A Summary of My Current Business

You know when shows do a recap or make an episode out of old episodes and try and pretend like they're doing you a favor so you can get caught up or reminisce when really they're being cheap and lazy? I love that.  I'm doing that right now. And I'm linking back to the relevant posts so you have to read them again.  It's a win win.  For me.  You - eh, not so much.

• Entertainment Details Critic - this is a new one and I didn't even know it was a business until I wrote about it yesterday.  Pretty sure all the entertainment companies are going to want me.  And I'm going to have to watch a lot of TV and movies.  And you know what that means?  Popcorn.  And wine.  Everyone knows you can't critique anything without wine.
• Cat toupees - I foresee an enormous need for these.  And a never-ending supply of material to make them.  They're sustainable, fashionable, they blend right in and no glue is needed.*

Grandma Toupee.

• Graphs and Presentations - if you have the data, I have the graph for you.  I don't want to hear any complaints about it not making sense, the important thing is it's in a graph format and you have paid me. I will also throw in a free decision tree or flowchart.   I put all my life information in a graph or spreadsheet.  It's not OCD, it's completely normal.

• Photo Touch-ups and Edits - probably my best business.  Because of my talents. Here's a little reminder:

 

• Cake Decorator - give me any design and I will decorate a cake perfectly for you. As long as you want a round or square cake with nothing on it.

All my cakes smile at me.  Before I cook them.  #CakeCruelty

• Carrot Carver - you might think that there is not a lot of call for this. You are correct.

Easter Island Carrot.  It's true, I have some free time.

• Beauty Adviser - I can help you with your hair, your waxing needs and makeup application. No questions asked. No refunds either**.

1.A smoky eye will really make your face pop. 2. Waxing is not easy and often you will rip the skin from the inside of your lip.  Which is also actually hard for most people to do but not a problem for me. 3. Ask me how to do any type of braid.  This is what you'll get but ask me anyway.

• Vet - If your pet has a booboo, I have a bandaid.  If your pet's leg falls off, I have a bandaid.  If you pet has cancer, I have a bandaid.  If your pet dies, I put a bandaid on you.  And I have a cupcake.

Long-suffering cat.  But completely healed.  By a bandaid.  Note: Eye has still not grown back, will try Mickey Mouse bandaid instead

• Dressing myself - you might not see this as business but in order for me to be effective in all my other business lines, I need to have clothes on. Generally. I got this.

• Kids Birthday Gift Bag Pairings - this is not the norm.  Most companies offer to cater, plan or provide the decorations.  My service is much more specific.  And therefore, useful. I carefully look at the animal pairings for toy animals going into a gift bag for animal/zoo themed birthday parties. I'm not sold on just doing kids so if you have a need, reach out. 

The average and untrained person would put a corgi with an alligator and an armadillo.  Ridiculous.  Everyone knows that Armadillo's and Corgis are best friends and will totally shut out the Gator, making him feel like a third wheel and then he will eat them and that child will end up with just one animal in his gift bag. Is that what you people want??

*Or advised. Although I did have a crack at it. Rubber bands for securing toupee to head are also not advised as they lead to a condition called "scratched and bleeding". Just pop it on top and walk behind the cat so you can keep picking it up and putting it back.
**Cannot promise you will (a) not lose your hair (b) not lose your skin (c) look good.