgetting that I'm watching a recorded show and swearing at the ads for taking too long...
10. Buying jeans that look exactly like all the other ones I own.  I know I'm not the only one...
11. Pretending to myself that I went to the dentist.  Sometimes I get caught and have to pretend go again.
12. Wearing stripes with plaid.**
13. Licking the tops of cupcakes.  Then putting them back.
14. Coveting thy neighbor's cake.
15. Mixing my drinks.  I never learn...

*Accurate 
**Horizontal stripes no less.  I think this is known as the 8th deadly sin.

Tips For Losing Weight*

Diet To-Do List

1. Create a To-Do Diet List.
2. Check off first item**
3. Set goal of losing 30lbs by January 1. Only have 40 to go.
4. Focus: Lie on the couch concentrating really hard about losing weight and eating cake. I think this will work
5. Set realistic goals: On the one hand, I need to lose weight. On the other hand, doughnut
6. Come up with weight loss plan: I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise everyday. I'm going to go on a diet and stick to it...oh is that cake?
7. Clean out cupboards of all naughty food - throw in trash***
8. Cheat on boyfriend - not food****.
9. Attend social occasions and focus on people not snacks*****.
10. Borrow someone else's Weight Watchers points when a big event comes up
11. Hope for food poisoning - that's 5lbs right there
12. Take it slow - remember you didn't put the weight on in a day. On the other hand, how much have I lost since this morning?
13. Make small changes to see results e.g. eat a cupcake without sprinkles. Have a waffle without syrup. Unless you're having a cupcake and waffle for dessert - then it's fine.
14. Remember, no one is judging you on your weight because you're a good person******.
15. You are what you eat. Today I am a lentil.

*Not actual tips - if I had any that worked, I would be a lot thinner. This would be a lot more useful and we would all be miserable together.
**Congratulate self on completing two items on list. Reward self with nap. And small snack. Of 12 cupcakes 
***Retrieve from trash - no point in good food going to waste.  Start tomorrow.  Again.
****Don't have boyfriend - food it is. 
*****Those people look delicious. 
******All lies 

Terrible Struggles I Have Had In My Life

• This morning I put on a dress and I stuck my arm through the wrong hole. I can't get out. This is not the first time this has happened.

 

• It's Kirsten, not Kristen.
• This one time, I wanted a cupcake and they only sold them in packs of four. So I had none. It was awful
• This other time I was at the mall in the public bathroom and they didn't have those sensors on the taps and I had to turn it on myself. With my own hand. Than to add insult to injury they didn't have the sensor paper towel holder and I had to pull it out myself. Again, using my hand.
• Yesterday when I got home, I had to park a block away from my house because selfish people parked on my street. Outside my house. In my secretly designated spot.
• When I was young, I was only allowed to get 10 library books out at a time. My education was stifled. To this day I don't read as good or talk as good English as I could have.
• Sometimes my air conditioning is too cold. And too far away to change
• It's Thursday
• My headset broke so now I have to hold my phone. Which is particularly hard on my arm with tuberculosis that has not fully healed*
• I had to delete some apps from my iPhone so I could upgrade to ios7. And now I don't have that Bic lighter one for concerts. So, now I can't go to concerts.
• I have to watch some shows On Demand because I can't DVR more than 2 at a time
• I had Mexican food for lunch last week and I lost a corn chip in my salsa and then my recon chip went AWOL
• I can't see certain people getting hit by the karma I was promised. What goes around is just standing still.
• I just started watching a new Vampire show - The Originals - and I need someone to write up a character synopsis because my head is too tired to figure out all the main characters. All four of them..
• I tried to braid my hair and this happened. And now I have to look like this today.

Started with such promise.  Maybe if I put a bow on it?

*See previous blogs. You should probably read all of them in case you missed something.