Nike Fuel Band

Recently a friend gave me a Nike Fuel Band and then I was lucky enough to attend a Nike event where I received another one. I'm now double-wristing fuel bands.  No big deal.  I'm exhausted. This is a great free plug for Nike here so Nike you should send me lots of clothes and shoes. Size 7. Thanks. 

I really want to provide you with a detailed description of what the fuel band does but (a) I'm still waiting on all those free clothes and shoes and (b) something wrong with your fingers?  #googleit*.  

For those that don't know, I used to work for Nike and will always be loyal which is why my workouts don't go as well when I mix my brands. Which I would never do. Except for that one time when I bought a LuluLemon top today.

When I was there, there was no such thing as the Fuel Band** - I had the chip in my shoe for recording my runs and I had the Nike Training Club app on my phone. Just to be clear, having those things is not the same as doing and using them. But I enjoyed having them very much. And now I have this. And it's pretty cool but there are a couple of issues*:

1. It does not award me fuel points for breathing, which I consistently do all day long. Sometimes in the evening, I stop for a while but everyone deserves a break now and then. Some days I will sit (or lie down if I'm very tired) and breathe the shit out of my lungs and nothing.
2. It does not award me fuel points for blinking. On several occasions I batted my eyelashes and there were no visible points given for that.  Why penalize me for being sexy, Nike?
3. If I don't do enough, I think it's very uncool to remind me that I am lazy. Every day.
4. I am a very restless sleeper - sadly, I think this is where I get most of my points. I have a pretty high target of 12.  A day.  Which is an improvement on 12.  A week.
5. It syncs with the app on my phone - it's watching me all the time.  I'm afraid to take it off.  I'm afraid of a bracelet.  Since when did we let accessories rule the world??
6. It wants me to challenge myself with friends.  So, now it's reminding me that I have no friends?  Not a friendship bracelet.
7. You can't use this as a transporter****.  I have tried many times and it will not beam you up anywhere. 
8. Apparently I can wear it in the shower - now it needs to see me naked?  What next, commentary on my problem areas.  Of which there are none.  From the ankles down.

*Been dying to use that.  Wish I'd started that as thing.  I need a thing.  Cake is my thing.
**Apparently the Company was still able to be successful without me.  I did not see that coming. 
***You can thank me later, Nike. Once you've resolved these, I think the product is really going to take off.
****If you don't know this is from Star Trek, then we can't be friends.