It's The Day After Xmas!

Boo! Xmas is over. Back to the diet*. Back to work**. Back to exercising***. Back to behaving****. Back to Baja!*****

*Let's not be too hasty - talk it over with your food baby and pick a date that suits both of you to jump back on the wagon.
**Except for me because I am still on a boat in the ocean. I'm not coming back to work.
***Silly. No.
****Well, trying again.
*****I mean Puerta Vallerta but it didn't roll off the tongue as well. We didn't go to Baja but since I am not getting off the boat, it's a definite possibility.

It's Xmas!

Meri Kirihimete! Or more appropriately since I'm in Mexico "Feliz Navidad"! I have a gift for languages*.

Since it's Xmas Day and I am on a cruise ship, in a food coma, about to have a shipboard romance** and in a bathing suit***, I wish you all the best and thank you for reading. Have a great day all...

*It's kind of a one phrase gift. Which means I can travel internationally. But not very successfully.
**Actually one of these things is not true. Despite best efforts.
***It's a known fact that you can't write while in a bikini. There's nowhere to put your pen.

It's The Day Before The Day Before Xmas!

I'm on a boat. Sailing to Mexico. I am very international. I'm going to come back with the following:

1. A tan
2. A complete grasp of the Spanish Language
3. A Xmas belly
4. My own personal pinata, filled with chocolate, diamonds and a car.
5. Bootleg Tequila*.
6. A baby
7. A baby burrito
8. A zacahuil** - just going to pop it in my suitcase***
9. Chihuahua's from Chihuahua for everyone of my friends. Going to ask for bulk discount. Then pop them in the post.
10. A contract to be a cabaret singer on a cruise ship.****

*Or I might just buy some. I don't want to get arrested in Mexico. They're very threatened by New Zealand so I probably wouldn't last long in prison. Also, I don't know where to get bootleg tequila, I'm not sure of the quality and it just seems easier to buy it...also I don't like it.
**A Mexican tamale, three feet long and weighing about 150 pounds. I might get a dozen.
***Same with the baby. Burrito goes in my handbag for easy access.
****Let's be realistic. The other things probably aren't going to happen.

A Christmas Offering

Many* of you may recall when I took up graphic design and offered my services in an earlier post, accompanied by my portfolio of expert and artistic design. I am once again offering my services for the creation of your family Christmas card. As it is the season of giving, I will be only be charging a nominal sum of $1,403 per card ($3 of which will be going to charity so think about that before you say no). Below are some shots I have already taken of myself and Albert - we didn't have the luxury of props so I have had to skillfully draw them on each photo. Look carefully and you might be able to pick them out although they are hard to distinguish from the real thing.

Sometimes it's hard to get everyone to smile and look at the camera at the same time but luckily, I'm able to craft a natural expression on their faces so no one will ever realize that they were being a sour puss. I also find that a nice red lip brings every portrait alive and gives it a festive look.

Sometimes children forget about elegance and inadvertently show their undies. I just slap a big "censored" sign on - problem solved.

If you have someone that's a bit ugly and ruining your Xmas photo, put a tree in front of them.

This is a real tree. I hate those fake ones.  Also, when I said if there was someone a bit ugly in your family, I was obviously not referring to myself, this is an example only.

A nice festive banner can bring your photo to life and you can even have it made into a postcard. Make sure that everyone looks festive. This is a poor example as one of us refused to smile.

Posing with much reluctance, thankfully Albert was happy to be there.

A santa hat covers up a bad hair day, makes you look festive and like a Victoria's Secret model. See.

One of us doesn't want to be here. One of us is bleeding a little bit in a lovely festive red color.

If you don't have any Xmas balls, make sure you have a cat with one glowing eye. Very Christmassy. Don't try and stick him on top of the tree though. That will end badly for one of you. Also the tree.

Also, try adding a hula skirt.  Hula says Xmas.

*Well one of you might. Come on? Anyone?