Dear etc

Dear Victoria's Secret Saleswomen - why are there so many of you? Why do all of you have to ask me if I need help? I didn't need help from the first one, so I'm unlikely to need help from the 5th. Why are there more of you than bras? Also, I have been wearing underwear for a very long time, I know what I need. And for the record, when you measured me, you got it wrong. I am size perfect.

Dear Other Drivers - You suck. Portlanders, you don't know how to drive in the sun and Los Angelians, you don't know how to drive in the rain. I however am a perfect driver.

Dear Trader Joe's - Why don't you have as many free samples as Whole Foods? Now I have to go to both of you.

Dear Wine - Ow.

Dear Albert - Run the vacuum around now and again, will you?

Dear Neighbors - Get out of my parking spot(s).

Dear Abs - Where are you?

Dear Wrinkles - No one likes you, go away.

Dear Morning People - I don't like morning. Or people.

Dear Math - What in the hell?

Dear Adulthood - Getting real sick of responsibilities and shit.

Dear Cake - Hi.

Dear Holiday Cookie Swap - I just swapped you for cocktails.

Dear Today - If it requires getting dressed, it's not happening.

Dear Universal Remote Control - You do not control the universe.

Dear Facebook - I don't really need you.  

Dear Friends - I'd love to hang out but I have to sit in my house by myself.

Dear Secret Boyfriend - If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you, none of this how did you get in the house crap...

Dear Lightbulbs in My House - Just because one of you goes out, doesn't mean the rest of you have to.

Dear two-kid families - You don't need the mini-van yet.  Just get a sedan.

Dear Character Building Life Events - I have enough character now thanks.