What Happens When You Don't Have A Surfing Lesson...

...you have nothing to write about. While we all know I'm living the Hollywood dream, it's not all glitz and glamor. Apparently the swells were too big this past weekend for beginners, even though I like to think of myself as Intermediate* level. So, we'll have to reschedule that for another time. Made me recall an event from my childhood though - family trip to Hawaii (the home of my birth) when I was 16. A lot of boogie boarding, which naturally I also excel at**and an encounter with the bottom of the ocean. Punched me in my eye and blackened it. I am somewhat mortified to report that upon surfacing, I grabbed the board and yelled obscenities at the water while trying to hit it with the board. FYI - the water did not notice and seemed to fear me not at all. Everyone else noticed.

This post is dedicated to the person that called me up to tell me my posts were "a bit weak of late" and "we" needed to step up our game. "WE" don't write this blog, I do and all of my loyal followers now hate you. Go on, Mum, tell him how mad you are. Look, mister, it's not easy to write 5 days a week when nothing is happening in your life. Perhaps you'd like to make a donation equivalent to my day job salary and then I'll step up my game. No? Then you'll get what you're given and you'll bloody well like it.

This post could also be titled - 101 on how to write a blog post about a non-event. Pretty much like all of my posts. Can you imagine how good I was at essay writing at school? Just skirt around the topic for 4-5 paragraphs and end with confidence. Before they know it, they've given me an A+ while learning nothing from me. I'm going to add this to my resume.

• Experienced professional with skills in elaborating on things that have no bearing on anything and are of no use to anyone.

*I had a dream that I could surf and I was excellent so pretty sure that does not make me a beginner. Also I have friends that surf. That also makes me experienced.  And sometimes I have surfer hair.  Starting to rethink the need for this lesson...
**Let's just agree that I excel at everything. We'll get along a lot better.

A Day At The Beach

On Tuesday I played hooky* and went to the beach - Huntington Beach. It has some of the best surf** in SoCal and it was packed. I didn't want to get in the way so I stayed on shore. No point showing off my skills. Just makes people feel bad.

Surfers - looking an awful lot like shark fins.

So I wandered around the shops, had a beer, a burrito, made friends with the guy making flax roses and then got myself a nice red tan sitting on the beach. That tan will fade to brown in a week, shame about the shape of my necklace burnt into my skin. Still, no need for necklaces for the next couple of weeks.

This is the rose that the guy on the pier made me. He was in the army for 15 years. It was free but I gave him a pretty big tip because I'm pretty sure he can kill me 5 different ways with this rose.

Pretty nice place, this Huntington beach. A little busy and why are there so many teenage kids hanging out? If the truancy officers got bonuses for turning kids in, they'd have a field day there at the beach. Thought about faking being a truancy officer and getting the kids to pay me bribes but then my sense of right and wrong kicked in. It would be wrong to waste all my energy walking around so I sat back down.

Anyway, I've decided to build a shack under the pier, make wind chimes out of old cutlery*** and retire there. Tomorrow.

*And by hooky I mean, I scheduled a day off 3 weeks in advance. I'm very responsible but "hooky" makes me sound devil-may-care which is a new image I am working on cultivating. I have a spreadsheet listing out all the steps. So far I think I'm still coming off a little "devil-do-care" but that's because I haven't reached step 4 yet.
**I know this because there is a sign. Not because I was in the surf. 10cm waves are a little high to be going out in, methinks. Also I have started saying "methinks" to everything. Doesn't always work but methinks me sounds cool. And a bit Victorian.
***Don't want to encroach on Army guy's territory. He could easily kill me with one of my cutlery mobiles if I stole his clientele. Actually rethinking mobiles with sharp, pointy things in general. Doesn't really matter, just has to look handmade (check) and be useless (check).

Doing My Taxes

...or more accurately, not doing my taxes. You know when you sell some of your hard-won stock to pay off your student loan and you don't remember if tax was withheld because you don't really know what that means and you have a financial adviser and you think he should just fix everything? Well, that didn't happen to me, that happened to a "friend". Who looks like me. Lets call her Chelsea Handler* So now my friend, Chelsea can't seem to do her own taxes and needs an accountant. Which sounds expensive.

Chelsea has plans for that tax refund that are starting to look a lot like more of a payment than a refund. Now how will she:

• Quit her job and go to Design School for Designing Stuff
• Open that bar in Mexico
• Retire
• Pay for surfing lessons for the whole family in Hawaii - not you, Albert
• Buy more shoes.  Chelsea has a shortage of shoes**
• Buy a pony***
• Get wings tattooed all over her back 
• Save the children at the orphanage**** 
• Have a birthday party at Disneyland.

Next year I'm not going to do taxes.  Neither is Chelsea.  We're making a stand against the IRS.  Pretty sure we're going to win. 

*See previous posts. Or alternatively, start reading previous posts.
**As long as shortage means less than 200
***What?  Who doesn't want a pony.  And if you've read previous posts, you will know that I can ride very proficiently.
****Chelsea is very philanthropic.  As long as it does not interfere with shoe acquisition