Do You Know What Love Is?

Love is picking up your cat, tipping him upside down, listening to him purr and watching him pump his little legs like he's riding a bike because the act of you holding him is ecstasy.

Love is having him lick the salt off your face when you've been crying*, then watching him go pfft, pfft with his tongue, trying to spit the taste out because he accidentally got some of your expensive moisturizing lotion. But still coming back for more.

Love is having him sit as close as possible to you without caring about whether you've put on weight, instead embracing the fact that there is more lap to go around.

Love is him waking up the instant you use the "come here' voice, making a beeline for you and being thrilled that you called. No complaints about being disturbed and ordered to do something. Just huge excitement.

Love is him turning around 1000 times on my lap before getting comfortable because he thinks he's in it for the long haul and wants to get his spot just right.

Love is having him look adoringly at my face regardless of wrinkles or age**.

Love is your cat sprinting to meet you the instant you open the door but playing it cool on alternate days so you don't get a fat head or over estimate your importance.

Love is being welcomed home by your cat after leaving them for a week while you went on vacation. With no recriminations. And not even complaining when they accidentally got stowed away with the luggage after the unpacking***.

Love is having him help with the laundry by lying all over it. But only when it's clean****.

Love is being greeted the instant you step out of the shower by winding around your legs until they are covered in black hairs. Actually this isn't love, this is just annoying.

Love is hiding under the couch when a burglar comes but hissing and lunging at small children that visit. Wait. Not love. This is erratic, unexplainable behavior.

Love is ignoring the cat lady jokes that are sure to follow...and by love I mean, I will not scratch***** anyone's eyes out for making such comments, because the new me loves everyone.  Mostly.  Except for some of you.

*Not me because I don't cry. I'm too brave. And crying is for girls.
**He has poor eyesight. Also, only one eye. So doesn't really have a leg to stand on when it comes to criticism. And just to be clear, he has all his legs. I'm only responsible for the eye.
***Not really my fault - he climbed in when I wasn't looking and I got him out as soon as I heard the crying from the closet. Possibly, he was making a point. At the wrong end of the journey.
****The fact that I didn't yell (Much. For very long) at him shows I love him. This is a reverse love example.
*****Pun intended 

Patience. And Dating

1. You must patiently wait for him never to call.
2. You must patiently wait for him not to show up to your date.
3. You must repeat 1 and 2 many, many times.
4. You must patiently wait for it to be your turn*
5. You must patiently wait for him to notice you.  And then you must pretend not to see him.
6. You must patiently wait for someone to buy you a drink.  And then you will get your own because you are very thirsty.
7. You must patiently wait for him to realize that he is in love with you.  Even though you knew it when you first met.
8. You must patiently wait for love to come to you**
9. You must patiently wait for him to have the really great idea that you told him about last week.
10. You must patiently wait for a compliment.  And be satisfied with "Your arse doesn't look as big in that dress as the other one."
11. You must patiently wait for diamonds. But first you will get a lot of other shit that is not diamonds.  
12.  You must patiently wait for the right one.  However, if he doesn't come along or he's too stupid to know that he is the right one, any old one will do.

*It's never going to be your turn. But, good job waiting. 
**Sometimes love looks like cake.

Offences That Have Been Committed Against Me since 2013

• So, this morning when I went out to my car - this was on it.

Now, granted, it was parked between an Audi and a BMW but still...it's only ten years old and with a bit of tender loving care*, it could look ok.  Just needs a wash, a hole in the exhaust fixed and the bumper repainted (I might stretch to the wash...).  But, I really think the problem and the reason they left this was the car mats.  They need to be replaced.

• Last night, I was making dinner and Albert sneaked up behind me and sat down.  Like right behind me.  And then I accidentally stepped on him.  And he squawked.  And made me feel bad.  This was wrong of him.
• AT&T Technical Support made me lose my temper countless times and last night (after stepping on my cat), I threatened to leave them. They seem to be okay with this.  I'm going to need a Plan B. In the meantime, I have filed a grievance against them and issued a summons which I have placed on my cable box.  That'll learn them.
• I exercised and a pilates spring pinged me. And it hurt.  And that's why people quit pilates.  And exercise.
• I left instructions for my house cleaner to put away my bowl of Xmas decorations.  And she didn't.  Also, I don't have a house cleaner
• This guy asked for my number last week and he hasn't called me. I have unfriended him from my mind and he is banned.  Also, I don't remember what his name is so I am calling him "dumb security guy".  If I was calling him. Which I am not because I'm not talking to him.
• There will probably be more but it's early days.  2014 has not started well.

*I gave it a "pat pat" and words of encouragement and it's a whole new car. Well, not whole.  And not new.  But a much more positive outlook.

Things Not To Do On A Cruise Ship

1. Get on.  Especially if you see children. Just get off. Immediately. And take all the adults with you.  Let that boat sail off with just children on board.  You'll thank me later.
2. Buy the pre-paid drinks package. When you do the math*, you will realize that you just need to drink 7 drinks every night to make it worth your while. You will worry about the 15 drink maximum being a little low until after the first night when you realize you made it to 3.
3. Make conversation with the nice old guy at the bar next to you. You will then spend the next six days dodging him.  Even though he has a pool in the OC and you are allowed to use it any time.
4. Gamble. Except if you are me and you win $450 after one button push. I am so good at gambling.  I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Gambling is easy.
5. Gamble. If you are me and you don't know how to play Blackjack because there are a lot of mathematical equations. And people are very impatient and will not wait for you to get out your calculator. And counting cards is not as easy as it's cracked up to be**. 
6. Swim in the kids pool.  In the kids pool, there is water, children...and other stuff.
7. Drugs.  The fact that I had to put that on the list says something.
8. Be late back to the ship after being in port all day.  And definitely don't try and smuggle tequila on board. And definitely don't say that you're late back because you were trying to smuggle tequila on board.
9. Follow the sexy guitar player around and make friends with his family.  Pretty safe to say I am on their Xmas card list.  But banned from being within 25ft of him.  Which is fine because he can still hear me and see me waving.  And stuff.
10. Wait until your friend is in the bathroom before you decide you have to vomit.  Because then you have two options - (a) do it over the side, which does not lead to the ocean below. Just the next deck.  And the life boats. Or (b) use the trash can.  Lets just say - a little of column a and a little of column b.
11. Take all your bags to the lifeboat drill.  Apparently, if there is an accident and you have to leave the ship, you cannot bring your bags with you.  Not even your carry-on.  Which is unreasonable because that has my hair straightener and I need that. 
12. The old guy that looks like he was the drummer for Steppenwolf***. 
13. Try and go to the front of the line.  There are very strict rules about standing in line and line etiquette and whatever you do, don't try and save a sun-lounger for your friend who just went to the bathroom.  Cruise-goers are professionals at muttering under and over their breath.  Also they will throw you overboard if they don't get their way
14. Sing along with the Piano Bar player.  You might know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but that doesn't mean you should sing them in public.  You also will think you know the words to La Bamba until you actually try and sing it in public.  "Blah, blah, blah blah La Bamba...something, something soy marinero...yada yada, bam bam bamba..."
15. Win at the casino. Let me tell you, when you lose, you will get chocolate covered strawberries, cookies and wine.  You win.  Nothing.  Well, the money you won but definitely no thanks for playing.

*Don't panic, someone else actually did the math.  When I did it, I had us coming out with a profit and bonuses.
**Also, I don't know what to count - the actual cards, the numbers on the cards, the people at the table, the drinks I am not drinking? 
***Also, he will take your hands and twirl you around.  And then your hands will smell like old man and you will have to hold them at a distance until you can scrub old man smell off them.  And people will wonder why you are strange

Things I heard While Out Walking Yesterday

1. A mother trying to get her teenage son to smile for a photo. Her mistake was removing the classic yet proven "cheese" and replacing it with "bathroom sex!" To her surprise, this had the opposite effect. He most certainly was not planning on going home with them and had a nice line in evasion until he got caught by his Dad and they had a discussion. Not that I was following them. For very long.
2. My dog loves Crate and Barrel. In my opinion, her dog was somewhat indifferent to Crate and Barrel. Also, I don't think he had a very good eye for design.
3. But, I don't want to. I don't either.
4. My balloon popped. An initial look of surprise, what the hell just happened and then screaming and crying. You're right. I shouldn't have popped it. It's not up to me to teach life lessons. But life is fleeting. And so are balloons. Which was not actually the lesson I was going for - more, hold your balloon closer to you otherwise it will get popped.
5. What is this called? Sushi? What is that? It's rolled-up rice.  I wanted to go everywhere with these people.  It was like they were newborns.  They weren't from here...

Last Resolution For The Year

I'm going to try and write regularly this year - Monday to Friday.

1. I'm very sorry for the day I missed on Tuesday.
2. I'll try to be better.
3. 1 and 2 are lies.
4. You can bugger off.*

*That was rude.  I would apologize but that's not one of my resolutions.  So...

New Year's Resolutions

I used to make all the big New Year resolutions like...

1. Exercise more
2. Lose weight
3. Save the world
4. Save the whales
5. Learn brain surgery

And then when I realized I couldn't stick to them for more than a couple of days or it wasn't working, I knocked the pressure down a notch and went to...

1. Floss every day
2. Wash makeup off before going to bed
3. Regular car maintenance*
4. Curse at other drivers, just a little bit less.** 

This year, I have resolved to do the following and since I'm putting it out here, I will now have to do them***:

1. Take a Math class****
2. Learn Spanish - really more of a brushing up on my skills since I am fluent. In hello.
3. Brush Albert daily.  Even writing this, I am bored already. Will just leave brush lying around with manual and see if he does it himself.  Technically cats should do their own grooming. Feel he might be a little spoiled.
4. Stop scraping hub caps against curb when parallel parking.  Hardly ever happens...
5. Buy self more gifts.  You should always have a selfless resolution where you give to others.  
   

2013 Successes of Note

1. Albert has finally started using his cat bed. While I wanted him to do this for some time, I have now realized, I have to clean his fur from it. Thinking it's time he went back to cold, hard, wooden floor. Any other parents out there experiencing thoughts like this with their babies and cots?
2. That is all.  It was a lean year.

*This is actually not possible.
**Work in progress - it's ok to start this one over every day
***Actually not true.  I am fickle and I don't care what you think of me for failing.  Also, I will lie about it. 
****Not actually necessary because I am brilliant at math but lately I have started to wonder if there is some new stuff that was discovered that I don't yet know how to do.  Like  addition and percentages.