Never Leave Your Ford Laser Unattended

Because if you do, it will get broken into. Ten times. America, your people might kill more than ours but we will rob you blind first. The first time was not long after I bought the car. As I mentioned, I got it from a boy racer who had invested in the latest stereo system. It was one of those that you could pull out and take with you when you left the car so that no one would steal it. So, every time I got out of the car, I would pull it out and put it under the driver's seat. Where all the criminals knew it was kept. So, they would smash my little quarter glass, reach under the seat and take it. They would also take a selection of my cassette tapes - I lost the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack tragically in the first wave. I find it offensive that they left some behind. You don't steal my stuff AND question my taste.

So, the insurance company and I would replace it. I went through two of those. With additional cassette casualties - James Reyne,* Living Colour, Terence Trent D'Arby. Mints. Various items of clothing. They did however leave my sunglasses. So now, they are calling into question my music taste and my fashion sense. I am being victimized from all directions.

Round two was the stereo with the detachable face. You just took the face off and put it in your handbag. Or under the seat. Apparently they knew about that one too. So after two of those, I finally learned my lesson and stopped putting things of value under the seat. Also, I moved to another city to evade the criminals. Who came with me. So, now they would just break into the car and look around at the complete emptiness of the interior. Apparently they needed to be in the car to determine this, they couldn't just look through the window. By now, the locks on both the passenger and driver sides were completely buggered so I carried a hammer in my glove box. When I had to get in the car, I would wiggle the lock three times and climb in through the passenger side. Then I could use the claw part of the hammer to lift the lock up on the driver side so I could exit with some dignity. After my dignified exit, I would then pound the lock down with the hammer, throw it in the car and walk off with a dignified air.

Eventually Dad got sick of me having to replace the quarter glass window so he replaced it with perspex. Take that criminals, now see if you can break my window and steal my stuff. So, they just took the whole car instead. Problem solved. Take that Special K and Special Dad. It wasn't just any old thief that finally took the car. It was a thief recently out of prison with a broken leg in a full cast. I was working in a bank in Auckland at the time when a customer came running in to ask if anyone owned a red Ford hatchback. Someone had just been seen smashing the window and driving off in it, with the police in hot pursuit.

After he hit a wall, he got out and climbed over it. Apparently forgetting his broken leg. Which hampered him at the bottom on the other side. Which is where the police found him.

*Who here hasn't sung along to James Reyne? Slave, One More River, She Don't Like That. Good job, Australia