Things That Are Like Crack Cocaine

• Dates*. Dates are delicious. I never knew. I've wasted half my life not knowing about dates. I blame my parents for my lack of date education. Dates from the freezer are like crack cocaine**. If I knew what crack cocaine was like. It sounds very different to dates. Also I think dates are hard to inject. Because of the pits. 

*Just so we're clear about what kind of dates we're talking about. 

*Not this kind of date.  This is not delicious, although it does appear to be going quite well.  Hopefully it's not a first date - you shouldn't hold hands on a first date, he will think you are a whore...This looks nothing like my first dates.  Very little hand holding and cups of tea.  However, if you were to bring me some dates, I might hold your hand.

• Cake. Obviously
• Instant Noodles. It's one of life's great disappointments to me to find out how bad these things are for you.
• I'm trying to think of things that are not food. It's not easy but I got one. 80's rock music. Who's with me?
• Marshmallow Creme - sorry back to food. I think you're supposed to buy this for baking things, but I've never managed to get it from the jar to the mixing bowl. It always accidentally falls in my mouth.
• The ocean. And not just because of cold beers and tacos waiting for me when I get out. I'm going to retire into the ocean.
• Exercise***
• Car Washes - I love riding through them, I love that I don't have to do it and I love how my car looks afterwards. I would love it even more if my car looked like a BMW but there are limits.
• Shopping. For shoes. And purses. But that's all. Except for clothes. And accessories. Nothing else though. Maybe a little bit of cars.

**I don't know how one orders crack cocaine - I don't even know what it looks like or what you then do with it once you've bought it.  I am useless.
***Not really.  Although one time I got a runner's high out jogging but I also had a cupcake just prior so it's open for debate as to what really caused it.

Public Holiday's Around the World...Today

Today is Martin Luther King Day here in the States. Which is important for many reasons as we all know. Also, since I want to treat all my readers equally, I am celebrating that it is Wellington Anniversary Day in New Zealand, for my 2 followers in Azerbaijan, happy "Martyr's Day" also known as "Day of National Mourning"*. For those readers in Idaho - enjoy "Idaho Human Right's Day".** And in Mali, let's raise a hand for Armed Forces Day and Baptism of the Prophet***. Finally, three cheers for Tuesday in Australia.

Since this is a public holiday today, technically I should have a day off from writing but I am pushing on through, even though it means I will have to walk 5 miles in the snow without shoes and a heavy pack of stones on my back.****

*Unsure if one should wish this to be "happy". Possibly one should wish for "sorry people sacrificed themselves and are now martyrs"?
**Let's hope they extend the same courtesy to the potato.
***It's a 2 for 1 day in Mali. They have a lot of public holidays so they're doubling up with the ones that just seem to go together...
****No martyrs here. No snow either but walking in sunshine makes it difficult to sound like a hardship. Also...Walking in Sunshine is a joyful song...

Hiking..with children

My friend has recently started hiking with her almost 3 year old. Which is going really well except for the part where he doesn't hike. More carrying, less hiking. He also isn't very good about holding on so on top of the toll it's taking on her back, her arms are also sore from making sure he doesn't fall off. I don't want to cast aspersions, but I don't think this kid is ever going to be as good as me at riding a mechanical bull. You have to grip with your thighs.

For an almost three year old, he's a pretty tall kid - about three Alberts stacked on top of each other high. Not sure compared to Albert when he's rearing up (I think that's horses but I don't know the cat word) because we've had some tape measuring difficulties. He also weighs a little under 4 Alberts* so she's getting a pretty good work-out in.

Anyway, I've been trying to help solve the problem of the arm and back ache - just so you know, leaving him in the car was not even considered by her**. I offered bungy cords, which weren't even given a test run, an old back pack with leg and arm holes cut out*** and a suggestion to try balancing him on top of her head - an old Ghanian practice, except with baskets not children.

Last resort - she's going to try the African wrap way of carrying your child. Apparently, you can carry your child until he's 18 and ready to leave the home****. Since I am a very helpful friend, I demonstrated this for her with Albert. I think this is going to work really well.

I didn't have an African wrap so I used a fluffy scarf that my Mum knitted.  It also looked nice with Albert's coloring.

Here you see him admiring it.

Here you see him resigned to his fate.  I have a very tolerant cat.  As regards results, turns out a stretchy scarf is not the thing.  I took one step and Albert unfurled.  Luckily he is a cat and landed on his feet. Unluckily for me, I tried to catch him and he reached for me.  With his claws.  I was able to staunch the bleeding with my African wrap fluffy scarf child holder.

*In case you're wondering, Albert has kept his figure over the years and consistently weighs a trim 11lbs.
**FYI Social Services people
***In case you're trying to steal this idea, it apparently has already been invented.
****Also, I might have made this up.

Interpretation

This post is in honor of the lovely Tales....

Albert says...awkward.  I'll just pretend she's not there taking my picture...

Albert is deeply hurt by your callous comments. He has assumed the fetal position

Albert says...can I have a little privacy please?  I'm on my stoop.  Also, I hope your head gets stuck in the cat flap door*.  That will teach you to try and take stealthy photos.  I see you. 

Albert says...I only sleep in here when she's not looking.

Albert says...I fit here. Real good.  Also.  I made all the dirty footprints below and I'm never cleaning them up

Albert says...no thanks, just looking.

Albert says...why, yes that is my fur all over the protective sheet and if you look underneath the protective sheet, you'll find I put some there as well.

Albert wants you to have a safe flight.  And hopes you get a window seat.

Albert says...I didn't do it.  I know I look guilty but that's just cos I only have one eye.  Do you remember when I had two eyes?  Now, who looks guilty?

Albert says...these are my feets!

Albert says...look at me, I'm reclining.  Take my picture!

Albert says...this arm belongs to me.  You can tell because I have clamped it to me with my claws.  In a loving gesture.

Albert wants to wish you a happy new year.

Albert says...this is not me, this is Gus.  Gus is deeply embarrassed at being caught in a compromising position.  They're not dating, it's just casual.

Albert says...you have my undivided attention.  I am focused, my chakra's are aligned and I am only a little bit asleep

Gus says...I am playing with Lego. 

Gus says...can you see my problem area?

*FYI - head did get stuck in cat flap.  On reflection, the better option would have been to extend arm out through flap.  Head was pushing it....

This Week's Life Plan...

I've come up with a new life plan. I do this pretty regularly but I don't tell everyone about it because I'm too busy discussing things like fitted sheets which are more important. But this is a pretty good one. I'm going to put all my stuff in storage and run away to Mexico where I will buy a bar* and watch someone else run it.

I will have my own sun lounger and my waiters will bring me drinks and guacamole all day long. I will not exercise or eat right and I will need a beach buggy for those days when I drink too much to walk**. Yoga will be me climbing in and out of my sun lounger - this sounds simple but after a lot of beer and tequila, it has to be approached carefully.  Getting in should be no problem but will have to deploy the rear exit method to get out.  Let's call it downward dog.  And hope for the best.

I'll be taking one bag and Albert. My friend is picking me up and she has one bag and a Chihuahua mix. According to her, he will have no issues crossing the border because he is already half-Mexican. So now I have to change Albert's middle name (Nigel) to Juan. I will hereafter be known as Juanita. Mother of Albert Juan. Finlayson.

My friend wants to go halves*** on the bar so she bought a couple of lottery tickets. Safe to say this plan is a go.  Just waiting on the curb for my friend to pick me up

This photo is not quite how I envisioned it as I wanted a graphic depiction of what is going to happen but (a) homeless guy was not available to take picture outside (b) Albert refused to go outside. Also this is not actually my bag but since we're conceptually visualizing this, let's just go ahead and pretend I have a Burberry.  In case you didn't notice, I used my graphic design skills to seamlessly blend the photos together.

We think we will stay until we run out of money, then come back and sell something.  I have a kidney, possibly some fertile eggs, bone marrow and blood. She has a house.

*I will be buying this with no money.
**However I am not condoning drinking and beach buggying. 
***Technically not halves since I am not using money since I have none and even my math skills know that when you buy a bar with nothing and you go halves on nothing with someone, you will end up with $2.3 million.

Things That Are A Mystery...To Me

1. Fitted sheets. Now, granted I would rather have fitted sheets when I'm sleeping than regular ones that come with me whenever I turn over, but when they're off the bed, I don't want to know them. I know I can YouTube a video on how to fold them properly but let's be honest, it's a lot quicker to roll them in a ball and hide them in your linen cupboard until you need them.
2. Putting the duvet inner into the duvet cover. I can do a Single but give me Queen and above and there will be tears. I have to physically climb into the cover holding the ends of the inner, stretching out flat so I reach both ends and then backing out carefully*.
3. Dry cleaners. I cannot for the life of me figure out how they can push a button and all those garments on the conveyor belts rotate around until my clothes stop right in front of me. It's magic.  I think there is a lot of science involved in this part.  Physics possibly.
4. Eggs.  Eggs are very complicated.  Except hard boiled eggs. I get those right every time. 
5. Tamales.  I think what goes into them is a bit dodgy.  I can't seem to identify the insides.
6. CD players that can have more than one CD loaded into them at a time**.  This one time, I had a car*** and I would put a CD into the player and it would eat it up.  So I would put another one in and then after a while, I had no more CD's left.  And I would get in and a different band would be playing than when I got out and it was very confusing.  Until someone pointed out that I had a 6CD player.  I still don't know how to get them out but will use that as a selling point when it's time to let the car go. "2003 Mazda 6S (S for Sport) - comes with alternative paint job on rear bumper, cool boy-racer exhaust/muffler**** sound and 6 CDs".
7. Taxes. And why I have to pay them.  Every year I do mine with Turbo Tax and my eyes closed.  You win some, you lose some.
8. Time Zones.  Today, it is tomorrow and several hours ahead somewhere. Unless it is yesterday and several hours behind some other place.  Try explaining that to a small child and not looking crazy.  Or a cat.
9. The Lottery. How come I never win?  Seems a very unfair system.
10. Sewing. Why get an expensive machine when staples and tape will do the same job.

*I'm pretty sure there is going to be a bunch of you that will give me most excellent tips on how to do 1 and 2. Don't. I've got a system now. It's not perfect and sometimes there is cursing and open wounds but if you come and stay, it will look perfect. Just don't touch anything or look underneath.
**I realize this is now a bit obsolete but it's a step up from the CD player in the trunk/boot so I think I'm still relevant...
***I still have this car.  If you want to buy it, I am selling it for a lot of money.  It's totally worth it. 
****And smell.  Think these two pieces of the car might be the same?

What Happened Yesterday

Very little. There was an accident that resulted in my not getting out of bed until 5pm. It was fantastic. You know why I can do that? Because I have no responsibilities - no kids, no partner, no chores* demanding my attention. For a short period of time there was a cat howling outside the door demanding attention but I just turned over. I knew he'd be there when I got up. Sure enough, open the door, he fell right in. There's a lesson right there. Don't sleep hard up against a door - at some point it will be opened and you will look stupid.

After getting up, I made myself some breakfast. At 5pm. Because I can. Did a couple of handstands. I'm on a mission but that's another post. Then made my way to the couch where it was time to kick back and relax a little. Turned on the Golden Globes, criticized all the dresses, did my own version of the cut-off music by clapping when I'd had enough of the speeches.

Thought about showering but am in the process of saving the planet so...you're welcome.  Cut to the end of the day, which comes around all too quickly when you get up at 5pm, and I realize not being productive, wallowing in your own filth and just not caring about what people think, leads to a most excellent day.  Let's do this again.  Tomorrow.  At work.

*Well I had chores but I resolved to sleep in my own filth for one more day, not vacuum for one more day, just eat whatever was in the fridge that was passable and wear all the clothes that I'd already gotten out and put on the floor.  For easy access.