When You Are Traveling For Business...

1. Everything will fit in your suitcase on departure. However, despite buying nothing, it will not fit on your return. So you will wear two dresses and socks with your heels on the plane.
2. The stuff you hang in the hotel closet will still be there when you leave. You will never see it again. And yet, your suitcase still will not shut.
3. You will either be far too early for your flight or you will do a personal best (PB) down the tarmac.
4. You will carefully lay out each work day outfit, complete with shoes and accessories when you are packing. Yet once you arrive, there will be a component missing from each outfit.  Better hope it's not your pants.
5. Dinner will be by yourself and you will pay for your drinks separately so that your corporate credit card receipt doesn't reflect the fact that you are a rampant alcoholic*.
6. You will be on the 31st floor so there will be no need to draw the curtains.  Then the window washer will wash your windows at the same moment that you get dressed.  It will be awkward for everyone.  It's not easy for them to go somewhere else in a hurry...
7. The batteries in the hotel TV remote will be sketchy.  And you will never be able to change from the hotel welcome screen.  You will not feel very welcome.
8. You will unexpectedly have to go to a meeting in a different building with 2 minutes to get there.  You will be told to go to the 47th floor.  You should go to the 14th.  That will require going back down to the lobby and going to a different elevator bank that services floors 1-20.  You will now be ridiculously late.  You will find the room and try and sidle on in, knowing that no one has met you and has no clue who you are.  You will try and become one with your chair.  It will not work.  They will shoot looks at you that mean "get out - not your meeting".  So you will make notes in your notebook in order to look engaged and as if you know what is going on.  You do not.  Also you are writing "take me to my happy place, take me to my happy place". You remain where you are.
9. You will make it through the week because you are a professional**
10. You will only drop your laptop once when you get it out for the airport screening.  Thank goodness it's not your personal one..
11. You will exchange knowing looks with all the other business travelers.  Your looks will say "we're in this together, we're business professionals, we have expense accounts, we're not like these others".  Then they will call security.

*or cake connoisseur
**and a wine drinker

A Summary of My Current Business

You know when shows do a recap or make an episode out of old episodes and try and pretend like they're doing you a favor so you can get caught up or reminisce when really they're being cheap and lazy? I love that.  I'm doing that right now. And I'm linking back to the relevant posts so you have to read them again.  It's a win win.  For me.  You - eh, not so much.

• Entertainment Details Critic - this is a new one and I didn't even know it was a business until I wrote about it yesterday.  Pretty sure all the entertainment companies are going to want me.  And I'm going to have to watch a lot of TV and movies.  And you know what that means?  Popcorn.  And wine.  Everyone knows you can't critique anything without wine.
• Cat toupees - I foresee an enormous need for these.  And a never-ending supply of material to make them.  They're sustainable, fashionable, they blend right in and no glue is needed.*

Grandma Toupee.

• Graphs and Presentations - if you have the data, I have the graph for you.  I don't want to hear any complaints about it not making sense, the important thing is it's in a graph format and you have paid me. I will also throw in a free decision tree or flowchart.   I put all my life information in a graph or spreadsheet.  It's not OCD, it's completely normal.

• Photo Touch-ups and Edits - probably my best business.  Because of my talents. Here's a little reminder:

 

• Cake Decorator - give me any design and I will decorate a cake perfectly for you. As long as you want a round or square cake with nothing on it.

All my cakes smile at me.  Before I cook them.  #CakeCruelty

• Carrot Carver - you might think that there is not a lot of call for this. You are correct.

Easter Island Carrot.  It's true, I have some free time.

• Beauty Adviser - I can help you with your hair, your waxing needs and makeup application. No questions asked. No refunds either**.

1.A smoky eye will really make your face pop. 2. Waxing is not easy and often you will rip the skin from the inside of your lip.  Which is also actually hard for most people to do but not a problem for me. 3. Ask me how to do any type of braid.  This is what you'll get but ask me anyway.

• Vet - If your pet has a booboo, I have a bandaid.  If your pet's leg falls off, I have a bandaid.  If you pet has cancer, I have a bandaid.  If your pet dies, I put a bandaid on you.  And I have a cupcake.

Long-suffering cat.  But completely healed.  By a bandaid.  Note: Eye has still not grown back, will try Mickey Mouse bandaid instead

• Dressing myself - you might not see this as business but in order for me to be effective in all my other business lines, I need to have clothes on. Generally. I got this.

• Kids Birthday Gift Bag Pairings - this is not the norm.  Most companies offer to cater, plan or provide the decorations.  My service is much more specific.  And therefore, useful. I carefully look at the animal pairings for toy animals going into a gift bag for animal/zoo themed birthday parties. I'm not sold on just doing kids so if you have a need, reach out. 

The average and untrained person would put a corgi with an alligator and an armadillo.  Ridiculous.  Everyone knows that Armadillo's and Corgis are best friends and will totally shut out the Gator, making him feel like a third wheel and then he will eat them and that child will end up with just one animal in his gift bag. Is that what you people want??

*Or advised. Although I did have a crack at it. Rubber bands for securing toupee to head are also not advised as they lead to a condition called "scratched and bleeding". Just pop it on top and walk behind the cat so you can keep picking it up and putting it back.
**Cannot promise you will (a) not lose your hair (b) not lose your skin (c) look good.