Grand Master Meditation...

...like chess but completely different. 

I'm doing a meditation course - one week left to go and so far I have meditated for the last three weeks every day for 15 minutes. So, I think that deserves a round of applause. Maybe even a cupcake, hold the sugar. I'm just not sure I'm doing it right - I think my meditation is broken...

My teacher said last week that if you can focus for four rounds of breath, you're practically the Dalai Lama. Which I think also means you're a Jedi. Like Yoda. Yoda the Yogi. I'm not there yet.

How I meditate, this is.

You have to remember that you're not trying to think of nothing, you're trying to be present and mindful.  Which is so totally exactly how I might be doing it.

"Breathe in, did I feed the cat?  Is that the cat scratching at the door because I haven't fed him.  Oh God has he died of starvation over night?  Shit, forgot to breathe out.  Am I dying?  Cat will be fine and you're no good to him dead so remember to breathe.  Breathe in, let's get this show back on the road, start this puppy all over again.  Albert would hate a puppy.  Maybe we could discuss it.  I think he would be ok with teacup puppy.  Or eat it. I'm nailing this breathing in thing.  Not so much the breathing out which is obviously the more advanced of the two.  I'm supposed to be kind to myself for not being perfect at it so I think it's ok if I just breathe in until I'm no longer a beginner.  Breathe out.  There.  Did it.  Should I have a mantra?  I think he said it could be anything, like Taco Truck.  Good idea - that might be easier than breathing.  Taco truck, taco truck, taco - I love tacos.  I should go get one when this is over.  I wonder how many minutes that's been. I think I'm supposed to be amazed that the time has flown and I've hardly noticed.  Well, my time is going very slowly.  Is my time going backwards?  Breathe in, taco truck, breathe out, taco truck.  Hey - a full round of breath!  I also need to pay attention to my body and how it's feeling.  Let me do a quick 4 point check.  Arse - numb.  Feet - asleep.  Legs - stuck in this position.  Body - more or less upright.  Thanks to the wall.  How am I going to get up off the floor?  Breathe in, breathe out.  What if I roll to one side?  Meditation is not a graceful thing.  It's a lot like the word Mediation.  Maybe it's you mediating with yourself and your thoughts.  Did I just have a breakthrough?  I should put that on Twitter.  Oh I can't, I have to keep breathing.  I hope I don't forget to put that thing on Twitter.  I forgot it.  Breathe in, eat a taco, breathe out, eat a taco.  Meditating makes you hungry.  Breathe...wtf are they doing upstairs?  Don't they know I'm meditating?  Who's dog is that?  Breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.  This is actually pretty easy.  Just like golf.  Breathe in...bong....oh thank goodness, time's up."