Great California Shake-out

This morning we have earthquake training along with millions of other Californians. At 10:17am we're all going to Drop/Cover/Hold. I'm going to do it a little differently - I'm going to Stop/Put Cup of Tea Down/Carefully drop to the ground*/Get under my desk**/Phone a friend***/Get comfy.

I know this is a very serious matter and I want to take it seriously but I also have a meeting right after so will probably have to take that under the desk as it's going to take me a while to get back up. Also was a skirt and heels the appropriate outfit for an earthquake drill? Does the earthquake care how I look? One of my co-workers has just asked if they can come hang out under my desk but I think there's only room for me and even if someone was in my office visiting me at the time an earthquake struck, I'd have to say "Get Out". It's everyone for themselves in these kinds of situations. Unless he had cake in which case I would take his cake and then tell him "Get Out".

I know, I know - it's all fun and games until an earthquake hits and someone loses an eye.

I think we have to stay under the desk until the floor warden comes around and tells us it's safe - I would think in a real earthquake that once the shaking stops, that would be self-evident and if it's not, is she really going to know that? I'm pretty sure she's not a seismologist but I'll ask.

Do you think there will be prizes for the best "sitting under desk****"? I hope I win a prize, I'm going to be the best at it. In fact, I'm going to get under now because I'm an overachiever.

*I have a bad back and nothing happens fast. Hopefully the earthquake will understand and be patient with me. Maybe hold off until I'm securely under my desk?
**With handbag and phone - I know you're not supposed to grab things like that - or is that when the fire alarm goes off? I'd just like to have my phone so I can call for help or a small snack. Like pizza. In which case I'll need my credit card. From my handbag. Also my lip balm. Also I could play ScrambleWithFriends while I was waiting for rescue.
***Always good to have company, hopefully we can still talk over the bells and whistles going off
****Drop/Cover/Hold

Cake Decorating 1

My friend and I have taken up a new hobby. And by taken up, I mean we haven't done it yet but it's going down next week. We're in the ideas phase. This is different to my other hobbies that didn't really take. Like exercise. It's still in the ideas phase.  

We're going to become master cake decorators (just in our spare time - she's too busy with her real job and I'm too busy making money off my blog). We're on a strict timeline to nail this hobby:

1. Recon mission to Michaels scheduled for tomorrow. Hoping to keep ourselves* in check and not buy everything we don't need and will only use one time when we get bored of our new hobby.  Tomorrow.
2. Individual cake baking on Monday - already we know that you don't frost cakes straight from the oven...learned that the hard way.  Has anyone ever taken the cupcakes your Mum baked for the school bake sale and eaten them on the way?  Yeah, me either.
3. Tuesday is D-Day. Decorating Day - technically night because we're not allowed to decorate cakes at work.  They're stifling me. We're very excited about non-confirmed self-diagnosed creative genius.

My friend (who in order to preserve her anonymity, I will just say that her name rhymes with Schmistine), has chosen to make a designer shoe and shoebox for her very first attempt at cake decorating. Who else thinks this is an overly ambitious idea? Who else is not gonna say a word**? My concern with Schmistine is that she's been a little all over the place with the cake design choice - we've gone from a diversity cake (she works in Supplier Diversity) to a castle and now a shoe. All I know is that she's reading this so I am very supportive of all her choices.

Diversity Fondant?

I just want to go on record with the following predictions - I'm not saying it's Doomsday because obviously I'm a very positive person***, I'm just saying...when attempting to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Department usually uses water.  And so it begins...
 

I am Pro-cake.  I am also Pro-eating it

1. I predict that we will be drunk decorating - not me Mum, Schmistine.  She's a terrible influence.
2. I predict the high heeled shoe will become a flat. The shoe box will hit me in the head when I point this out.
3. Someone will have to cut fondant out of their hair.  I vote for Schmistine 
4. I predict that the end of the night will involve the two us collapsed in a heap on the floor, eating fistfuls of cake

And so it ends...

Net Result??

So stay tuned to see what actually happens****. If mine is a huge success, you will hear about it.  Also if hers is a huge disaster, you will hear about it.  If mine is a huge failure, we will never speak of this again... next hobby?

*I'm very concerned about Schmistine, she really has no control.  Unlike me.  I really needed that fondant photo printer and cutter.  Not true but I'm getting it.  Don't tell Schmistine.
**I actually said many words about this but now I have learned my lesson
***And a liar
****Clever marketing ploy to get you to keep reading...you'll never know when part 2 will come up so you keep checking and reading every day...only to be hopelessly disappointed.  

Flow Chart of How the Government Shutdown Has Affected Me...

For those that I have upset by making light of the situation, please refer to my serious political blog that I haven't written for my real viewpoint.

I actually didn't think that the Government Shutdown would have such a direct impact on me. But, here we are.  Bear with me as I need to provide some background.  Since it's too expensive to go home to New Zealand for Xmas and I don't have enough vacation time to make it worth the expensive, I've been looking for alternative Yuletide options.

I found the perfect solution - a Xmas cruise to Mexico. With my statutory holidays and only a couple of days leave, I can go on a 6 day cruise to Cabo and Puerta Vallarta. Everything is organized for me and it includes all my food.  I can gamble in a floating casino - if I knew how to and had someone else's money to spend*.  I can sing karaoke - if I could sing more than a monotone and a high pitched squeal.  Eat anything I like - as long as it's gluten-free. Also I am allergic to food and frequently break out in fat. I can play mini-golf - except for my tuberculosis arm (see previous blog post).  Go to the gym** and do sporting activities. I play sports***. Sounds perfect, right?

However, I didn't much fancy going on my own. Old men are partial to Kirsten and I didn't want an awkward incident with Santa. So, I asked my friend if she wanted to come, which of course she did and she invited two more to the party. Now, one of the friends works for Homeland Security and if you're very smart you can probably make the connection about how this is all going to end. And for the rest of you...I'm very pleased that Mr Homeland Security is coming as he will be able to protect us from danger. Obviously on a cruise there are ninjas and pirates and lasers and shit. But here's the kicker, he's been waiting to find out if he has a job in the Caribbean so he can figure out timing. So I had to sit and wait patiently, which I am excellent at. I restricted myself to asking if he's heard anything just twice a day. Which is not annoying at all. 

Our target date to book was the beginning of October which coincides with when he will hear back - any later and we might not be able to get accommodation. Unfortunately the Government's target date to screw with my plans was also the beginning of October. So now they have shut down without asking me how I feel about it and Homeland Security cannot sit there and make an employment decision because that would constitute thinking and thinking means working and they are not allowed to think work.

So I hear you thinking (which you are allowed to do as long as you don't work for the Government), there must be a solution to this - why don't you just book your own cabins and hope that your own private security detail can join you and there will still be availability.  Well, because single occupancy is as much as what it is costing us to have the Government shut down. 

*Hi Someone else.  Please send money.
**Don't be ridiculous, I'm on vacation. Honestly, I wish someone would do something about how lazy I am. I really felt like I wanted to work out this morning but then I wanted to not workout more. So...
***No I don't.

1 Ridiculous. No one says no to me, especially when I am accompanied by a giant boat full of fun, food and stuff that I don’t even know about yet.

So, in conclusion, the Government has ruined Xmas. 

FYI - I fully support Obama and when I say Government, I mean everyone involved that ruined Xmas. To my Republican readers - hi. Please keep reading my blog.

Monday - Update

So Monday left me alone for the rest of the day which means Monday 1* is gonna be a bitch.

Forgot to mention that yesterday was my half birthday - I am just waiting for my gifts to arrive.  Sort of like I am waiting for my blog to make money...

*Refer to previous Monday post.

So Monday is here...

If you're wondering if I had a good nights sleep. Thanks for asking. No. Because when the smoke alarm goes off in the middle of the night and you stumble out of bed to stop it and realize that the ceilings are too tall and a chair isn't going to cut it and you stick a chair on top of the desk, you are bound to fall off and hurt yourself. But it's no good lying on the floor looking at what is clearly a broken ankle-foot-leg* because the smoke alarm won't care, it will just keep screaming "I will protect you from fire, carbon monoxide...and cooking toast"

*Self-diagnosed so no room for doubt. Better get the band-aids out again

And then your neighbors start waking up so you should put clothes on. And get back on the horse...chair on desk...and disarm it like the professional you are.

Disarm it with a smile and when that doesn't work, smack it.

FYI - there is a button that looks like an off switch. It's not. You have to cut off it's head. Like a Hydra. I finally wounded it enough so that it was just emitting intermittent baby bleeps. Which I decided I could live with. Not so my neighbors. Who can apparently live with barky dogs just fine. So now there are parts all over the floor and a bit of a hole in the ceiling but I hardly ever look up anyway.

And now Monday really gets going...

Something just didn't feel right...oh it's because it's no longer attached...

And then it kicked me in the arse...

You want to talk about no longer attached - the top of the shoe has had a serious disagreement with the bottom and they've parted ways...

And now I have no shoes to wear.

See?

Then Monday punched me in the face...

But I took it on the chin...and continued to get ready. Got myself some of that new Vaseline spray moisturizer. "Just Spray and Go!"** FYI - nozzle has a mind of its own. Wall is very well moisturized.

**Lies. Spray, spray some more, rub in, nothing happens, repeat. Give up.

And then Monday went quiet on me and I relaxed and then Monday was like "One Sec". And then...

 Just kidding - that was someone else's Monday. I'm waiting for the rest of Monday to hit - if each day is a gift, is it possible to return Monday? This may be the first post with an afternoon update because you know Monday isn't done with me yet...Just going to plan out my week in preparation for what's to come...

Monday
Monday 1
Monday 2
Monday 3
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

Weekly Round-Up of Things

Since nothing else has happened to me this week and I have no cohesive thoughts in my head, you get this...which is a lot more than what you were originally going to get.  Which was called nothing.
 
Overheard at work yesterday: "We're really coordinating good at the moment."  Which really gives me good confidence.

So you know when you're in line to get lunch and you greet the cashier with a "Hola" and she's all Hola, Cómo está? Le puedo ayudar en algo?" and you're all "Yeah, I just have hello."  That happened.  Now I have to go take Spanish lessons to avoid this again.

Walked past this little girl last night - possibly 3 years old (they all look kind of alike) - sitting on her front step. She looked at me waved and said "you're pretty". Brought her home. I now have a daughter. 

Tattoos I am Thinking of Getting: Don't tell Mum.

Unicorn jumping over a rainbow that a dolphin is diving underneath - but imagine it without Batman. I just think that's too much.  Some people just don't know when to stop.

 

My Face

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
EAT ME NOW
Too late.
- Bananas.

Terrible Struggles I Have Had In My Life

• This morning I put on a dress and I stuck my arm through the wrong hole. I can't get out. This is not the first time this has happened.

 

• It's Kirsten, not Kristen.
• This one time, I wanted a cupcake and they only sold them in packs of four. So I had none. It was awful
• This other time I was at the mall in the public bathroom and they didn't have those sensors on the taps and I had to turn it on myself. With my own hand. Than to add insult to injury they didn't have the sensor paper towel holder and I had to pull it out myself. Again, using my hand.
• Yesterday when I got home, I had to park a block away from my house because selfish people parked on my street. Outside my house. In my secretly designated spot.
• When I was young, I was only allowed to get 10 library books out at a time. My education was stifled. To this day I don't read as good or talk as good English as I could have.
• Sometimes my air conditioning is too cold. And too far away to change
• It's Thursday
• My headset broke so now I have to hold my phone. Which is particularly hard on my arm with tuberculosis that has not fully healed*
• I had to delete some apps from my iPhone so I could upgrade to ios7. And now I don't have that Bic lighter one for concerts. So, now I can't go to concerts.
• I have to watch some shows On Demand because I can't DVR more than 2 at a time
• I had Mexican food for lunch last week and I lost a corn chip in my salsa and then my recon chip went AWOL
• I can't see certain people getting hit by the karma I was promised. What goes around is just standing still.
• I just started watching a new Vampire show - The Originals - and I need someone to write up a character synopsis because my head is too tired to figure out all the main characters. All four of them..
• I tried to braid my hair and this happened. And now I have to look like this today.

Started with such promise.  Maybe if I put a bow on it?

*See previous blogs. You should probably read all of them in case you missed something.