It's Xmas!

Meri Kirihimete! Or more appropriately since I'm in Mexico "Feliz Navidad"! I have a gift for languages*.

Since it's Xmas Day and I am on a cruise ship, in a food coma, about to have a shipboard romance** and in a bathing suit***, I wish you all the best and thank you for reading. Have a great day all...

*It's kind of a one phrase gift. Which means I can travel internationally. But not very successfully.
**Actually one of these things is not true. Despite best efforts.
***It's a known fact that you can't write while in a bikini. There's nowhere to put your pen.

It's The Day Before Xmas!

I amended a Christmas classic...I'm probably going to hell:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house cruise ship

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. (I hope not, I paid good money for this and "no mice" was included).

The stockings were hung by the chimney out the porthole with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there (or anyone really, as long as they have gifts. And cake).

The children (I think at 40, that’s pushing it a bit) were nestled all snug in their beds berths (and a bit hot because it’s not exactly snowing out on the Ocean in Mexico),

While visions of sugar-plums (and cake) danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap (please tell me they had something else on),

Had just settled our brains (settled your brains?  Inside or outside of your head?  T’was the night before Zombie Christmas?) for a long winter’s nap (for goodness sake, you’re not bears).

When out on the lawn ocean there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed berth to see what was the matter (not really, when things get dodgy, I get under the bed berth).

Away to the window porthole I flew like a flash (if by flash, you mean I rolled out of bed and crawled over with a short nap along the way, then yes),

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (not your regular porthole, clearly).

The moon on the breast (breast - hee hee) of the new-fallen snow/ocean

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer (clearly still drunk from earlier).

With a little old driver, so lively and quick (he’s little and old, I think quick is hardly the word),

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles (feel strongly this is stretching it) his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! (I think we're all ignoring the elephant reindeer in the room.  Where is Rudolph?  Suspect Prancer has something to do with it)

To the top of the porch poop deck! To the top of the wall ship!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all broken hip!" (Well, I needed it to rhyme)

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly (I think that’s a different cruise.  I didn’t sign up for that),

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house cruise ship top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys (and cake), and St Nicholas too (who was full of cake and making it really quite tiring for the reindeer).

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof deck

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof neck (necks typically don’t make as much of a sound as hooves but they do in this poem and quite frankly, who knows what kind of sound a neck makes when it hits a deck.  Probably a bit crunchy.  And painful.  And not a good way to land).

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney smoke stack St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur (and looking a bit sweaty because again, not cold or snowy), from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (So, I said don’t come any closer because you’re making a mess on the rug).

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back (and it was pretty obvious there wasn’t enough for everyone which was making things a little awkward),

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! (I wish I had dimples)

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! (Reminds me of the time I informed my mother that I had a lovely “peaches and cream” complexion and she corrected me with a “No, you’re just ruddy.”)

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (because he was freakin’ old).

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, (maybe something to consider giving up for the New Year?)

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath (and made everyone cough and he was asked to leave and go to the smoking section).

He had a broad face and a little round belly (well, who doesn’t?),

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly! (Mmm, jelly.)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (hang on, Santa was an elf?  I think this is news to everyone)

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. (Not true, he looked a little shifty dodgy to me)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, (not up it)

And giving a nod, up the chimney smoke stack he rose! (And it was very hot and burned him badly)

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, (none of them responded initially so he had to do it again and yell at them)

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. (Thistles are prickly, this seems like a bad example)

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

I don't know where I'm going to put my new car - do you think they'll let me drive it around the poop deck*? I'm going to eat one of everything.

I hope my gifts have arrived. I'm sorry I ate the good parts. If you got a dictionary from me, it's because of your Facebook posts. You're welcome.

*Is too a real deck.

It's The Day Before The Day Before Xmas!

I'm on a boat. Sailing to Mexico. I am very international. I'm going to come back with the following:

1. A tan
2. A complete grasp of the Spanish Language
3. A Xmas belly
4. My own personal pinata, filled with chocolate, diamonds and a car.
5. Bootleg Tequila*.
6. A baby
7. A baby burrito
8. A zacahuil** - just going to pop it in my suitcase***
9. Chihuahua's from Chihuahua for everyone of my friends. Going to ask for bulk discount. Then pop them in the post.
10. A contract to be a cabaret singer on a cruise ship.****

*Or I might just buy some. I don't want to get arrested in Mexico. They're very threatened by New Zealand so I probably wouldn't last long in prison. Also, I don't know where to get bootleg tequila, I'm not sure of the quality and it just seems easier to buy it...also I don't like it.
**A Mexican tamale, three feet long and weighing about 150 pounds. I might get a dozen.
***Same with the baby. Burrito goes in my handbag for easy access.
****Let's be realistic. The other things probably aren't going to happen.

Decorating Your House At Xmas Time

This is how I decorate my house at Xmas time. I took it at night so you could get the full impact.

That's me on the right.  I turned on my Xmas lights. Also I mostly just call them "my lights".

I'm getting on a cruise ship on Sunday but because I am super amazing and organized,* I have already written all of next week's posts.  You don't want to miss out because they are awesome**.  I'm pretty sure that the interweb is not on the ocean so I'm going to need you to go and look at the posts yourself without a reminder from me on Facebook.  I promise it'll be worth it***.  akaspecialk.blogspot.com - don't make me ask you again.

*My words.
**My opinion
***Not actually true

Ugly Stuff I Have Made and Then Gifted. Sorry.

• Beer can wreath

Who am I kidding - I didn't give this to anyone, this is pure genius.  As was the Pabst beer one I made and gave to the UPS guy.  Tis the season for giving. Also, it was broken.

Hi - don't look at the stain on the floor.  It's your imagination.

• Knitted hats - I basically just knit rows and rows of straight lines and then safety pin the ends together and tuck the top over.  And call it a hat.  That comes untucked. Frequently.  It's not a very good hat. Or knitting.  I hope you never receive one of these. 

There's some gaps...

I wanted to knit one of these for Albert but I'm not that good.  Also he said no.

But only because wool makes him itchy

• A hand-drawn picture.  This is actually the perfect gift.  It's very cheap and people have to appreciate it. Even if it's a bit shit.  Which mine is not. 

Those are hands, not pom poms. My drawing skills have really improved from last week.

• Anyone from NZ that's around my age (which is 25) made a wooden spatula at woodwork class. You did it at Intermediate (middle school) and then again at high school so if there are multiple kids in your family, you will not run out for years.  These make lovely gifts.  Year after year.

Actually I bought this one. I ran out of home made ones.  The end had an accident.

• One year I had the bright idea of buying a really nice glass for my Uncle Bob.  Mum took me to a store and I picked out a lovely little sherry glass.  Not a set. Just the one.  I was on a budget.  I was 8.  In hindsight, it wasn't the most useful gift.  Especially if you had company over.

These are not the only gifts I have bestowed on people. There are others that are much worse. Sadly, I did not take pictures so I will slowly be recreating them in order to share with you.

The best gift idea ever was the scratchies and lottery tickets that Dad gave all of us.  "To SpecialK and her father".  Smart man - covered his bases...

An Amendment to Yesterday's Post

Apparently there are some amendments/clarifications that I needed to make to yesterday's Naughty and Nice lists.

1. Retraction: To the certain nameless person that did not sign contracts when they were supposed to, even though the contract was for them and I went out of my way to make sure they were legally covered. You know who you are. Thanks for signing your contract. You are no longer fired, however you are still on probation and the "do not fly" list. Let's try a little harder in the New Year - no?
2. Replacement: The hammer that landed on my foot - you have been replaced by the drill that stabbed me in the toe.  I suspect collusion but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
3. No Change: Parking Nazi person - you're right where you belong.  Forever
4. Niceness: I was exceptionally nice yesterday so I now have a new pretty dress
5. Addition: Cookies - sorry, I totally forgot about you, you should have come after cake.
6. Switch: The Sons of Anarchy.  Apparently this is a TV show and not real so seemed a little unfair
7. Dual Representation: Am putting myself on the naughty list.  In hindsight, I have done some bad things this year - did not work-out every day, did not share my cake, said bad words to other drivers and some other stuff that I can't talk about.  For fear of arrest and my mother's disappointment.

My Naughty and Nice Lists*

Naughty List - if you are on this, you will probably get a sharp stick in the eye. And not from me. From karma. 

1. Parking Nazi person**
2. The dog that attacked Albert
3. The hammer that landed on my foot
4. North Korea
5. Certain nameless people that do not sign contracts when they are supposed to, even though the contract is for them and I have gone out of my way to make sure they are legally covered. You know who you are. Fired.
6. The age 40. Not "a 40", that's perfectly acceptable, especially when drunk out of a paper bag.
7. The last 20lbs.  
8. Blinds***
9. Unicorns - everyone else thinks you're so great but quite frankly, until I see you in person, I prefer Pegasus.
10. Albert.  I'm going to need you to start cleaning up after yourself.  And maybe you could think about getting a job?
11. Running
12. The Sons of Anarchy. I mean I think they're trying but still a lot of killing going on.
13. Karma.  For poking me in the eye with a sharp stick.
14. Wooden floors. Next year, I am not mopping you at all****.  
15. The dogs that live upstairs.  Hi - are you wearing high heels? 
16. Landlords that sell my house.
17. AT&T - I hate that I am paying you for an internet connection that works on a whim.  I would replace you with Time Warner but I just replaced them with you.  Only one of us is happy about that.
18. The orchid that a friend bought for me. It died on purpose.
19. My neighbor who must always do the following (a) watch TV with all windows open, regardless of the temperature (b) watch TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go (c) watch TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go and always playing the Bourne Ultimatum which I now know word for word even with all my windows closed (d) when not watching TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go and always playing the Bourne Ultimatum which I now know word for word even with all my windows closed, playing video games so all I hear is "bang, bang, bang, RELOAD!"
20. The smoke alarm in my hallway. It's always on duty. Especially when nothing is happening.
21. The California Lottery Commission. We had a deal.

Nice List - just because you're on this list it doesn't mean you're getting a gift. It just means you've been very good and I am rewarding you with the gift of my friendship. Or in the case of number 2, I am just going to eat you.

1. Me. Duh. If you would like to contest this.  Don't.  You'll get moved straight up to the list above for 2 years unless you complete the exemption paperwork. In which case I will review at a special hearing but it doesn't look good for you.
2. Cake
3. My fan. Mum.
4. Puppies and or kittens.
5. Albert. Even if you don't vacuum, that was a delicious cup of tea you brought me*****
6. Schmistine - although I suspect she is the reason that Santa has a naughty list.
7. Harry the crossing guard at work. He always compliments me on my outfit except for that one time when he said I looked like a Swedish Pumpkin.  Granted it was Halloween, I am blonde and I was wearing an orange shirt.  I would have preferred Swedish leek. More willowy.
8.  My imaginary boyfriend. He's lovely. He thinks I'm amazing. I tend to agree.
9. California Lottery Commission - lets do this.
10. Vacation - we should do this more often.
11. My nieces.  2 of my favorite people in the world.  They're always on this list even when they're naughty because that's just for their parents and I don't have to deal with it.
12. Pretty dresses - I reward myself with one of these every time I'm nice.  I now have two.
13. That's it. I think the fact that the naughty list is longer is very indicative of the world we live in today. It's a shame.

*I think they use Santa's list for determining who gets into heaven and hell. Seems like it would be a time saving.
**See previous post where I was unjustly ticketed. But don't worry, I think I mortally wounded his soul when I shouted "...and your uniform doesn't even look very good on you. Your pants are too short, your shirt too tight and it needs tailoring. So there!"
***Again see previous post. Blinds will drive you to drink
****Don't come and visit me.  My floors are dirty
*****Pumping him up, he was a little down after he read the naughty list. He can't actually make tea.