So Monday left me alone for the rest of the day which means Monday 1* is gonna be a bitch.
Forgot to mention that yesterday was my half birthday - I am just waiting for my gifts to arrive. Sort of like I am waiting for my blog to make money...
*Refer to previous Monday post.
Monday, October 14, 2013
So Monday is here...
If you're wondering if I had a good nights sleep. Thanks for asking. No. Because when the smoke alarm goes off in the middle of the night and you stumble out of bed to stop it and realize that the ceilings are too tall and a chair isn't going to cut it and you stick a chair on top of the desk, you are bound to fall off and hurt yourself. But it's no good lying on the floor looking at what is clearly a broken ankle-foot-leg* because the smoke alarm won't care, it will just keep screaming "I will protect you from fire, carbon monoxide...and cooking toast"
*Self-diagnosed so no room for doubt. Better get the band-aids out again
And then your neighbors start waking up so you should put clothes on. And get back on the horse...chair on desk...and disarm it like the professional you are.
FYI - there is a button that looks like an off switch. It's not. You have to cut off it's head. Like a Hydra. I finally wounded it enough so that it was just emitting intermittent baby bleeps. Which I decided I could live with. Not so my neighbors. Who can apparently live with barky dogs just fine. So now there are parts all over the floor and a bit of a hole in the ceiling but I hardly ever look up anyway.
And now Monday really gets going...
And then it kicked me in the arse...
And now I have no shoes to wear.
Then Monday punched me in the face...
But I took it on the chin...and continued to get ready. Got myself some of that new Vaseline spray moisturizer. "Just Spray and Go!"** FYI - nozzle has a mind of its own. Wall is very well moisturized.
**Lies. Spray, spray some more, rub in, nothing happens, repeat. Give up.
And then Monday went quiet on me and I relaxed and then Monday was like "One Sec". And then...
Just kidding - that was someone else's Monday. I'm waiting for the rest of Monday to hit - if each day is a gift, is it possible to return Monday? This may be the first post with an afternoon update because you know Monday isn't done with me yet...Just going to plan out my week in preparation for what's to come...
Monday
Monday 1
Monday 2
Monday 3
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*Self-diagnosed so no room for doubt. Better get the band-aids out again
And then your neighbors start waking up so you should put clothes on. And get back on the horse...chair on desk...and disarm it like the professional you are.
Disarm it with a smile and when that doesn't work, smack it.
FYI - there is a button that looks like an off switch. It's not. You have to cut off it's head. Like a Hydra. I finally wounded it enough so that it was just emitting intermittent baby bleeps. Which I decided I could live with. Not so my neighbors. Who can apparently live with barky dogs just fine. So now there are parts all over the floor and a bit of a hole in the ceiling but I hardly ever look up anyway.
And now Monday really gets going...
 |
| Something just didn't feel right...oh it's because it's no longer attached... |
And then it kicked me in the arse...
 |
| You want to talk about no longer attached - the top of the shoe has had a serious disagreement with the bottom and they've parted ways... |
And now I have no shoes to wear.
See?
**Lies. Spray, spray some more, rub in, nothing happens, repeat. Give up.
And then Monday went quiet on me and I relaxed and then Monday was like "One Sec". And then...
Just kidding - that was someone else's Monday. I'm waiting for the rest of Monday to hit - if each day is a gift, is it possible to return Monday? This may be the first post with an afternoon update because you know Monday isn't done with me yet...Just going to plan out my week in preparation for what's to come...
Monday
Monday 1
Monday 2
Monday 3
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Friday, October 11, 2013
Weekly Round-Up of Things
Since nothing else has happened to me this week and I have no cohesive thoughts in my head, you get this...which is a lot more than what you were originally going to get. Which was called nothing.
Overheard at work yesterday: "We're really coordinating good at the moment." Which really gives me good confidence.
So you know when you're in line to get lunch and you greet the cashier with a "Hola" and she's all Hola, Cómo está? Le puedo ayudar en algo?" and you're all "Yeah, I just have hello." That happened. Now I have to go take Spanish lessons to avoid this again.
Walked past this little girl last night - possibly 3 years old (they all look kind of alike) - sitting on her front step. She looked at me waved and said "you're pretty". Brought her home. I now have a daughter.
Tattoos I am Thinking of Getting: Don't tell Mum.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
EAT ME NOW
Too late.
- Bananas.
Overheard at work yesterday: "We're really coordinating good at the moment." Which really gives me good confidence.
So you know when you're in line to get lunch and you greet the cashier with a "Hola" and she's all Hola, Cómo está? Le puedo ayudar en algo?" and you're all "Yeah, I just have hello." That happened. Now I have to go take Spanish lessons to avoid this again.
Walked past this little girl last night - possibly 3 years old (they all look kind of alike) - sitting on her front step. She looked at me waved and said "you're pretty". Brought her home. I now have a daughter.
Tattoos I am Thinking of Getting: Don't tell Mum.
 |
| Unicorn jumping over a rainbow that a dolphin is diving underneath - but imagine it without Batman. I just think that's too much. Some people just don't know when to stop. |
 |
| My Face |
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
EAT ME NOW
Too late.
- Bananas.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Terrible Struggles I Have Had In My Life
- This morning I put on a dress and I stuck my arm through the wrong hole. I can't get out. This is not the first time this has happened.
- It's Kirsten, not Kristen.
- This one time, I wanted a cupcake and they only sold them in packs of four. So I had none. It was awful
- This other time I was at the mall in the public bathroom and they didn't have those sensors on the taps and I had to turn it on myself. With my own hand. Than to add insult to injury they didn't have the sensor paper towel holder and I had to pull it out myself. Again, using my hand.
- Yesterday when I got home, I had to park a block away from my house because selfish people parked on my street. Outside my house. In my secretly designated spot.
- When I was young, I was only allowed to get 10 library books out at a time. My education was stifled. To this day I don't read as good or talk as good English as I could have.
- Sometimes my air conditioning is too cold. And too far away to change
- It's Thursday
- My headset broke so now I have to hold my phone. Which is particularly hard on my arm with tuberculosis that has not fully healed*
- I had to delete some apps from my iPhone so I could upgrade to ios7. And now I don't have that Bic lighter one for concerts. So, now I can't go to concerts.
- I have to watch some shows On Demand because I can't DVR more than 2 at a time
- I had Mexican food for lunch last week and I lost a corn chip in my salsa and then my recon chip went AWOL
- I can't see certain people getting hit by the karma I was promised. What goes around is just standing still.
- I just started watching a new Vampire show - The Originals - and I need someone to write up a character synopsis because my head is too tired to figure out all the main characters. All four of them..
- I tried to braid my hair and this happened. And now I have to look like this today.
 |
| Started with such promise. Maybe if I put a bow on it? |
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The Real Story of How Albert Lost His Eye
Disclaimer: Not cats were harmed in the writing of this blog post, however they did get very annoyed and one of us is bleeding.
Sit down, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, this morning, my cat's eye fell out.*
A long, long time ago, last year,** Albert was outside playing in the back yard at his house*** in Beaverton, Oregon when a feral cat jumped him from behind. The cats name was Franco****. Apparently they had some beef over the property line?
By the time I got home from work, he was facing the wrong way on the couch, crying and his iris was bulging out. I immediately did what every good parent does and YouTubed how to poke cats iris back in. Surprisingly little out there. This was one of those times when a Hello Kitty band-aid is just not enough to fix it. Yes, that is normally how I fix him - stick a couple of band-aids on and neosporin him every time he walks past.
Thank goodness for the internet (what did people do before when their cats eye fell out?) because with a little searching, I found a place that specializes in cats eyes and we drove across the city in the dark and the howling wind and rain. Pretty sure both of us were crying at this point. Granted, he had more to cry about. But I've always been a sympathetic crier - what really kills me is the senseless fake deaths of actors on TV shows. Tragic.
Once we finally arrived, I rushed him in and the receptionist took one look, grabbed the intercom and announced "Triage to reception, triage to reception". The vet bore him away and I pulled myself together by sitting in a puddle of tears. An hour or so of waiting and I was ready to poke out my own eye. Finally the vet came out to break the news. We've had to remove his right fore-leg. Umm, I brought him in with a lacerated eyeball. I think you've made a mistake, I'm going to need you to put that back.
So then they brought me in to see him and I redirected them to the right cat - he was doped up on morphine and completely in love with me. Rubbing his manky, crusty, half eye on me (yet to be removed, scheduled for the op in the morning), I was ready just to write-off being a parent. The eye was removed, the eyelid cut back and six months later the fur grew over the top of it and you'd never know there used to be an eye there. He certainly doesn't. In fact he forgot about twenty minutes after the removed it which makes me question his intelligence a little. Which is mean because as a parent, you're supposed to think yours are the bestest and smartest as evidenced by those car stickers "My kid is an honor roll student at XXX school". Thinking of getting one for Albert "My cat lost his eye but even before that happened he was dumber than your honor roll kid but he's a cat so it's not a very good comparison and maybe your kid isn't that smart if he's only smarter than a one-eyed cat. Catchy, right?
So, the only side effects I've noticed are when I'm on his left side and I call him, he can't figure out where the voice is coming from. Soon as he turns his head, he's all "Oh hey - what's up".
*Not true. Contrary to popular belief, Albert's eye did not fall out one day. Also for those who are wondering, it hasn't grown back.
**Also not true but sounds good.
*** Again, a lie. Albert doesn't have a house, he's a cat. He doesn't even have pockets to put his house key in.
**** His name wasn't Franco, it was "cat". He's feral, feral cats don't care about names, they care about ripping eyeballs out.
Sit down, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, this morning, my cat's eye fell out.*
A long, long time ago, last year,** Albert was outside playing in the back yard at his house*** in Beaverton, Oregon when a feral cat jumped him from behind. The cats name was Franco****. Apparently they had some beef over the property line?
By the time I got home from work, he was facing the wrong way on the couch, crying and his iris was bulging out. I immediately did what every good parent does and YouTubed how to poke cats iris back in. Surprisingly little out there. This was one of those times when a Hello Kitty band-aid is just not enough to fix it. Yes, that is normally how I fix him - stick a couple of band-aids on and neosporin him every time he walks past.
 |
| Problem solved |
 |
| Dear Neosporin - I gave you a free plug, how about you do the same for me? |
 |
| A little too late...this is his resigned look after about an hour of me chasing him around sticking band-aids on and trying to take his picture |
Thank goodness for the internet (what did people do before when their cats eye fell out?) because with a little searching, I found a place that specializes in cats eyes and we drove across the city in the dark and the howling wind and rain. Pretty sure both of us were crying at this point. Granted, he had more to cry about. But I've always been a sympathetic crier - what really kills me is the senseless fake deaths of actors on TV shows. Tragic.
Once we finally arrived, I rushed him in and the receptionist took one look, grabbed the intercom and announced "Triage to reception, triage to reception". The vet bore him away and I pulled myself together by sitting in a puddle of tears. An hour or so of waiting and I was ready to poke out my own eye. Finally the vet came out to break the news. We've had to remove his right fore-leg. Umm, I brought him in with a lacerated eyeball. I think you've made a mistake, I'm going to need you to put that back.
So then they brought me in to see him and I redirected them to the right cat - he was doped up on morphine and completely in love with me. Rubbing his manky, crusty, half eye on me (yet to be removed, scheduled for the op in the morning), I was ready just to write-off being a parent. The eye was removed, the eyelid cut back and six months later the fur grew over the top of it and you'd never know there used to be an eye there. He certainly doesn't. In fact he forgot about twenty minutes after the removed it which makes me question his intelligence a little. Which is mean because as a parent, you're supposed to think yours are the bestest and smartest as evidenced by those car stickers "My kid is an honor roll student at XXX school". Thinking of getting one for Albert "My cat lost his eye but even before that happened he was dumber than your honor roll kid but he's a cat so it's not a very good comparison and maybe your kid isn't that smart if he's only smarter than a one-eyed cat. Catchy, right?
So, the only side effects I've noticed are when I'm on his left side and I call him, he can't figure out where the voice is coming from. Soon as he turns his head, he's all "Oh hey - what's up".
*Not true. Contrary to popular belief, Albert's eye did not fall out one day. Also for those who are wondering, it hasn't grown back.
**Also not true but sounds good.
*** Again, a lie. Albert doesn't have a house, he's a cat. He doesn't even have pockets to put his house key in.
**** His name wasn't Franco, it was "cat". He's feral, feral cats don't care about names, they care about ripping eyeballs out.
 |
| Eyes Wide Shut |
 |
| Both open except that one of them is no longer in his eye socket |
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
I Work Out
So, for those that don't know - I have a trainer, well actually I have two. They tag team the torture. My trainer or coach as he prefers to be called runs All Out Effort. I've spent a lot of time molding them into doing things my way. I now have a very positive mindset when I train.
An AOE workout
An AOE workout
- Set appointment with Sam (Coach and Owner)
- Negotiate time that is not ridiculous o’clock in the morning
- Agree to ridiculous o’clock time in the morning
- Dread all week
- Alarm goes off. Weep softly. Get up and vow not to do this again
- Arrive in middle of night - read sign on entrance regarding negative thoughts and leaving them there at the door
- Punch sign in its stupid positive face
- Come in and grunt greetings at other poor souls
- Start foot stretches on rocks and tennis balls. Complete and tell Sam you think that’s enough for one day
- Apparently he does not
- Continue with workout. Against better judgment
- Start foam roll routine and remind self that this is painful but doesn’t compare with what’s to come. Rest head gently on foam roller, just for a minute. Get caught…
- Start Mobility exercises: roll around on floor, trying to look mobile. Ask for help up off floor.
- Choose one of the lesser of three evils: Treadmill, Climber, Bike. Choose lying on floor for quick disco nap. Get up off floor after being told that is not an option.
- Start workout: swings (recommend that everyone ducks, those kettlebells have a habit of leaving my hand. Mostly because I let go of them. On purpose), planks (the exercise that everyone thinks they look good doing. And don’t), rolly ball ab agony things (I think you know what I mean), squats (where once you get down there, going up is not all it's cracked up to be) and everyone’s favorite, stupid burpees (right?). Wonder how I can possibly go on...
- Put $1 in "Whine Bucket". Protest about legitimacy of whine. Put another $1 in.
- Hear those precious words: You can stretch now.
- Consider the alternative: work-out with Cindy (Coach 2). Decide to leave that for another day. Called never.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Dating Tips 2
I'm trying something new - a different dating app every week. Last week it was "How About We". You upload your profile and then you create dates starting with "How about we..." If someone is interested in your date then they can send you an actual message or notify you that they are "intrigued" by the date idea. At which point, nothing else happens. It's very effective.
I have a demographic - turns out I am very attractive to the 26 and below market and 51 and above - all the way to 68. So far no one has responded to any of my dates:
So far I have received one notable message - from someone who is allegedly a native English speaker and according to his profile, has a Masters degree, although in what is unclear but I will hazard a guess that it's not Communication. I have added comments where necessary so that you can understand his message and please note, I have not interfered with his grammar or spacing at all...
How are u doing today?my (requires a capital M) name is David and just come across you.1 (sometimes a 1 can be substituted for an I) must confess,your profile has really captured my attention I am very kind gentle and understanding to live with (apparently we are moving in together) ,am here looking for sincere,honest caring and loving woman (not it) to spend the rest of my life with,I come across your (my what?) and am very interested in getting to know you and I believe as time comes you and I will be able to create a rap ore ( A what? A sharp knock and some mineral deposits?) between us and can you tell me a bit about you (No.) and what are you looking for in a relationship partner?take care and have a great day, (and just when you thought he was done...)I would also love to spend time talking to you online to see how we can get closer to each other because as you can see communication is the best key to every relationship (I certainly can).If you are also serious and looking for something serious as i have let you know am looking for,you can send me mail to XXXXX (I deleted this because I know my friends and he doesn't deserve the emails you were going to send him)and i look forward to hear from you soon.
I know - you all think I'm mean and picky. I am.
This week it was Swoon - you flick through photos of people and yay or nay them - the only info you get is whether you have any Facebook friends in common, their age, location and whether you have mutual FB likes. They can't tell that you have looked at them unless they "swoon" over you too, in which case, I imagine you go on to get married and have a perfect life. Not one man older than 36. I lasted 2 hours.
Previously I tried Coffee and Bagel which is supposed to set you up with friends of friends from FB which is a lie. At noon every day, females get sent a "Bagel" and you decide whether you want to accept your "bagel" or pass. I'm allergic to wheat so this one wasn't for me.
So, if you think you have a better one and you want me to test it out for you. No.
I have a demographic - turns out I am very attractive to the 26 and below market and 51 and above - all the way to 68. So far no one has responded to any of my dates:
- How About We...shoot ourselves
- How About We...not do this
- How About We...pick someone our own age
- How About We...get matching tattoos
So far I have received one notable message - from someone who is allegedly a native English speaker and according to his profile, has a Masters degree, although in what is unclear but I will hazard a guess that it's not Communication. I have added comments where necessary so that you can understand his message and please note, I have not interfered with his grammar or spacing at all...
How are u doing today?my (requires a capital M) name is David and just come across you.1 (sometimes a 1 can be substituted for an I) must confess,your profile has really captured my attention I am very kind gentle and understanding to live with (apparently we are moving in together) ,am here looking for sincere,honest caring and loving woman (not it) to spend the rest of my life with,I come across your (my what?) and am very interested in getting to know you and I believe as time comes you and I will be able to create a rap ore ( A what? A sharp knock and some mineral deposits?) between us and can you tell me a bit about you (No.) and what are you looking for in a relationship partner?take care and have a great day, (and just when you thought he was done...)I would also love to spend time talking to you online to see how we can get closer to each other because as you can see communication is the best key to every relationship (I certainly can).If you are also serious and looking for something serious as i have let you know am looking for,you can send me mail to XXXXX (I deleted this because I know my friends and he doesn't deserve the emails you were going to send him)and i look forward to hear from you soon.
I know - you all think I'm mean and picky. I am.
This week it was Swoon - you flick through photos of people and yay or nay them - the only info you get is whether you have any Facebook friends in common, their age, location and whether you have mutual FB likes. They can't tell that you have looked at them unless they "swoon" over you too, in which case, I imagine you go on to get married and have a perfect life. Not one man older than 36. I lasted 2 hours.
Previously I tried Coffee and Bagel which is supposed to set you up with friends of friends from FB which is a lie. At noon every day, females get sent a "Bagel" and you decide whether you want to accept your "bagel" or pass. I'm allergic to wheat so this one wasn't for me.
So, if you think you have a better one and you want me to test it out for you. No.
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