Just kidding - obviously there's more*. And in case you're wondering, the benefits of dating me are that you will be dating me. I could go on but I think I've made my point.
- A daily shower. Possibly even two depending on the activity.
- Active - however, please refer to No. 1 above
- Emotionally available. Unlike me. But as long as you are aware of it, it's totally fine. Just not for them
- Tall**
- Good communication skills - I think the next logical step in our relationship is speaking.
- A sense of humor. But not better than me. Because I am always the funny one. And the beautiful one. And the smarter one. And the best at Math. But that's all***.
- Your own cat. Also, Albert already hates you.
- Your own car. And I'm going to need it to be better than mine. And then I'm going to need to drive it. You can have mine. It's got a bit of a holey exhausty thing but if you turn the stereo up, it's very easy to forget.
- No hair on top of the toes. Not looking for a Hobbit.
- Must be able to BBQ. That means, clean it, cook it, refill the gas and obviously make the side dishes that go with it. But it's ok, because you will only need to BBQ occasionally. Every day.
*If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to read yesterdays' post. Shame on you.
**Or short. Or in between. I'm not fussy.
***For right now. If we find you're better at something than me, then it probably isn't going to work.
...why Trader Joe's uses two paper bags to bag groceries? Yay for paper but no yay for double bagging, that's for women runners. Make stronger bags*.
...why businesses warn you about a $25 fee for a bounced check? If the check bounces, chances are they don't have the penalty fee. You're never getting your money. This is why you need to move into the 21st century and stop accepting checks. Except mine. You need to accept mine because I can't pay with my debit card because there's no money in my account.
...why no horses allowed? It's a park - perfect place for a horse. Just another example of the oppression of man. And horse.
...why you are here? (hoping for an answer that would stroke my ego). Oh, you came to see my suffering. Well, that wasn't it.
...why there isn't an app that will take an outfit I see someone wearing, find it, buy it and put it in my wardrobe. With matching accessories. Someone needs to get on that**.
...why camomile tea is called that when we all know its grass clippings in a bag.
...why the postage is more than the item? Got my Mum a great deal on a sweater, reduced from $24.99 to $7.49. Cost me $20 to post it. The only one making on this deal is USPS. Or sucky sendy service as I like to call them.
...what that annoying beeping sound is? Must be something outside. It'll turn off eventually. It's been 40 minutes and it's still beeping - I'm going outside to find it and give it/someone a piece of my mind. Never mind, false alarm. Was the timer I set on my stove when I put the eggs on to boil.They're done now. Also a different color. That pot isn't going to work anymore. But good that I know what it is now. Was really starting to bug me.
...why?
*Yes I know, you all want to jump on me for not bringing my own bags. Just so you know, I have about 8 in my car with very good intentions of using them. Number of times I have remembered to take them into the store: Zero.
**Just FYI - that was my idea so I'm going to need half of everything once you develop it. I think maybe there are physics involved. So, I'm just gonna be the ideas man.
Things you must not say or do to men after or during the first date:
- Do you want to get married in the Summer or Winter?
- Is that it?
- Huh. Not what I was expecting
- So it's just the 4 children then?
- I like you as much as won't freak you out
- eHarmony rejected me
- I'd like to go out on a second date but I don't like you
- Text them and declare your love immediately after the date ends. Or on a bathroom break during the date
- Post your imaginary engagement on Facebook after a successful first date
- Go home and watch TV with your cat. Because it was a better option
- Handstands
- Drug him
- Contact him in any way. Regardless of what you do, it will be wrong
- "Tell me about yourself?" "Well, I...". "You're the one!"
- I had a great time on our date, unless you didn't, in which case, neither did I
Outfits not to wear on a first date:
- Fancy Dress of any kind
- Catsuit
- Moose hat**
- Fig Leaf
- Men: Wife beater (chesty bond in Oz)
Outfits to wear on a first date:
- Pants
*I am guilty of none of these, except 1-15.
**I'm on the fence about this one. I think it depends on the person and whether you can pull it off. As I did. The key is too look slightly startled. But dignified.
...compared to cable, casinos, concerts, and circuses**. I think the best way to demonstrate this is by mathematical equation:
If
x = quality, professional entertainment at a premium price and y = me: cheap, unsophisticated, requiring only a few clicks entertainment then z = well, you can
clearly see below.
For those who don't have quite the mathematical brain that I do, I can break it down a little more:
-
Two trains 150 miles apart travel toward each other along the same
track, the first train at 60 mph, the second at 90 mph. If I am cheaper
than traveling by train to an exciting destination, which train will
arrive first? Answer: Neither because they will eventually smack into
each other in a fiery inferno and we can only hope that the passengers were able
to read my blog post for that day and get their cheap entertainment in
before dying in an expensive deathly way.
- Al's
father is 45. He is 15 years older than twice Al's age. How old is Al?
Karen is twice as old as Lori. Three years from now, the sum of their
ages will be 42. How old is Karen? Answer: This is easy - Al's father is
clearly 1012*** and dead so he has no need for cheap entertainment but
he was a bit of a tightwad while he was alive so he would have loved me.
Karen is a stripper who gets more one dollar bills than I earn on my
blog so she is disqualified. No one cares about Lori because she is Al's imaginary friend and quite frankly he's too old for one of those. Also an imaginary friend is cheaper than me so according to algebraic law we are left with cosine exponential square root of pi. That is all. Math is so easily explained.
- Neville
has 11 more nickels than quarters from his job as a DJ. How many coins does he have if the
total value of his coins is $2.65? Answer: More than I have earned on my
blog, ergo, I am cheaper entertainment than Neville the DJ.
*Many
thanks to my friend Schmon Smuart (not his real name - obviously), for
pointing out that I am the best cheap entertainment he has and
suggesting I write about it. Not the first time I have been called cheap
entertainment but I choose to take that as a compliment as it's a step up from free entertainment.
**I don't
know if anyone goes to circuses because they're naughty if they have
animals but it was working with my alliteration and the only other thing
I could think of was concubines and I wasn't really sure if they were
in fact expensive.
***To be honest, I used a calculator, otherwise I would never have gotten this right
You know what I dislike about races and fun runs? Running. Also, the disappointment and lack of body control. You get your bib, timing chip, pick out the perfect outfit*, train on a regular basis** and the big day finally arrives. You show up, mingle with your people***, do some of those fancy stretches and line up at the start.
The gun goes, you take off and immediately start hyperventilating from the nerves. Your legs are going off in different directions, none of which is forward and you can't catch your breath despite the weeks of training.*** Then all of a sudden, you're being carted off two minutes out of the starting line to receive oxygen. Not because you're unfit but because you're nervous about a race that at best you would just finish. You're not in line for any medals, you don't even have a best time to beat, your biggest achievement was pinning the bib to your shirt correctly.
And now you're in the ambulance area and your race is over. Good job.
*Some people pick out their outfit for optimum running conditions. Which is fine but I prefer to select it based on how good I look in it in case there are photos opportunities along the way.
**Or not.
***Not really your people because they run regularly but it's important to talk the talk and walk the walk. Well, run the run but never let them know you're not really one of them. Try discussing pb's and glucose drinks. Which sounds like a delicious snack but is not...
****Not me, I like to show up on the day and see how it goes.
So I monetized my blog - let Google Ad Sense put some ads up. I mean they asked nicely and seemed pretty desperate so I didn't like to say no. Some of you have been kind enough to click on them which I'm pretty sure generates revenue for me but also, I don't know.
Just in case it does, I've come up with a way to cheat the system.** Just going to leave my laptop open at home all day and every ten minutes Albert is trained to click on any ads. Going pretty well so far. Except for the part where he clicks on the ads. Which is strange because we went through a comprehensive training program. I pressed his paw down on the key, he got a treat and repeat. There were some lapses where he just lay on top of the keyboard but I figured something was bound to get pushed the more he lounged there.
I might have to come up with Plan B - which is paying someone to push the button in lieu of Albert doing it. I'm still working on the math of this, just having some trouble with currency and decimal points.
But I know you're all dying to know how much I made - I just checked the account and buggered if I can understand it. I think they're saying estimated earnings so far of $2.10 but then also they mention $7.85. So, my logic tells me it's one of those two. My pessimism tells me it's the lower of the two***. I did the math and by my calculations, which we all know are completely accurate, it takes 20 million clicks to earn a dollar. So I am clearly very popular. Thank goodness I have 20 million friends. Please keep it up. Maybe one day, I'll have enough money to buy Albert a new eye.
*Is to a word.
**Hi Google - please stop reading for a minute.
***$7.85. I am a mathematical genius.Who wants me to be their accountant?
