Saturday, September 14, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Words of Wisdom and Other Stuff I Made Up
A Poem I wrote*:
String is a very important thing
Rope is thicker but string is quicker
* A lie.
A Beauty Tip:
If you have fat ankles, there is nothing I can do for you.
Building Confidence:
Sometimes you just have to give yourself a compliment. "Damn, self, you got nice eyes"
Dating Tip:
You can't make someone love you, you can only stalk them and hope for the best. Also, it's not really stalking if you're just waiting for them to realize how perfect you are together.
Exercise Reality:
I'm not coming into work today because I did squats yesterday
How to Make up with Someone:
I'm sorry we fought, I hate it when you're wrong
Fact:
Even though you have all tile and wood floors - the cat will throw up on the bath mat.
Dietary Advice:
Instead of milk with my tea, I use wine and then also instead of my tea, I use wine
Shopping Fact:
When you go to Target, you will spend a lot of money on things you didn't know you needed.And you will regret it once you get home but you will be too lazy to take anything back. You should start a "Things I Bought At Target" closet.
Safety Tip:
Always make sure the elevator is there before stepping in
Advice:
Don't do it. I did it and now I'm very, very sorry.
Fact:
4 out of 3 people struggle with Mathematics
String is a very important thing
Rope is thicker but string is quicker
* A lie.
A Beauty Tip:
If you have fat ankles, there is nothing I can do for you.
Building Confidence:
Sometimes you just have to give yourself a compliment. "Damn, self, you got nice eyes"
Dating Tip:
You can't make someone love you, you can only stalk them and hope for the best. Also, it's not really stalking if you're just waiting for them to realize how perfect you are together.
Exercise Reality:
I'm not coming into work today because I did squats yesterday
How to Make up with Someone:
I'm sorry we fought, I hate it when you're wrong
Fact:
Even though you have all tile and wood floors - the cat will throw up on the bath mat.
Dietary Advice:
Instead of milk with my tea, I use wine and then also instead of my tea, I use wine
Shopping Fact:
When you go to Target, you will spend a lot of money on things you didn't know you needed.And you will regret it once you get home but you will be too lazy to take anything back. You should start a "Things I Bought At Target" closet.
Safety Tip:
Always make sure the elevator is there before stepping in
Advice:
Don't do it. I did it and now I'm very, very sorry.
Fact:
4 out of 3 people struggle with Mathematics
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Beauty Tips for Hands
I invented something last night. It was pretty easy. I don't know why people make such a fuss about Einstein and the like, I just sat down and thought of it. Reminds me of the first time I played golf - don't know why people think Tiger's so great, it was easy. Take your stick out, hit a ball and get as many points as you can. I can get 100 points on 9 holes, no problem.
So here it is - for those of you that are getting a bit long in the tooth, a bit mutton dressed as lamb, a bit past your best, I have a useful beauty tip for your hands. As you age, your hands start to get more wrinkled and even though your face may look young, your hands can be a dead giveaway that quite frankly, you're old.
Luckily I have an easy solution that requires no purchase of expensive creams, no hand exercise machines, no hand make-up and no painful surgery. Simply curl your hand into a claw-like shape and watch the skin grow taught, eliminating all wrinkles. Continue to hold it like that forever.
Obviously there will be times when you forget but eventually you will adapt and be able to perform all your daily tasks with a claw-hand. Rest-assured no one will suspect your real age now. I cannot however, do anything for your ugly old face...although who knows what next great idea will drop into my head. I'm very well-educated on stuff I make up.
Update: Have just looked up claw-hand and found that it's also known as "Spinster's Claw" which is not at all where I wanted this to go. Disregard the above.
*No hand models were hurt in the filming of this segment. They weren't paid either.
So here it is - for those of you that are getting a bit long in the tooth, a bit mutton dressed as lamb, a bit past your best, I have a useful beauty tip for your hands. As you age, your hands start to get more wrinkled and even though your face may look young, your hands can be a dead giveaway that quite frankly, you're old.
Luckily I have an easy solution that requires no purchase of expensive creams, no hand exercise machines, no hand make-up and no painful surgery. Simply curl your hand into a claw-like shape and watch the skin grow taught, eliminating all wrinkles. Continue to hold it like that forever.
Obviously there will be times when you forget but eventually you will adapt and be able to perform all your daily tasks with a claw-hand. Rest-assured no one will suspect your real age now. I cannot however, do anything for your ugly old face...although who knows what next great idea will drop into my head. I'm very well-educated on stuff I make up.
 |
| Note the difference as you browse through your library - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Hand approve of the claw-hand. Also Harry Potter and Half-Blood Hand. I can go on... |
 |
| Cooking now looks more elegant and the claw-hand* provides excellent grippage which is most definitely a word. Side note: A lot of people cry when they are cutting and cooking onions. The trick is to not form an emotional bond. |
 |
| Typing with an old wrinkled hand is so unappealing to your co-workers. Why not be productive and attractive? |
As you can see typing with a claw-hand allows for an excellent command of the keyboard, with minimal errors and lovely line to the hand
 |
| Wrap your claw-hand around your fork and enjoy your meal knowing your hands look youthful |
 |
| Watch how the cat recoils at the touch of the old, wrinkled hand |
See how the cat thrives under the touch of the claw-hand
Update: Have just looked up claw-hand and found that it's also known as "Spinster's Claw" which is not at all where I wanted this to go. Disregard the above.
*No hand models were hurt in the filming of this segment. They weren't paid either.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Treatment for TB
So, earlier today when I was at home, working from home. I went to the supermarket. Something went wrong with the traffic light pattern that I had memorized and I stepped out into the road at the same time as a car. No one was hurt but there was a lot of screeching and cursing. And he was mad too. He said some not very nice insulting things and it hurt my arm. My arm is very sensitive these days. I think it's the tuberculosis. It was 100% someone's fault.
The Doctor* gave me a course of treatment for my arm which I followed to the letter.
*Also, I am calling myself The Doctor now.
The Doctor* gave me a course of treatment for my arm which I followed to the letter.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Blog Stats Update
I woke up with a little bit of cholera this morning but I'm doing OK. This self-diagnosing on the internet is saving me a lot of doctor's fees.
Blog Earnings Update: Promise of 90c Fijian from my aunts*. Total of $1Canadian, $1NZ, $0.90c Fijian. Received: $0
*However since we are related, I feel like this is pity money and I have my pride. I'll take it. We are working on making the transaction happen - it's so amazing with all the technology in the world today, how easy it is to transfer money without ever leaving the house. Right now the plan is for them to put the coin in an envelope and post it to me.
Blog Asset Update: One Custom Cat Ramp, 2 Blinds in a box on the floor
Blog Health Update: Arm Tuberculosis with a bit of Cholera. As yet unconfirmed - Rabies. Partial lip removal
Blog Buy/Sell Update:
Sold - one bike, storage containers and a leaking pool.
Bought - I can't say as I'm supposed to be saving my money.
Yet to Sell - one desk. Excellent condition, excellent price**
** Not true.
Blog "Shrimp on the Barbie" Update: 4 requests to throw aforementioned shrimp on the barbie
Difficult Things To Do That Have Been Mastered Update: None.
Blog Friends I have Made Update: One***
***To be confirmed
Blog Level of Fame Attained Update: Level Mum.
Blog Demographic Update: The Google Stats are showing a strong presence in Alaska. Where I know nobody. I'm like "The Hoff" in Germany. But with pants.
Blog Earnings Update: Promise of 90c Fijian from my aunts*. Total of $1Canadian, $1NZ, $0.90c Fijian. Received: $0
*However since we are related, I feel like this is pity money and I have my pride. I'll take it. We are working on making the transaction happen - it's so amazing with all the technology in the world today, how easy it is to transfer money without ever leaving the house. Right now the plan is for them to put the coin in an envelope and post it to me.
Blog Asset Update: One Custom Cat Ramp, 2 Blinds in a box on the floor
Blog Health Update: Arm Tuberculosis with a bit of Cholera. As yet unconfirmed - Rabies. Partial lip removal
Blog Buy/Sell Update:
Sold - one bike, storage containers and a leaking pool.
Bought - I can't say as I'm supposed to be saving my money.
Yet to Sell - one desk. Excellent condition, excellent price**
** Not true.
Blog "Shrimp on the Barbie" Update: 4 requests to throw aforementioned shrimp on the barbie
Difficult Things To Do That Have Been Mastered Update: None.
Blog Friends I have Made Update: One***
***To be confirmed
Blog Level of Fame Attained Update: Level Mum.
Blog Demographic Update: The Google Stats are showing a strong presence in Alaska. Where I know nobody. I'm like "The Hoff" in Germany. But with pants.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Self-Diagnosis
Dear Fan,
Sorry I didn't post anything over the weekend. I've got a problem with my arm - pain in the upper arm and wrist when I type or use the computer mouse. Luckily, I was able to save some money by using the Internet to diagnose my issue. Turns out I have Arm Tuberculosis. I think the arm can be saved but it was touch and go for a while. I might have to leave work. That seems to be hurting it the most. Chocolate is helping when applied directly to my mouth. Please send some. I'm typing this with my nose.
Anyway, talk to you soon, Mum.
kxx
Sorry I didn't post anything over the weekend. I've got a problem with my arm - pain in the upper arm and wrist when I type or use the computer mouse. Luckily, I was able to save some money by using the Internet to diagnose my issue. Turns out I have Arm Tuberculosis. I think the arm can be saved but it was touch and go for a while. I might have to leave work. That seems to be hurting it the most. Chocolate is helping when applied directly to my mouth. Please send some. I'm typing this with my nose.
Anyway, talk to you soon, Mum.
kxx
Friday, September 6, 2013
An Open Letter to Craig's List Buyers Cont...
Dear Craig’s List Storage Container Buyer,
I’m so glad you stopped to get your car detailed on the way over to pick up the storage containers. It certainly was worth waiting the extra 2 hours to see how your car gleamed. Perhaps I might make a recommendation? If you are going to get your car detailed - you should get a better car. This might seem a bit rich coming from someone with a Mazda with an oops on the bumper* and a hole in the exhaust manifold but I know enough not to waste $50 and if you turn the stereo up loud, you can hardly hear the sweet roar of the car.
Thank you for paying me $35 in rolls of quarters and dimes because you didn’t want to spend $3 at the bank to get it converted. Allow me to go ahead and do that for you. I don’t even want to know why you have rolls of quarters laying around your house. I assume you’re not supposed to “make it rain” with quarters and dimes which leads me to the obvious conclusion that you’re gun running with the Irish.
*Not really my fault. Only a little bit.
Regards,
Elizabeth** (**Not my real name, I want no part of your hired assassin business, Mr O'Murphy-Kelly)
Dear Craig's List Hair Dryer & Straightener Buyer,
If it's listed under the "For Sale section on Craig's List with a price next to it, it means it is For Sale, not Free. So, don't be acting all surprised that I want to charge for it. And when I send you the brand names and makes as well as the requested photo because the one on Craig's List apparently wasn't detailed enough for you to see that it was a regular hair dryer and straightener, even though I sent you the exact same photo, please don't act all surprised again, that I want money for them.
And when we schedule a time to meet so we can complete the transaction and you can be on your way to better hair, it's customary to show up or at least inform me that you've changed your mind.
Did you enjoy the email I sent you telling you that I donated them both to Goodwill because you didn't bother to show?
Regards,
Don't Piss me Off.
Dear Craig’s List Non-Desk Buyers,
Why won’t you buy my desk?
Regards,
Albert* (*A cat)
I’m so glad you stopped to get your car detailed on the way over to pick up the storage containers. It certainly was worth waiting the extra 2 hours to see how your car gleamed. Perhaps I might make a recommendation? If you are going to get your car detailed - you should get a better car. This might seem a bit rich coming from someone with a Mazda with an oops on the bumper* and a hole in the exhaust manifold but I know enough not to waste $50 and if you turn the stereo up loud, you can hardly hear the sweet roar of the car.
Thank you for paying me $35 in rolls of quarters and dimes because you didn’t want to spend $3 at the bank to get it converted. Allow me to go ahead and do that for you. I don’t even want to know why you have rolls of quarters laying around your house. I assume you’re not supposed to “make it rain” with quarters and dimes which leads me to the obvious conclusion that you’re gun running with the Irish.
*Not really my fault. Only a little bit.
Regards,
Elizabeth** (**Not my real name, I want no part of your hired assassin business, Mr O'Murphy-Kelly)
Dear Craig's List Hair Dryer & Straightener Buyer,
If it's listed under the "For Sale section on Craig's List with a price next to it, it means it is For Sale, not Free. So, don't be acting all surprised that I want to charge for it. And when I send you the brand names and makes as well as the requested photo because the one on Craig's List apparently wasn't detailed enough for you to see that it was a regular hair dryer and straightener, even though I sent you the exact same photo, please don't act all surprised again, that I want money for them.
And when we schedule a time to meet so we can complete the transaction and you can be on your way to better hair, it's customary to show up or at least inform me that you've changed your mind.
Did you enjoy the email I sent you telling you that I donated them both to Goodwill because you didn't bother to show?
Regards,
Don't Piss me Off.
Dear Craig’s List Non-Desk Buyers,
Why won’t you buy my desk?
Regards,
Albert* (*A cat)
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