Stuff That Is Supposed To Happen When You Do Things Differently...

...but does not seem to apply to me.  

1. Give up sugar they said - you'll have tons of energy and after 10 days you won't even miss it. I miss it. I'm very tired. Just going to have a little 7 or so cupcakes to get my energy level back up so I can quit sugar again.
2. Workout they said, you'll be able to eat anything you like. Technically true. You can eat anything you like, you'll just be fat while working out. 
3. Get up and meditate in the mornings, they said, it'll change your life. Well, it doesn't change the desire to not want to get up in the morning so I'm not sure. To date, I've been unable to get up and do it. But I bet it's amazing. I'll have Albert do a trial run first. 
4. Be a free spirit they said, do what makes you happy. Conceptually good idea, hard to explain in a disciplinary meeting. 
5. Be authentic, they said. Great, now you are authentic, still single and somewhat embarrassed by the authenticity of your authentic outburst.
6. Follow your heart, they said.  This I like, unfortunately my stomach is louder than my heart and over-ruled so now I'm loving some delicious fries...
7. Save your money for a rainy day, they said.  Well, don't live in Portland then.
8. Get back on the horse, they said.  Why would I get back on a horse that clearly wants me off and thinks I have no business being on it.  Suspect this is a euphemism for not giving up and trying again.  Well I have gotten back on the horse many times and I think it's time to know one's limitations and take the car instead.
9. Wear a tight skirt, they said.  It'll drive the men wild.  I think I got a broken skirt.  Men seem to be having no problem at all resisting it.  I have seen very little "wild"
10. Be more positive, they said.  No, I don't think that's going to work.