Things I Love About My New Place

•  My bathroom basin and tap fixture. You could wash a baby in here. Or a cat. Since I don't have a baby, cat's going in. Nope. Bad idea. Terrible idea in fact. He didn't appreciate the aesthetics as much I did and I didn't appreciate how much he didn't want a bath.

#bleedingseverely

• My chandeliers - mostly because they look completely out of place. My hallway chandelier is in a hallway space about the size of "I just opened the door and I'm in the hallway but if take one step in any direction, I'm already in another room." 

Because who doesn't need a chandelier in their bathroom?

 

• My dishwasher - after two and half years of not having one, I didn't think I would care. I do. I put everything in here. Not the cat though. I learned my lesson. 

Next in - Thanksgiving Turkey. It's important to wash the bird and pat him dry.  So just a rinse cycle.

•  My kitchen and bathroom floor.  I like that they match. Also that they are small and take ten minutes to clean.  I can afford ten minutes every two months.

My toenails match my dishwasher.  It's a new thing, accessorize with your appliances...

• My walk-in wardrobe.  Walk-in but don't move. It's a little tight.  I think they over-sold it.  More of a cupboard.  And god forbid you should try and get dressed in my walk-in wardrobe.  You'll give yourself a hernia.

 

• Extreme organization.  You can look but don't touch.  It's packed in pretty tightly and the slightest movement could cause it all to collapse.  Granted, it's not exactly usable but I know where everything is. 

Dear Burglars, you can see I have nothing of value.

 

Update To Friday Friday

Ok, turns out his name is not Ebola, it's Evola. Which is like Ebola but not as dangerous. I'm disappointed - the weekend is ruined.

Friday, Friday

*Like Monday, Monday but better.

Boys are stupid. The End.

On another note, I'm going to turn on the gas heater today. Pretty sure I need a lighter or some sort of open flame. If it doesn't work, I'll either be blown up or will have no heat. Which is fine because LA is having a mini heat wave. The blown up part is not as fine but I will likely not be very concerned with anything at that point. Also, I just found out the building manager's last name is Ebola. There is so much I want to do with that...

On yet another note, my house is not clean and ready for the weekend which is the opposite of what I had planned on Monday. I'll spend today contemplating this. But doing nothing about it.

And just one more note - I have no more notes.

Hard Lessons I Have Learned

• Pickles and yoga - not ideal. Not before or during. Possibly after.
• A chair on top of a stool is a questionable decision. Especially with a light bulb tucked securely in your bra.
• Unlimited pancakes, ribs, fries and soda will only end badly. And financially, it never works out.
• Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Pop it in your pocket and zip it shut.
• Plan only for yourself. You're less likely to be unreliable than others. Does that sound bitter? Good.
• When a cat reaches a certain age, they are less than keen on getting in the shower with you. I Imagine children are much the same.
• Don't move house on your own. Get rich first and then pay people to do it.
• An eighth of a tank of gas is not something to gamble on. Even if you did careful mathematical calculations.  You can use those same mathematical calculations to calculate how far you'll have to walk to get to a gas station.
• The mirror in clothing stores is nothing but a liar.
• Balancing something, even for a second, will always result in breakage or spillage. 
• Just five more minutes in the sun was five minutes too much.  Same goes for just one more drink. And one more drink with just five more minutes in the sun should not be attempted by anyone.  Not even a ninja.
• You might be able to get into those jeans but you will then have to have intestinal surgery.
• Parking Nazi's are immune to all tales of woe.  You could lose both your legs and therefore be unable to move your car but if they've started writing that ticket, there is nothing, not even an act of God, that can stop it going through.
• There is always someone funnier, smarter and more beautiful than you.  Except if you are me.

The Deep Dish* On Chicago

*Get it? I made a pizza joke. An ironical pizza joke. Nothing? I made a funny. Wow. Tough crowd.

If you have been following along, you'll know that the final stage of my trip was Chicago for the slaughtering of the USA Eagles rugby team by the New Zealand All Blacks. I don't want to dwell on this too much. But I will. It was a disaster for America. A tiny nation nailed you to the wall. Personally, I'm a little mortified that we let you score 6 points. But then we scored 74 so I felt better. Even better than us kicking arse (well equally as good), I got to hang out with a friend and made her deny her American-ness so she could be on our side. I was surrounded by Kiwis which only ever happens to me in New Zealand and I made friends. I just don't remember them. 

That's not the sun behind me.  It's more of a halo...the halo of winners

But this is about Chicago. I would post pictures but you can't see anything because it's TOO DAMN COLD. That's right, cold affects pictures** so I took some mental ones. Damn, I look good. In my new gloves. How do people live in this? No one*** looks good (except me) because you're all bundled up in layers - you have to wear flats because you don't want to fall over in the snow and then once you get inside, you start baking. So you start to take layers off and then you reach that one layer that shouldn't be shown in public, that you thought you wouldn't get down to. So you have to try and replace that layer with a layer you took off and now you have dislocated your shoulder. Chicago is dangerous.

The Magnificent Mile looked impressive, I hit a Magnificent Meter of it.  I got side-tracked with warm cafes.  I should probably go back in the Summer.  Summer is more my thing. 

I did experience some of the Mid-West hospitality. From New Zealanders. This very nice man bought me my Shepherd's Pie. I met up with a school friend that I hadn't seen since high school. On second thought, no big deal cos that was only a couple of years ago. He also bought my dinner. Then this other guy bought me a drink and paid for my taxi back to my hotel. I basically spent no money in Chicago. It's true, the people there are very nice. And generous.

**I took a great picture of the Wrigley Tower, leaning back to get all of it in. What I got was hot tea in my face. I forgot I was holding my cup. See what the cold does to you?
***I did see a couple of girls who thought it more important to wear a mini dress with no sleeves and no coat. When you take warmth over looks, it's a sign that you're getting older. And sensibler.

What To Do When Your Flight Gets Cancelled - An UnHelpful Guide

If your flight gets cancelled and the cancellation will result in you missing an important event/meeting/dying grandmother as well as causing issues with hotel bookings in the city you are flying to, missing connections and unknown whereabouts of luggage, then you are entitled to do the following:

1. Cry. Violently. In the middle of the airport. Possibly even a little stamping of feet. But make sure people are watching.
2. Have a cupcake. You have been dealt an unfair blow through no fault of your own. You are entitled to recompense in the form of cake. While this won't help the immediate situation, you can later sue the airline for making you fat. Also, cupcakes are delicious, quite soothing and allow you the chance to calmly think over your next move.
3. Simultaneously call the airline and go to their Service Desk to make your feelings known. Don't worry about acting like a grown-up or being polite, it will get you nowhere. You need to go "full toddler" with your grievance.  You must demand that they inform the wind to stop blowing a howling gale.  You must convince them to take you up on your suggestion to fly the damn plane yourself.  
4. Upon being offered an alternative flight at no cost to yourself, possibly even a hotel room for the night, you must demand the penthouse suite, water flown in from an underground spring in Iceland and grapes.  Grapes say I'm sorry like no other fruit can.  A banana says 'up yours' and an apple says 'I'm not sorry at all, this took no effort whatsoever.'
5. Tell everyone you know about your desperate plight but any suggestions of help or advice are always wrong and impossible.

However, if your flight gets cancelled and they get you on a new one on the same day and all that happens is you have to hang around the airport for a bit longer, then you are entitled to do 1 through 3.  You can tone it down a little and you probably don't need a back-up cupcake.

Just some behavior I witnessed recently when my flight was cancelled.  I'll try and behave better next time...

Advanced Education

Have received my Degree/PhD from Harvard after just three days there. Can you say child protege? More or less. Maybe less of the child part. Is there such a thing as adult protege? I think that's what I am. Or an idiot savant. Or just part of that...

They got some wording wrong.  So I fixed it...

And left some stuff out...