Dear Fire Department,
Sorry about all of this. It was an accident. Well, not so much an accident as some unclearly thought out actions and behaviors that seemed like a good idea at the time. It started off with one room mate dragging the couch out on to the deck so he could have a few beers in the sun on a Saturday afternoon. As I'm sure you can understand, beers and sun make you tired so it makes sense that he wouldn't want to get up and use the bathroom. Why wouldn't you just sit on a plastic shopping bag in the hopes that it would absorb whatever you released? And then why wouldn't you want to refine a design flaw, upon finding yourself sitting in your own pee, by attaching an external catheter*? Those catheters can fill up pretty quick when you're just drinking beer and the release valve is quite close to your leg so you probably want to refine it even further by removing the long hose from the dryer and releasing the valve into the hose so that it can drip off the deck. Probably want to patent the design at this point.
Let's face it, at this point, everything is starting to seem like a great idea - I'm sure you can understand that. And with great ideas, comes great crowds of friends all wanting to see the design and to hold your room mate to his promise of not leaving the couch until the beer runs out. Happened sooner than you would think. So with that out of the way, he got on with some weekend chores like mowing the lawns. I mean what good is a lawn mowing business if you can't take care of your own flat on the weekends. Just get that lawn mower up on the roof and turn it on. Not a lot of grass up there but seemed worth a look. After a while, who wouldn't want to get down? I fully condoned his idea of diving off to try and hit the wooden bed that someone had dragged out on to the concrete**. And then off we went to the hospital! But not without some on the spot triage from yours truly. Duct tape has many uses and it will stop bleeding from the chin almost immediately when you wrap it around chin and head. Also, you won't be able to see the wound if you go around enough times so who really knows if the bleeding is stopped. Not your problem at that stage.
It can be quite difficult to fill out paperwork when you're intoxicated and injured from a gutter cleaning accident. Well, NZ's Accident Compensation Corporation does require you to provide the circumstances surrounding your injury and your occupation and if you've just said that your occupation is that of a gutter cleaner, stands to reason that your injuries would result from cleaning gutters.
It's possible that you might not have even paid us a visit if we had just gone home and sent our room mate to bed to rest up. Unfortunately that just didn't happen. On our return, the party was in full swing, apparently we hadn't been missed at all which is a little disconcerting since it was our house.
It's possible that in an attempt to draw attention to ourselves, we might have started a small, insignificant fire on the concrete. I don't recall if it was for a BBQ but that seems logical. At some point things got a little out of hand and a lot of stuff was thrown on the fire. A lot of our stuff since people weren't really donating their things. Just ours. Including our microwave. Have you ever seen a microwave burn? What am I talking about, you're the Fire Department, you've seen everything burn.
To be honest, before you showed up and showed us the error of our ways, I thought that riding a bike through the flames and then on down the street with flaming tires was genius. It looked like a circus act although I noticed none of you thought it was very clever. Which is a shame because people were lining up to ride through the flames, down the driveway and then off into the neighborhood.
Speaking of neighborhood, I suspect one of them called you because we didn't have any interest in dampening down the flames at that point. BTW, thanks for dampening down the flames, it was probably time. Beer can make that difficult to recognize.
Kind regards,
One of the party attendees***.
*The origin of this is uncertain but seems like something that would be lying around a student flat, even if no one was studying Nursing.
**In hindsight, removing the mattress was a poor decision although I don't think it would have helped since he bounced off the bed and hit the concrete anyway.
***Call me...
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