Who Wants To See The End Result?

Am not a big believer in having everything matching. I think you should put as much on as you can with little regard for fancy ornaments. If you have ornaments from your nieces when they were three and six, they should have pride of place.

Clearly takes after her aunt - can you believe this is the work of a three year old?  The way the ornaments are placed on the star means something. I think she was trying to recreate an M&M cookie. 

More home-made greatness - some angels made a long time ago out of that shrinky-dink stuff.  

Nice lips, lady

Jesus. Face like a bashed crab, this one.  I don't think she gets a lot of angel dates.

Very serene.  Don't know if I would be with that haircut.  Although Marilyn mole is a nice touch.

Can't go wrong with a little Kiwiana...

This is a New Zealand Wood Pigeon or Kereru as we call it. He's looking a little nervous because Albert is eying him up and already smacked him a good one across the top of the head.

I don't know where these came from but they're shiny and sparkly, so whoever gave them to me, clearly knows me well.

Bug on a tree.  With glowing red eyes.  On second thought, this seems somewhat sinister.  But will leave it where it is because I am lazy and don't have back-up ornaments.

Seems a little more harmless.  Glowing green eyes just mean it's jealous of the other one's higher position on the tree.  Might have to take turn-about.

 And the crowning glory - the angel.  Because I don't have a Star, Albert wouldn't get up there and I have to go to work during the day.  Plus with the wobbly, leaniness of the tree, I think it might be an OSHA concern...

Hawaiian Angel - because it's the place of my birth.  Also we have the same hair, just a different color.  Kind of a big ball of fluff. Those look like skulls on her belt - which is not very angel-like.  Possibly "kills" in order to be supreme top of the tree angel?

And here it is - beautiful. Really showcases my artistic talent. Who else gets up in the middle of the night to see the twinkly lights on?

Shout-out to the wall for holding it up...

Getting A Xmas Tree - The Finale

Sounds quite fancy doesn't it? You would think I'd gotten the tree to beat all trees. Like this one:

This is at the mall by my house - The Grove.  It's the largest Xmas tree in North America at 100 ft - so clearly my 10 ft calculations in my previous post, were spot on. I might have made that up but I can say that I verified the fact by looking at it and it was f&%$ing tall.  I should submit that entry to Wikipedia.

Anyway, I decide not to get this one and go for something that will fit in my house and not overwhelm my ornaments. Ta da!

Now, I don’t know exactly what size this is but I can say that my tiny foot stool dwarfs it. In a tree versus foot stool fight, my money's on the foot stool. This tree was hard won. By the time I got it home, I was all f*%$ Xmas, this is bullshit, man. But the wine calmed me down.

The first place I went to wanted to charge me $28 for something half this size plus a $12 holder. I think not. Possibly they weren't aware of my Harvard Law School of Negotiation diploma. However, they may have had one of their own because when I said no and walked away, they let me. Hard to come back from so I really did have to leave instead of just loitering at the corner.

Next place was Whole Foods and they don't do small trees, however they were prepared to chop the top off a big one and give it to me. Only catch was, I had to buy the big one first. I saw straight through their plan. Thank you Harvard Law School of Negotiation.

On to the next where they were selling X size of tree* for X number of dollars. The one I picked was $45 dollars. There were some canny people measuring the trees and trying to talk the guy into selling them one that was clearly between two sizes for the lesser amount and he wasn't budging. Think he went to Harvard Law School of Negotiation.

Finally, I ended up at Home Depot. Along with all of Los Angeles. So that was fun. There was a massive line to get your tree trimmed, evened up and put in some kind of safety Spiderman net for the drive home. Newsflash people, the tree was cut from the ground, it's already dead. It won’t notice the wind running through its branches on the drive home while strapped to the roof of your car. It won't even feel a thing if it slides off on the freeway.

I was given a tree from the $20 area - where no one else was looking, this is America, after all, bigger is better - about the size of a small child which is how I'm now measuring everything. Decided it didn't need any trimming or protective gear so went straight to the front of the payment line. See, used my Harvard School of Law negotiation skills yet again - not only did I pay what they wanted, I took whatever tree they gave me. This course has paid for itself a thousand times over already.

But just when I thought it was all over and I could look forward to the decorating, they informed me that the person in front of me - apparently the only other person there who wanted a "petite" tree had taken the last stand. Not to worry, I thought, Rite-Aid is on the way home, I'll get one from there. No, I won't, they just sold out. No big deal, I'll pop into Target. For the record, no one just pops into Target - you come out with stuff you didn't know you needed and no money. And no Xmas tree stand. Luckily I have Kiwi ingenuity – stuck it in a casserole dish in a tall sided basket. Very classy. A bit wobbly and leany but that could also be the wine.

And after all that effort, turns out this is not the finale and you'll have to come back tomorrow for the finished product. And the nostalgic ornament memories. So, that sounds fun, doesn't it?**

*Wasted on me since feet are just what I keep in my shoes.
**Who else thinks I write great stuff when drunk? I just read this over and it's brilliant. Not even going to proof read it or reread in the morning. This is gold. Driving when drunk is bad, texting is bad but typing is the bomb!

Getting A Xmas Tree

I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've had my own tree and it's because I firmly believe, you need four things to make it memorable and worthwhile:

1. Family or a significant other. With family, you can reminisce about the ornaments and their history as you put each one up, including all the really shitty ornaments that you made as a kid that your mother kept and loves dearly and wouldn't dream of not hanging them on the tree*. With a significant other, you can make it romantic by wrapping them in popcorn chains and eating it off...I think I've made my point
2. Snacks that are terribly bad for you - not the popcorn because that's supposedly healthy, also can be quite strenuous exercise if you do it right. See above.
3. Wine or your choice of alcohol
4. Albert

Well two out of four isn't bad. Although, I have to say, the wine participated a lot more than Albert. I think at one point, he just left.

Anyway, this year, I decided to suck it up and just do it without feeling sorry for myself for not having 1 and 2 above. I did not succeed in this but I did end up with a tree. I went to my storage unit, retrieved the very cleverly labelled (by me - not only am I artistic, but I'm clever.  And organized) box that said Xmas decorations and took them home to see what I had. In the morning, I was all for getting one from Trader Joe's but had to rethink my options.

Think this is ten feet high.  Also, don't know how high ten feet is since I was brought up on the metric system but after a few calculations..seems right. 

Room for just the one ornament. So, that wasn't going to work. Because I have two.

And now for the cliffhanger...you're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see how it turned out. How's that for a cliffhanger? Did she get one? Was it the right size? Is it a Noble fir or a Douglas? Stay tuned, all your burning question will be answered tomorrow. Because I have to go to bed now because of the wine in the aforementioned number 3 above.

*Quite right, really, I am very artistically gifted.