Issues I Have With Exercise

1. My face. It does not do exercise well. Gets fiery red and as soon as I stop moving, the sweat pours out. Very unattractive. Reminds me of when I cry - I had a friend in high school who looked stunning after tears. Her eyes glistened and she glowed. My nose gets bigger and redder, any makeup immediately leaves my face. Inconsistently. Eyes get blotchy and I snivel. In short, as long as I am sitting completely still, doing nothing, I am a lot more attractive.
2. It is very tiring.
3. You are supposed to feel rewarded with the euphoria of endorphins racing through your system. Not chocolate.
4. Spinning. I understand that when on a road or racing bike, you want it to be as light as possible so everything, including the seat is minimal and weightless. Did you know that in a Spinning class, that bike is not going anywhere? You can ride as fast as you like, it will not move. Unless there is an unfortunate incident involving balance. If you are my friend, spinning next to me and you have one of these incidents, I will ride off into the sunset. That is to say, I will continue pedaling and pretend not to know you. Anyway, the point is, the bike doesn't need to be lightweight so for goodness sake, make the seat bigger. And pad it. Put a damn couch on there.
5. When I tell someone what I did for a workout, they compare it to theirs and I realize mine was a bit feeble and then I have to lie. Exercise makes me a liar. Which means exercise is bad.
6. It doesn't undo the damage of cake. Which I was promised. By exercise. The liar.
7. When you stop exercising for a while, your muscles will becoming flabby within 48 hours. It will take 48 days of obsessively working out to get them back*. Cake doesn't do this to you. If you stop eating it for a while and then eat it again, you will experience the euphoria of endorphins racing through your system.
8. You are supposed to do it and if you don't, exercise will make you feel guilty. Which was supposed to be one of the 7 deadly sins but someone lost count. Exercise = guilt = sin. Ergo, exercise is bad and you will go to hell if you do it. I need to stop immediately.
9. It looks bad if you walk into the class eating a doughnut. Which is very unfair to doughnuts. Who never hurt anyone.
10. Apparently if you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't try hard enough. I am not sure what it says if you didn't look cute at the start. Probably that you are forced to wear tight, form-fitting clothing so as not to get stuck in the Pilates reformer and your body is unhappy at the thought. Because it prefers a nice caftan.
11. The Pilates carriage on the reformer is out to get you.  Just keep one leg on the bar and slowly push the carriage out, the instructor says.  And then slowly bring it back in.  Back in?  This thing isn't going back in, it's going further and further out and my legs will never see each other again. 

*Science. By me.