The Best Post I Have Written...

...is not up today because I am taking Thanksgiving off. Next week is looking good though...

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to write a post but then this happened.

I can't be expected to type with my thumb practically ripped off.

Happy Turkey Day. Ow.

Happy Thanksgiving...To Me

Thanksgiving Thoughts and Reflections:

1. The year I hosted Thanksgiving and made poached fish for dinner - I now see the error of my ways and am very sorry
2. The year I volunteered. I showed up with my two massive containers of mac n' cheese and full of virtuous, righteous do-gooding. After I dropped my food off in the kitchen to be added to plates and packaged up as a dinner for one, ready to be distributed around the city, I got in line to be assigned my volunteer duties. Two hours later - still in line, still volunteering but effectively only volunteering to stand in a line. Effectively not very effective. Finally, I get called to a car with 3 others, we load up with the plated food and are told to drive to where we think there are homeless people looking for a Thanksgiving meal. Being new to LA, I suggested a spot in Portland. I was ignored* So the ringleader and driver headed for her favorite homeless spot. Apparently they went home. Not a single person in sight. At which point we resorted to Google and headed for Skid Row in Downtown LA. Finally getting into the swing of things, we hand out meals with only 2 thrown at us by someone who wasn't very hungry. Empty of all our plates we head back to base camp with just a couple of things. Two homeless puppies and their homeless fleas and some mashed potato in one of the girls hair. Not mine though so don't worry.
3. The year I slept through Thanksgiving - was about to write a description of what happened and realized this happened. I slept through Thanksgiving.
4. How to make a scaled down Thanksgiving dinner for one. Dennys.
5. The year I ran the Turkey Trot - this is a hellish idea that has to be done early on Thanksgiving morning so that you can justify eating your face off later. The Portland Turkey Trot ends up at the Zoo and you run the last part through it, with Lions and Tigers jogging along beside you in their cages. The turkey's don't run with you in their cages. Because they are dead. And about to be eaten. So it's a very mistakenly named fun run. (A) the turkey's are not trotting and (B) therefore not having fun. They are just dead.
6. The food that shouldn't be eaten on Thanksgiving - Canned anything. Tofurky**
7. The football games I didn't watch on Thanksgiving. All of them. Ever.
8. Giving thanks - let's celebrate the harvest. Which occurred several months earlier as we are now in the middle of winter. Fail.
9. In response to a query: No, I will not be going home to New Zealand for Thanksgiving.
10. Apparently every year the president issues a proclamation, to"pardon" a turkey, which spares the bird's life and ensures that it will spend the duration of its life roaming freely on farmland. The rest of us massage our birds with butter and then eat them***. 
11. The year I named my turkey - Neville. Actually this happens every year now. Taking suggestions for next year as this year I will be roasting Gustav's left leg.
12. If I have a whole pumpkin pie, how many slices will you get? None. My pie.
13. Thanksgiving advice - don't cook fried turkey in the nude.
14. Things I am thankful for:

• Gustav 

 

Rose are Red, Violets are blue, Thanksgiving poems are very difficult and I haven't quite mastered it yet.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

*Which I don't think was really in the Thanksgiving spirit.
**Despite the previous comment in where it appears I am on the side of the turkey, I will still eat their dead bodies rather than have turkey formed out of tofu. My only exception to this rule is turkey formed out of cake.
***However, the pardoned birds don't have a very good track record and it seems they now use an alternate.  In 2010, Obama pardoned Apple, and alternate bird Cider. Both had died of natural causes by Thanksgiving. In 2012, Obama pardoned a 45-pound turkey named Liberty and an alternate bird named Peace. Peace survived until shortly before Thanksgiving 2012, when he was euthanized.  There is no record of why Peace had to be euthanized.  Which I find very suspicious and suspect that the Secret Service were involved.  If you are reading this, Secret Service people, I'll have you know that you will never find me as I am a master of disguise and do all kinds of clever computer stuff that I can't quite remember right now to put you off the trail.  Also I am Australian.

Sometimes I...

• Add something to my list of things to do that I've already done so I can cross it off and feel accomplished. Sometimes that's the whole list and then I sit down and relax whilst congratulating myself for excelling.
• Don't get dressed
• Curse and swear at other drivers. Actually not sometimes...
• Am very, very good. But mostly not.
• Have an extra cup of tea in the morning. Don't hate
• Eat cake. Also, not sometimes...
• Have a good hair day. Last November
• Sing out loud. And then I get shushed.
• Think I can dance. But then I can't
• Soothe myself with wine. Called cake.
• Talk to my cat. But it's ok because he talks back.How embarrassing would it be, if he ignored me?
• Count Mini Cooper's on the drive to work. But not obsessively. Because I don't do it on weekends. Because it doesn't count if it's not the same route.
• Don't make my bed. But I always wash the dishes.
• Wish I knew more about Physics so I could invent a portal and go home for the weekend. I've got the Marketing Plan ready to go, I'm just missing the science.
• Think about getting up but then I don't
• Think about ironing clothes before I actually need to wear them. And then I decide to wear something else.
• Have nowhere to go when I look really good.  Which then reverses when I have somewhere to go.
• Hate beautiful people even though Pantene told me not to. 
• Think I am mutton dressed as lamb
• Pretend I am going to get up and workout before work. 
• Put workout clothes on and walk all the way to the couch
• Think I look good in hats. And then I put one on...
• Want to go camping. But just for one night, then hotel.
• Want to run away, travel, live off the land and have no cares and responsibilities but then I remember my retirement savings plan doesn't allow for that.  And by retirement savings plan, I mean the lottery. And then I remember that I don't buy tickets.

Never Leave Your Ford Laser Unattended

Because if you do, it will get broken into. Ten times. America, your people might kill more than ours but we will rob you blind first. The first time was not long after I bought the car. As I mentioned, I got it from a boy racer who had invested in the latest stereo system. It was one of those that you could pull out and take with you when you left the car so that no one would steal it. So, every time I got out of the car, I would pull it out and put it under the driver's seat. Where all the criminals knew it was kept. So, they would smash my little quarter glass, reach under the seat and take it. They would also take a selection of my cassette tapes - I lost the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack tragically in the first wave. I find it offensive that they left some behind. You don't steal my stuff AND question my taste.

So, the insurance company and I would replace it. I went through two of those. With additional cassette casualties - James Reyne,* Living Colour, Terence Trent D'Arby. Mints. Various items of clothing. They did however leave my sunglasses. So now, they are calling into question my music taste and my fashion sense. I am being victimized from all directions.

Round two was the stereo with the detachable face. You just took the face off and put it in your handbag. Or under the seat. Apparently they knew about that one too. So after two of those, I finally learned my lesson and stopped putting things of value under the seat. Also, I moved to another city to evade the criminals. Who came with me. So, now they would just break into the car and look around at the complete emptiness of the interior. Apparently they needed to be in the car to determine this, they couldn't just look through the window. By now, the locks on both the passenger and driver sides were completely buggered so I carried a hammer in my glove box. When I had to get in the car, I would wiggle the lock three times and climb in through the passenger side. Then I could use the claw part of the hammer to lift the lock up on the driver side so I could exit with some dignity. After my dignified exit, I would then pound the lock down with the hammer, throw it in the car and walk off with a dignified air.

Eventually Dad got sick of me having to replace the quarter glass window so he replaced it with perspex. Take that criminals, now see if you can break my window and steal my stuff. So, they just took the whole car instead. Problem solved. Take that Special K and Special Dad. It wasn't just any old thief that finally took the car. It was a thief recently out of prison with a broken leg in a full cast. I was working in a bank in Auckland at the time when a customer came running in to ask if anyone owned a red Ford hatchback. Someone had just been seen smashing the window and driving off in it, with the police in hot pursuit.

After he hit a wall, he got out and climbed over it. Apparently forgetting his broken leg. Which hampered him at the bottom on the other side. Which is where the police found him.

*Who here hasn't sung along to James Reyne? Slave, One More River, She Don't Like That. Good job, Australia

An Angry Post...

Dear Parking Nazi Person - sorry I don't know what your actual official title is so is it ok if I call you Parking F*&^%er? I'm so glad I was able to help you reach your quota this morning when you gave me a ticket for being parked on the street during street cleaning hours.

Because they're resealing all the roads around us, there was no where else for me to park so I was keeping an eye out so I could run out and drive around the block when the cleaner arrived. Instead, you arrived. And wouldn't let me move it, even though the cleaner wasn't even there yet. Because apparently you had already started the "process".

So, I am starting a new "process" and putting you on a payment plan. I will pay $5 every paycheck (every 2 weeks). Also I will stop wishing you harm because I am being the bigger person. Still the angrier person but definitely bigger because you were tiny.
When I tried to explain the situation to you, you agreed that it sucked. However you did not agree with me when I said you sucked. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Probably when you gave me a ticket. I thought about giving you a ticket. For the following:  

• Double parking your official Parking F*&%er car to give me a ticket
• Being unreasonable
• Being unswayed by a woman's tears - what kind of animal are you?*
• Not asking how Albert is doing
• Having an ugly uniform, that was a bit tight
• Being a bad driver - you had a boo boo on your car which means either someone give you a special ticket in the form of a dent or you are a bad driver. From the way you were printing the ticket, I could see you were a bad driver

But then I realized, all I had was a bit of paper, no fancy ticket writing machine and no uniform. So my ticket didn't carry a lot of weight. So, now I'm thinking of starting a new business - pre-printed citations for people who are being arses. First one is all yours. 

Sincerely,

Special K - I will not pay!**

PS. Where are you after 8pm when you let anybody park on my restricted parking street?  I wish I had your email address, I would send you emails every night.  With all the license plates of the offenders.  That might be nice, no?

*I didn't really cry, it was angry rage water. I did however, stomp and slam my front door. Which was ruined by the fact that he had already driven off.
**Well I will but what I wanted to write didn't rhyme and I'm not allowed to curse...

Cars - And On To The Next!

So I bought my first car. All by myself. A Ford Laser Sport Hatchback, 1984, I think. In bright red. With my student loan money which is probably illegal but since my year was the first year of student loans, there were no rules! And now we all still owe the government a lot of money. Except me, I just paid mine off. Goodbye retirement.

Anyway, let’s back off from the bitterness. I bought the car from a boy racer who met me at a petrol station for the exchange. I know there was paperwork involved, we both signed a napkin stating that I was buying the car for $5,000* and he was selling it and he’d left the ownership papers in the glovebox. Sort of how we do our taxes in New Zealand. Just write down on a bit of paper what you think you earned and owe and drop it off to the IRD when you feel like it. None of this, taxes must be done and posted to the IRS by April 15th or you will be killed, business.

This was a boy racer, who apparently didn’t realize that a hatchback is not really a boy racing kind of car but maybe he didn’t know because the Fast and the Furious hadn’t come out yet. And I wasn’t going to tell him, I was too busy worrying about how negotiating absolutely nothing out of the deal would be impacted by giving him comments like that. So, I ended up with a car that had Tweeters in the front** and in the back, 4 sub woofers bolted into the piece that is supposed to lift up when you open the hatch but no longer did.  Meaning you could hardly slide anything into the boot (trunk) and had to go in through the back seats. I knew nothing about woofing and tweeting, I just knew my car had a heartbeat all of its own and people would turn and look when I drove along. Which is not my thing at all but I really had no clue on how to control the bass. 

So, now I have my brand new car - only problem is I'm on the other side of town and I need to drive it home.  And it's a manual (stick shift***).  And I've never driven one before.  Can't be that hard.  I know when the engine starts to roar, you're supposed to change gears.  I did not know about that pedally thing you're supposed to push down at the same time as you move the sticky thing.  Picked that up real fast.  Did not entirely master the moving smoothly through the gears piece.  Not until 4 years later.  I sweated a lot on that drive home.  Mostly on a hill where I sat at the lights for 4 rounds with people tooting (beeping) at me, me revving the engine and trying to make it go forward and up but just going a lot of backward and down. In the end, I put on my hazard lights, took a time out and cried while the cars drove round me and gave me the finger (flipped me the bird).  Eventually, I took a running leap at the hill and was up and over.  Got back to my flat (apartment) and the car stayed in the driveway for 3 days.  I was traumatised (traumatized).

But, I got back on the horse**** and figured it out.  There was a lot of riding the clutch but that would become someone else's problem later on.

Did I mention that it had these sporty spotlights?  For a while.  Sometimes when you are driving in the rain and you are stopped at the lights, your foot will slip and you will be in gear and the car will hop forward into the next car.  And then one of your lights will face down.  And the wires will fall out.  And there will be a person waiting at the bus stop, yelling "I saw it.  I'll be a witness". And you can't drive over him because he is intellectually disabled and just trying to be a good citizen*****.

This car would actually be the bane of my life, through no fault of it's own.  But wait, there's more.  Just not today.

*I actually think this is what I paid for it which means I paid way too much, I don’t even think I negotiated at all. Which is why I now work as a negotiator and only ever use the word “no”.
**I keep wanting to write Twitters which now seems a much more common word than Tweeters. And I don’t really ever twitter my tweets much.
***I had no idea how much translating from New Zealand to American was involved when talking about cars.  Apologies to my South Korean and Malaysian readers (up to 23 - what?).  All I know is - bbo bbo and kentang.  Neither of which has anything to do with cars unless your are kissing a potato in one.
****Which was good that I had a horse since I didn't want to drive my car.
*****But you want to.  Just a little bit.