Ever have a conversation that gets out of hand? Below is an actual conversation that I had with a pretty senior person* at work. For some context, I was following up with him on getting a contract signed for someone in his group. Not my group, his group. When I mentioned I was being harassed by the vendor to get it signed, he apparently didn't care and then things went downhill. Or depending on your point of view - into another realm of ridiculousness for which we might both be known for...
Me: You know this conversation is ridiculous, right? We’re on the same side…
Him: I'll join another side
Me: That’s ok, I’m not really into team spirit. I’m a lone wolf.
Him: Fine. We can start a wolf pack.
Me: I don’t want you in my wolf pack. We would fight over who was alpha wolf. I run alone
Him: Agreed. I'll be the alpha.
Me: You can’t be the alpha. You’re delicate. That doesn’t exactly scream alpha
Him: Confidence is a sign of an alpha
Me: Well I don’t want to be running behind my wolf leader and worried that he’s going to slip and break his delicate ankle. I’m starting my own pack. I will be alpha and Albert will be my 2IC
Him: Sounds like the lesser wolfpack
Me: Hardly, I have two in mine. You have one. And they’re delicate. I wouldn’t even bother fighting you myself, I’d just have Albert take you out
Him: I have 100 in mine already.
Me: Imaginary wolves don’t count.
Him: I also have Hulk Hogan
Me: He’s 61. That’s a winning team you’re building. I have The Rock.
Him: I have the Jonas Brothers and Bieber
Me: You should probably take Hansen while you’re at it. And your kPop girls
Him:OHHHH… Yes, and Girls Generation
Me: You might be good at what you do but you have no clue on how to build a wolf pack. As I envision it in my mind, you are all prancing and twirling down the street as wolves but dressed in ridiculous outfits. Bieber wolf has to stop and keep pulling up his pants, Hansen can’t say anything other than “MMmbop” and the Jonas brothers keep checking themselves out. All while their alpha wolf limps along delicately and gets distracted by k-pop wolves.
Him: You just can’t accept the truth that my wolf pack is better, stronger and more musically inclined than yours.
Me: Are you scared I’ll call you out by name? I’m totally writing this as a blog post.
Him: If you do I’ll sue you for slander and liable.
Me: See – this is why you are not the leader of a wolf pack. You would take it to court whereas we should probably just fight. But maybe you’re afraid…
Him: My wolfpack will also be better funded than your wolfpack. See how you now will need to subsidize my wolfpack?
Me: Wolves don’t need funds. They just need the occasional rabbit. God, you’re horrible at this. This is a great blog post.
Him: Rabbits are delicate
Me: Which is why wolves eat them. You should probably be the leader of a rabbit pack.
Him: Sad all your pathetic wolf pack can do is throw stones at the better wolf pack.
Me: We’re not throwing stones, we’re just gobbling up your rabbit pack. Wolves can’t throw stones.
Him: My wolves can. I have better wolves.
Then I just cut him off. You can't argue with someone who doesn't make sense. As of today, I am the leader of the wolf pack.
*Who would like to be known as my BFF but I will only let him be my work BFF and honestly that's not true either.
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