Things I Did Not Grow Up With And Look How Good I Turned Out*

1. Hand sanitizer - this is a pet peeve of mine. I can't go to a meeting without someone hand sanitizing after shaking hands with everyone. There are handy hand sanitizers in every lobby so we can wash ourselves free of all germs. In fact I doubt there will ever be a zombie apocalypse because we will just hand sanitize them to death and they won't know what hit them. And that makes me sad. I was looking forward to the apocalypse. I am skeptical about my ability to stand up, fight and survive as I think I might be the type that curls into a ball and rocks and keens while I wait for my demise. But I wanted to at least see what I would do. Anyway, the point is that I did not grow up with hand sanitizer, I fail to see it make the slightest dent in children getting colds/flu etc and deliberately passing them on to me. I grubbed around on the floor, ate whatever I found there, didn't hand sanitize before I greeted my friends and with the exception of a small bout of tuberculosis,** I made it through to adulthood. So, I refuse to use it. And for those that do, I am developing a strain of diseases*** that will not be put down by your hand sanitizer security
2. On the weekend, I saw a baby stroller/pram that seemed less about not having to carry the child yourself than cramming as many attachments on as humanely possible. When I was a kid, the stroller was for sitting in and being pushed. That was it. Mothers put their grocery bags on the handles and tried to remember to remove them before letting go - sometimes a baby doesn't weigh as much as produce and there would be a short tussle resulting in the bags winning and the stroller tipping backwards****. Apparently strollers now have the following features:

• A computer attached to it to monitor the temperature - how is this helpful? You either left with a sweater or you didn't. Do you need to know that it feels colder and you didn't bring another blanket for the baby? Do you now feel like a bad parent?
• It also shows how fast you are pushing. Is it a competition? Are you logged in to a site with other mothers where you post your results and the fastest pusher wins a prize? Or is it a safety feature? Shit, too fast, too fast!
• And how far you have walked - it doesn't matter, you don't have to carry the little bugger***** so just be thankful
• A cell phone charger - secretly I like this but I can't because I'm ranting
• A cup holder - people are losing their skills, mothers once balanced coffee, an umbrella, pushed and dragged another little bugger alongside the stroller. Now, they put their coffee in the cup holder - and by the way, there was no Starbucks when I grew up so if you wanted coffee, you brought a thermos
• Heat resistant handlebar - parents have gone soft. I can say that because I am not a parent. Except of a cat and he won't get in the heat resistant handlebar computerized stroller that I bought him
• 26 riding options - I don't even know what this means. Well, I do now because I looked it up. This is the number of different positions you can turn your stroller into so your kid can lie down, sit up at varying degrees, stand, skateboard, face forward, face backward, have a hissy fit etc. One stroller boasted 55 different positions. There aren't even that many sex positions.
• Auto brakes - apparently if you take your hands off the handlebar, the stroller stops. Where is the element of danger that we all faced? There is no excitement in life if you are not constantly faced with the threat of dying.

*My language skills might be questionable but I think I done pretty well.
**See previous posts
***Not actually true as I don't know how to do Sciency stuff. Vaguely feel as though it involves a petri dish. And gloves. I should wear gloves.
****No babies were hurt in this post
*****It's my blog, I can call them whatever. Please direct your complaints/outrage to Idon'tcare.com and I will respond immediately