The Kirsten Police Handbook

You must believe nothing but the thoughts in your head. You have not misread the situation, "at face value" can only be applied to money and the way you have translated what someone is saying is correct because you can't possibly be wrong*.

• When you receive a compliment, you must blush, deny it and respond with "I am a potato." It's important to be modest and also everyone is obviously lying when they say you look nice.
• When you look in the mirror every morning, you must agree that you look a bit chunky that day but you've made the best of a bad situation with your outfit.
• When the cat welcomes you home, it is actually because he loves you and not because he wants food. This is not the same for people.
• When at first you think you look nice in something you must remind yourself that it's a trick of the light and probably a skinny mirror. And then you will feel more comfortable.
• You're not having a bad hair day. You have bad hair.
• When people laugh at your jokes, do not think you are funny. They are just bored
• When you are commended on your attitude towards exercise, don't get ahead of yourself and try out for the Olympics. It's because they want you to continue as you are a long ways off from being fit. Also, the Javelin is never going to be "your thing".
• When you are feeling competent at work, open up Excel and create a pivot table. That ought to fix that feeling.
• You can admit that you have nice ankles but it gets a bit sketchy from there up.
• Self-deprecation.  I've mastered it.  Now there's something to be proud of.  Good job, me.

*It's possible you are wrong. Just don't admit it. Have more therapy.