Getting A Xmas Tree

I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've had my own tree and it's because I firmly believe, you need four things to make it memorable and worthwhile:

1. Family or a significant other. With family, you can reminisce about the ornaments and their history as you put each one up, including all the really shitty ornaments that you made as a kid that your mother kept and loves dearly and wouldn't dream of not hanging them on the tree*. With a significant other, you can make it romantic by wrapping them in popcorn chains and eating it off...I think I've made my point
2. Snacks that are terribly bad for you - not the popcorn because that's supposedly healthy, also can be quite strenuous exercise if you do it right. See above.
3. Wine or your choice of alcohol
4. Albert

Well two out of four isn't bad. Although, I have to say, the wine participated a lot more than Albert. I think at one point, he just left.

Anyway, this year, I decided to suck it up and just do it without feeling sorry for myself for not having 1 and 2 above. I did not succeed in this but I did end up with a tree. I went to my storage unit, retrieved the very cleverly labelled (by me - not only am I artistic, but I'm clever.  And organized) box that said Xmas decorations and took them home to see what I had. In the morning, I was all for getting one from Trader Joe's but had to rethink my options.

Think this is ten feet high.  Also, don't know how high ten feet is since I was brought up on the metric system but after a few calculations..seems right. 

Room for just the one ornament. So, that wasn't going to work. Because I have two.

And now for the cliffhanger...you're going to have to wait until tomorrow to see how it turned out. How's that for a cliffhanger? Did she get one? Was it the right size? Is it a Noble fir or a Douglas? Stay tuned, all your burning question will be answered tomorrow. Because I have to go to bed now because of the wine in the aforementioned number 3 above.

*Quite right, really, I am very artistically gifted.

The First Of My Weekend Events...

Neither of which was a success* but at least it gives me something to write about...

USC Pacific Asia Museum in Pasadena was having a "Fusion Friday" night. With wine. Why would I turn that down? I love wine. That sounds like they invited me as an honored guest. Not so, I invited myself and honored them with my presence. But just for an hour*...

The evening's festivities.  Note: Did not win the prize but did win Happy Hour.  If winning Happy Hour means buying wine.

This person let me sit next to them on their bench.  It was their first selfie...

One of these things is not like the other.  That's right, old guy in the background - get out of my authentic cultural photo.  And stop making it blurry.

This is the Korean drumming section leaving.  They waited until I went to the bathroom before starting and we synchronized our finish times..I'm sure they were excellent.

What you're not seeing here is the girl dancing with ribbons on her hat.  You're seeing the spot that she was in.  I'm sure she was excellent too.  Probably feels like you're getting the complete cultural experience with all of my quality photos. 

Possibly a blind sheep?

Very pretty lily pond.  Mostly none of my feet landed in here when trying to take a photo of aforementioned cultural events.

Craft center - putting clothes on the Korean dolls.  Not my hands.  I would have done it better.  And used buttons.

At least he gave her eyes.  Tried to help with my previous female garden gnome painting experience but there was a language barrier...

Car Park (Parking Lot) Dragon.  Does not watch over car park, I had to park on the street - thought he would have saved me a spot.

*And by success, I mean I did not win the door prize of millions of dollars, make new friends or have an awesome time.
**Am not sure they noticed I was there. Or that I left...

Why I Hate Mondays

This is how I deal with my problems.  I get a fighting cat.  With two eyes.

1. They're not Fridays.
2. No one reads my blog on Mondays.
3. I have no thoughts on Mondays - used up all my brain power just getting out of bed.
4. Who doesn't? If you love Monday's, we can't be friends. In fact, I hate you. Not same same people.
5. Monday's hate me. They're out to get me from the moment I wake up. Monday has a mean streak.
6. I look like I was dragged out of bed - the hair that seemed so "beachy" on Sunday is, what's the word? Ugly.
7. I have to put on my grown-up clothes. I'm not old enough.
8. Monday's last 67%* longer than other days.
9. I have to start my diet again. Luckily, if I mess it up today**, I can wait until next Monday to start over.
10. It's actually impossible to start anything before noon on Mondays***.
11. Sunday night: I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.
12. Here's a list of things I'd like to do today:

*Confirmed fact. By me. And my calculator. Into which I put 67%.
**I reviewed the statistics on this and by my calculations, there is 117% probability of this happening. Although I was somewhat surprised by the 17%. But there's no arguing with math.
***Depending on your viewpoint, this can be good or bad. I think this is what is known as the law of physics. Yes, that definitely sounds right.

Why I Love Fridays

• They're not Mondays
• They're full of hope...that will be dashed by Sunday
• You're expected to reward yourself for getting through the week in whatever way you see fit. And I do.
• Even though I'm there at work. I'm not there at work
• All that urgent stuff that I was supposed to do on Monday, loses a lot of its importance by Friday. It'll still be there by Monday.
• I have a date with wine. It never lets me down. We're both really committed. I think this is going to work out.

Depending on who is reading this - I may or may not be like this.

When You Are Traveling For Business...

1. Everything will fit in your suitcase on departure. However, despite buying nothing, it will not fit on your return. So you will wear two dresses and socks with your heels on the plane.
2. The stuff you hang in the hotel closet will still be there when you leave. You will never see it again. And yet, your suitcase still will not shut.
3. You will either be far too early for your flight or you will do a personal best (PB) down the tarmac.
4. You will carefully lay out each work day outfit, complete with shoes and accessories when you are packing. Yet once you arrive, there will be a component missing from each outfit.  Better hope it's not your pants.
5. Dinner will be by yourself and you will pay for your drinks separately so that your corporate credit card receipt doesn't reflect the fact that you are a rampant alcoholic*.
6. You will be on the 31st floor so there will be no need to draw the curtains.  Then the window washer will wash your windows at the same moment that you get dressed.  It will be awkward for everyone.  It's not easy for them to go somewhere else in a hurry...
7. The batteries in the hotel TV remote will be sketchy.  And you will never be able to change from the hotel welcome screen.  You will not feel very welcome.
8. You will unexpectedly have to go to a meeting in a different building with 2 minutes to get there.  You will be told to go to the 47th floor.  You should go to the 14th.  That will require going back down to the lobby and going to a different elevator bank that services floors 1-20.  You will now be ridiculously late.  You will find the room and try and sidle on in, knowing that no one has met you and has no clue who you are.  You will try and become one with your chair.  It will not work.  They will shoot looks at you that mean "get out - not your meeting".  So you will make notes in your notebook in order to look engaged and as if you know what is going on.  You do not.  Also you are writing "take me to my happy place, take me to my happy place". You remain where you are.
9. You will make it through the week because you are a professional**
10. You will only drop your laptop once when you get it out for the airport screening.  Thank goodness it's not your personal one..
11. You will exchange knowing looks with all the other business travelers.  Your looks will say "we're in this together, we're business professionals, we have expense accounts, we're not like these others".  Then they will call security.

*or cake connoisseur
**and a wine drinker

Valentine's Day

Since I have now made a point of observing all holidays blogularly*, I can hardly skip Valentine's Day. Even though it's not a real holiday and apparently not everyone is allowed to participate. I could go out with some single friends and we could pretend that we don't know what day it is or I could sit and reflect on some of my past Valentine's Day's gifts...

One time, I painted a terracotta pot with a heart and sent it to the boy I had a crush on at the time. It was pretty impressive but I don't know what I was thinking. What 18 year old male wants to get a planter pot as a gift? It wasn't even filled with anything. What did I think he was going to do with that?  Put it in his pocket? Not to worry, he ignored it completely and either it's currently (20 plus years on) growing a nice set of parsley or the mailman took a fancy to it and never delivered it. I'm going to put that on the list of gifts not to give.

This one time...I got nothing.  And then it happened again.  And again.  Times many times.

This year I got crafty and made my nieces some heartfelt gifts.  This happened:

1. There was too much glue...
2. I put moss in and realized after posting it that it might not make it through customs**. 
3. Shit would not stick down.  Throwing it across the room also did not help.
4. Decided there was not much I could do about (1) so just threw sparkly stuff at glue and whatever was still standing when the dust settled, made the grade
5. 2 minutes in...got bored.
6. 4 minutes in...ate the chocolates I bought for them
7. 10 minutes in...realized problem was I was attempting to craft without wine.
8. 1 hour later...should not have crafted with wine.  Accidentally bedazzled my yoga pants...and cat, bleeding and can no longer see creative vision.  Or anything else much...

Don't look too closely...

Girls love sparkly things.  Note: Not edible.  Tried.

*Is too a word. 
**Apparently made it through customs and I am very sorry, New Zealand, for introducing a dangerous moss that is about to bring down our entire agricultural system. 

When Things Get Hard...I Come Up With Solutions

• "Check Engine" light came on in my car. I tried driving around and wiggling the car in a zigzag-like way, in case the recent oil change shook something loose and made the light come on*. Didn't work. Just going to buy a new car instead.
• Timer on dryer doesn't work. Just stopped using dryer. Put clothes in spare room and turned heat on high.
• Plant died. Left it there as warning to other plants not to step out of line.
• Hem fell down on dress. Gave it to Goodwill.
• Cat lost his eye. Let him keep the other one.
• No eggs left in the fridge.  Went without**
• Got leg stuck in aerial silk class.  Hung casually upside down as if no big deal. Tried to look like I was meant to be there, which meant refusing offer of help to get down. I'm going to need someone to bring me a snack.
• My teeth fell out in someone's ear***. 

I know, I know - this just had such a favorable response that I'm trying to work it into every post...

Basically, I don't care whether the glass is half full or half empty, I just want there to be wine in it.

*Hey - it could happen.
**And by without, I mean, drove to cafe and made them cook me eggs.
***I actually have no solution for this. Everybody loses. Except me cos lots of people want to look at this and I think that means - "cash cow"!

A Day At The Races...

For those of you that don't know. Which is pretty much everyone. I used to work for the TAB in New Zealand taking phone bets for horse racing. In fact I still have an account with a likely amount of $0.43 in it. Betting on races is definitely something that I am good at. Like math. And some other things that I can't think of right now. Because there are too many.

Anyway, the point is that, I know racing. It's not as complicated as people make it out to be with their doubles, trebles, trifecta's, boxed trifecta's, forecasts etc*. Pretty much nothing matters but first place. Luckily I was able to explain all of this to my friend so she could see I was an expert. I'm not gonna lie, she looked pretty impressed. When I explained about "first".

We made a couple of imaginary bets on some races, based on the horse names which is how you should always do it unless you are more inclined to pick based on the jockey's silks**. My friend who we will call "M" because it's important that no one knows her secret imaginary horse racing gambling problem, won a lot of imaginary money in her first race. Never seen anyone so excited. Not even the people winning real money.

This horse is faking being nice.  His name is Peanut.  Well, not actually Peanut but I forgot it the minute the trainer said it so we'll just call him Peanut.  He certainly enjoyed eating them.  Note: If you don't have peanuts in your hand when holding said hand out to a horse not really called Peanut, it will bite you. 

This horse is disguise.  He's in the Horse Witness Relocation Program. 

This horse is called John Henry.  I wanted to put up a bronze horse bust of Seabiscuit but I'm not gonna lie, it was a little underwhelming and I'm hoping it wasn't to scale.  John Henry could have eaten Seabiscuit. Note: Not a real horse.

Let's be honest. We were really here for the wine tasting. Just happened to be at the races.  Shameless plug for this random vineyard -let's hope they follow the blog and send me a case of wine.  Because that happens.  Just not yet.  Note: You should not drink and ride a racehorse.  The officials get mad.

We should all wear our floppy straw hats, shoulder bags and sandals.  Long dress girl is being shunned for not reading the memo properly.

Them: OMG, can you take our picture? Me: Ok, but I'm going to use my phone.  Ok, bye.

For the doubters that thought I was just drinking wine with random horses

Artistic. By me. Note: Not real horses.

I totally recognize this horse.  Worst disguise ever.

Not Michael Jackson.  Not even close.

Note: Not the basketball game

Why yes those are silver horses galloping around her ankles.  Left one won. By a furlong

*Incidentally none of these bet types were available. I don't know what America is doing but good horse race betting with the right names is not one of them.
**Technical term.  For experts only.  You should use "tight pants and shirt".

Sometimes I...

• Add something to my list of things to do that I've already done so I can cross it off and feel accomplished. Sometimes that's the whole list and then I sit down and relax whilst congratulating myself for excelling.
• Don't get dressed
• Curse and swear at other drivers. Actually not sometimes...
• Am very, very good. But mostly not.
• Have an extra cup of tea in the morning. Don't hate
• Eat cake. Also, not sometimes...
• Have a good hair day. Last November
• Sing out loud. And then I get shushed.
• Think I can dance. But then I can't
• Soothe myself with wine. Called cake.
• Talk to my cat. But it's ok because he talks back.How embarrassing would it be, if he ignored me?
• Count Mini Cooper's on the drive to work. But not obsessively. Because I don't do it on weekends. Because it doesn't count if it's not the same route.
• Don't make my bed. But I always wash the dishes.
• Wish I knew more about Physics so I could invent a portal and go home for the weekend. I've got the Marketing Plan ready to go, I'm just missing the science.
• Think about getting up but then I don't
• Think about ironing clothes before I actually need to wear them. And then I decide to wear something else.
• Have nowhere to go when I look really good.  Which then reverses when I have somewhere to go.
• Hate beautiful people even though Pantene told me not to. 
• Think I am mutton dressed as lamb
• Pretend I am going to get up and workout before work. 
• Put workout clothes on and walk all the way to the couch
• Think I look good in hats. And then I put one on...
• Want to go camping. But just for one night, then hotel.
• Want to run away, travel, live off the land and have no cares and responsibilities but then I remember my retirement savings plan doesn't allow for that.  And by retirement savings plan, I mean the lottery. And then I remember that I don't buy tickets.

Dear etc

Dear Victoria's Secret Saleswomen - why are there so many of you? Why do all of you have to ask me if I need help? I didn't need help from the first one, so I'm unlikely to need help from the 5th. Why are there more of you than bras? Also, I have been wearing underwear for a very long time, I know what I need. And for the record, when you measured me, you got it wrong. I am size perfect.

Dear Other Drivers - You suck. Portlanders, you don't know how to drive in the sun and Los Angelians, you don't know how to drive in the rain. I however am a perfect driver.

Dear Trader Joe's - Why don't you have as many free samples as Whole Foods? Now I have to go to both of you.

Dear Wine - Ow.

Dear Albert - Run the vacuum around now and again, will you?

Dear Neighbors - Get out of my parking spot(s).

Dear Abs - Where are you?

Dear Wrinkles - No one likes you, go away.

Dear Morning People - I don't like morning. Or people.

Dear Math - What in the hell?

Dear Adulthood - Getting real sick of responsibilities and shit.

Dear Cake - Hi.

Dear Holiday Cookie Swap - I just swapped you for cocktails.

Dear Today - If it requires getting dressed, it's not happening.

Dear Universal Remote Control - You do not control the universe.

Dear Facebook - I don't really need you.  

Dear Friends - I'd love to hang out but I have to sit in my house by myself.

Dear Secret Boyfriend - If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you, none of this how did you get in the house crap...

Dear Lightbulbs in My House - Just because one of you goes out, doesn't mean the rest of you have to.

Dear two-kid families - You don't need the mini-van yet.  Just get a sedan.

Dear Character Building Life Events - I have enough character now thanks.

How To Go To A Bar On Your Own

• Leave the house. Congratulate self on good plan
• Return to the house to get Kindle (just in case)
• Select your outfit carefully - bar seats can be tricky to manage. Dresses and skirts will get shorter when you sit on a bar stool. Depending on the crowd this can be a positive... 
• Do a drive-by, but with your legs, of several bars to scour for an even mix of (a) empty spot at the bar (b) interesting looking people* (c) large groups**
• Select your bar, casually saunter in, look around questioningly as if you're meeting someone. Head to the bar and grab a seat. I like to sit in between a couple but not many people are open to this. I find being persistent works. Sometimes you end up with three seats to yourself.
• Ask for a menu and peruse it as if your life depended on it and there is nothing more interesting, because once they take it away, you are left with looking at your phone, bringing out your kindle or making an origami crane out of your napkin which you would think would be a huge talking point and have people flocking to you***
• Order something respectable and sophisticated. Like this****:

Classy.  Just like me.

• Consider ordering food - just remember, as a solo person, you are invisible to the wait staff so make sure they remember you by telling them everything you are allergic to. Eliminating gluten from your diet is tough but not nearly as tough as eliminating talking about eliminating gluten from your diet.  This is not the time to try - you need to drive the point home otherwise you will starve.
• Take a notebook and start drawing or writing in it - this is to draw people over to you to see what you're doing that has you so engaged. It will not work
• You will be judged for being a woman in a bar on your own. No one will believe that you just wanted to get a drink and hang out. And make new friends so you can invite them over for dinner parties where you will sit around and have witty and intellectually stimulating conversation.  Not around a fire pit.  Because you don't have one.
• At a certain point, you will realize that since you have no one to talk to, you have drunk a little too much, a little too quickly. That's when you receive an imaginary text "You can dance - Sincerely, Wine". And you do. And you can't. And it's a bar not a club. No one else is dancing. And they want you off the bar. But you had a hard enough time getting up there so there is where you'll stay. So you pretend it's a piano and you try and look all sexy and writhe around on the bar and then you fall off and realize getting down was easier although more painful than you first thought.
• If you have not been kicked out at this point, you take your seat with grace. And a little huffing and puffing which sort of ruins the grace part.

*This is very hard to tell. And hard to do without appearing judgmental. Luckily this is my blog so I can do whatever I want. Avoid very beautiful people. You don't want the competition. You also don't want super ugly people.
**Sometimes they won't notice that you have attached yourself to them and are pretending to be one of the crowd. Casually helping yourself to the bottle of wine they have ordered will help you to blend. Generally. Sometimes you will have to leave. Very fast.
***You would be wrong
****This will also let your fellow bar-goers just what kind of person you are.  And they will want to be your best friend.  Sometimes, they won't know this immediately.

Cake Decorating - Part 3

And now we reach the last stage of what I am already a bit bored with. This frosting/decorating thing is a very expensive hobby for a one-time hobby that I'm about to do for one time. I think I'm a bit OCD and ADD which means I do everything perfectly, just not for very long.  But, I'm totally focused and ready to do this - nothing will detract from my commitment.  Oh look, a puppy.

Fondant in a thousand different flavors, a fondant lifty uppy thing, fondant smoothy thing, leopard print duct tape sheets (to tape the cake together if things go horribly wrong) and fondant cutter. Apparently different from a knife and therefore essential.

So things went well - started at 6pm, ended at 3am, was ready to be done at 7pm. Now, that I am a master baker and decorator*, I feel I can share some tips:

• Get everything ready and have different stations for each stage of the process. Visit the wine station first.

Hands-free wine

• Safety first - do not decorate when angry or in an angry place. No one got hit by a rolling pin but I did feel threatened and in an unsafe environment at times.
• Do not give advice. You will get smacked in the head by a spatula**. Constructive criticism only works when you constructively criticize yourself and even that never goes well for me.
• Toothpicks are your friend. Just because you use your mind to keep a cake element in place, does not mean it will. Please eat the cake carefully - it will not be like looking for a needle in a haystack, unless the cake is the needle.
• When dying white fondant to another color, you will reach a point when you think the color will never even out. You will be right.
• If you select yellow fondant and think you can make it better by adding more yellow. You are wrong. So you will add orange. And then you will try and correct that by adding brown. Then you will start over.

Hepatitis Hands

•  Before rolling fondant. Stretch. 

Before we started rolling, our arms were flabby and un-toned.  We owe everything to fondant.

• Before rolling fondant. Get someone else to do it
• While rolling fondant your arms will get tired. Just quit.
• While rolling fondant, wear a headband. It will stop you from getting salty fondant.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, it will go badly.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, keep in mind that you will do this several times. Then you will just accept that sticking fondant lumps on as patches is not standard practice but you no longer care.
• Part way through you will look at what you have made and realize that you have made an egg. Your theme is jungle.

Caution: Not a real egg

Finally you will finish. The end result:

Made a zebra/giraffe cake.  Put ears on it.

Photo bomb: Level Giraffe

Despite my scoffing at Schmistine's lofty goals for her first time, she nailed it.  Actually literally nailed it.  And glued it and threatened it.  Nothing is moving.  However, Schmistine tells me she has learned her lesson and will next time just attempt a small round cake...and create a world globe. 

Her son has just started pre-school and they're having a bake sale - so while the other mothers show up with banana bread loaves, Schmistine, will show up with this.  Just a little something she whipped up the night before.  Take that, other mothers.

For those that think this is amazing, you are right.  I did an amazing job.  While I may not have done the actual decorating, I was there every step of the way giving advice, constructive criticism, eating the fondant, rolling out fondant to replace what I just ate, fixing holes I made after careless rolling pin placement, holding the hot glue gun and I must have rolled fondant for it for a good 10 seconds.

Cake is totally edible.  Cardboard, rhinestones and glue will probably not have a detrimental effect on you.  Eat at your own risk.  Step aside fondant, this is case for glue.

So, I think we can call this hobby a success...and infinitely better than any of these...

Does anyone want to eat this? Worst baby shower cake ever

Sometimes it works better in your head...execution is difficult

Why you never relay the message over the phone

*Self-appointed
**Rubber ones hurt more than wooden