Terrible Accidents That Have Happened To Me

When candles fight...

Suicidal Orchid

Day is ruined

Game over.

 

Before photo of cat vomit on bathmat. For the sake of those with weaker stomachs, I won't post the after photo. Just know that the bathmat doesn't look like this anymore. Also, was probably not an accident...

Face-off between leather(ish) skirt and open drawer. 

 Drawer: 1. Skirt: 0. 

Kirsten:10 - Full refund.  Don't argue with me.

No comment - you know who you are.

Ceramic cheese knife vs. waste disposal

Does not double as eyelash curler.

The car is ruined.

Tossed phone onto the couch, bounced off 3 walls, hit a lamp and killed a small child

Bugger*

* Just kidding - he's not dead.

More Bold Claims and Signs

A lot of you are probably wondering - given that I work in the technology field - what kind of fancy digital camera I use for taking all my photos.  I call it my iphone.  Also you may be surprised to hear that I have no assistants and many of my photos are taken with my other hand.  Extensive training with Albert on when to push the button has resulted in a nap.  He's not good with buttons.

Not a bold claim.  Just 4 bison.  Because I liked them and it's my blog.

This never gets old.

Not true - there was a black and red one in the window.

Dear Pinks - who is making it "special" for you?  Aren't you making them?  Isn't it your hot dog stand?  Is there some unnamed third party that deserves all the Pink's kudos? Shouldn't it be that they are made "specially" for you or did that not fit on the sign? Or do you mean they are made "special" because you give each hot dog a lot of love?  This sign is very unclear to me.  I'm going need one of each to verify the signage.  With fries*.

*Very small print so that my trainers don't see it. Fries are naughty.

Did not change life.

Unclear as to which type of funk is being referred to.  It did seem a bit depressed and the man peeing in the corner helped give it a funky smell.  No sign of James Brown

I checked.  There was no magic.

Bigger and better than what?  A little short on details.  Note: This is the same store that promised magic so already I am skeptical about the validity of this claim.

You can't see all the writing but it says "Indian Cucina / California Accents".  So it's a blend of Indian/Italian/Californian cuisine which sounds like something I've never had before...

Only a sucker falls for this sort of deal**.

**Actually a good deal.

No work. No money. No nothing.

I did this.  Then I lifted a car off a child.  Then someone asked if I was 25.  I said yes. Next time will put clothes back on before attempting car thing.

Did not appear to be the ultimate.  Photo Bomb: Level McDonalds.

It occurred to me that I may get a bunch of free stuff from companies if I post their signs and demand verification.  Will add that to blog stats updates. Things I do not want from any of these signs:

• Farts
• Funk
• Venereal Disease***
• Meth***

***See previous post

How To Recognize When Online Dating Has Gone Wrong

These are guidelines only...

1. When you meet someone on an online dating site and you arrange your first date and then he calls and asks if you can pick him up because he can't drive because he has a DUI - this is known as a red flag and you should abort.
2. If however, you don't because of some misguided feeling that people deserve a second chance and you go to their house to pick them up and they are taking a nap - you should abort.
3. So, now you've woken them up and you're waiting for them to shower and get ready and they come out in a towel to show you their guns and flex for you. You should abort.
4. If you still persist in seeing this thing through, you drive to the "special" place they have selected for your first date. And you roll into the Denny's parking lot and you should abort. Not that you have anything against Denny's but when there are 1600 restaurants in the US alone, it doesn't feel so special.
5. Now you're here and you're in the heart of the date and it's time to start getting to know each other. So he shows you his collection of pictures of himself on his phone. Abort, abort!
6. Despite the rocky start and the realization that it's not going to go anywhere, you mentally congratulate yourself on getting out there and making an effort to start dating and he hits you up for a loan. For a new car. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and you abort. Out the window.

Bold Claims - Signage Gone Wrong

Nothing says "Welcome" like barbed wire

Claim Verified: No

I'll tell you what it can't do, it can't make a blog pay your bills...

Claim Verified: No

Do not actually clean crowns.  Or tiaras

Claim Verified: No

If by "Majestic you mean "ordinary and same as everywhere else", then yes.

 Claim Verified: See above

 

Never heard of them in New Zealand.  Therefore, not world-famous

Claim Verified: No

Very true - I tried soliciting and I was asked to leave

Claim Verified: Yes

This building is very smart - it "allegedly" has a PhD.  Unclear in what field

Claim Verified: No

So I did and now I can't fit in these jeans.

Claim Verified: No

For the alcoholic in your life.  Unable to substantiate claim that recovery gifts were indeed "InStyle" as I have no one to purchase for...

Claim Verified: No

Marketing Campaign: Level No.

Claim Verified: Afraid to

I'm sorry, I didn't know we were doing this together.  I wasn't paying attention...

Claim Verified: No

I think they could have safely left out the "sex" part and still come to the same conclusion...

Claim Verified: Not in person because I'm not allowed to do meth but I'm going to say yes

I'm not sure how you measure this.  It was right next store to Gay Frisbee which seemed to be giving it a run for its money.

Claim Verified: No

Well which is it - shoe repair or keys?

Claim Verified: No

Difficulty of Reverse: High.  Duration of Reverse: Long.  Honking of Horns: Unnecessary.  We all know what we did...

Claim Verified: Yes

Do not actually clean villages.  And do not find it amusing to be asked...

Claim Verified: No

I checked and they clean other stuff too.

Claim Verified: Yes

As opposed to "Work Time Liquor" or "Day Time Liquor" or "Quiet Time Liquor"? 

Claim Verified:Yes

Hah! A Likely Story*. 

*Might actually be a likely story as unable to translate...

Are these the things you can get at this clinic?

Claim Verified: No - because I didn't want to try

"The Last Great Hamburger Stand"

I think not - this is right across the street and it has customers...

Claim Verified: No

Hi.  Come someone come and get me.

Claim Verified: Yes

Umm, looks above ground to me...

Claim Verified: No

More like: SQUEEZE BODY IN. JUST DO UP TOP BUTTON. TRY NOT TO MOVE. NOD SLOWLY. CRY

Claim Verified: No

It's the Weekend!

I don't work weekends

Words of Wisdom and Other Stuff I Made Up

A Poem I wrote*:
String is a very important thing
Rope is thicker but string is quicker
* A lie.

A Beauty Tip:
If you have fat ankles, there is nothing I can do for you.

Building Confidence:
Sometimes you just have to give yourself a compliment. "Damn, self, you got nice eyes"

Dating Tip:
You can't make someone love you, you can only stalk them and hope for the best. Also, it's not really stalking if you're just waiting for them to realize how perfect you are together.

Exercise Reality:
I'm not coming into work today because I did squats yesterday

How to Make up with Someone:
I'm sorry we fought, I hate it when you're wrong

Fact:
Even though you have all tile and wood floors - the cat will throw up on the bath mat.

Dietary Advice:
Instead of milk with my tea, I use wine and then also instead of my tea, I use wine

Shopping Fact:
When you go to Target, you will spend a lot of money on things you didn't know you needed.And you will regret it once you get home but you will be too lazy to take anything back. You should start a "Things I Bought At Target" closet.

Safety Tip:
Always make sure the elevator is there before stepping in

Advice:
Don't do it. I did it and now I'm very, very sorry.

Fact:
4 out of 3 people struggle with Mathematics

Beauty Tips for Hands

I invented something last night. It was pretty easy. I don't know why people make such a fuss about Einstein and the like, I just sat down and thought of it. Reminds me of the first time I played golf - don't know why people think Tiger's so great, it was easy. Take your stick out, hit a ball and get as many points as you can. I can get 100 points on 9 holes, no problem.

So here it is - for those of you that are getting a bit long in the tooth, a bit mutton dressed as lamb, a bit past your best, I have a useful beauty tip for your hands. As you age, your hands start to get more wrinkled and even though your face may look young, your hands can be a dead giveaway that quite frankly, you're old.

Luckily I have an easy solution that requires no purchase of expensive creams, no hand exercise machines, no hand make-up and no painful surgery. Simply curl your hand into a claw-like shape and watch the skin grow taught, eliminating all wrinkles. Continue to hold it like that forever.

Obviously there will be times when you forget but eventually you will adapt and be able to perform all your daily tasks with a claw-hand. Rest-assured no one will suspect your real age now. I cannot however, do anything for your ugly old face...although who knows what next great idea will drop into my head.  I'm very well-educated on stuff I make up.

Note the difference as you browse through your library - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Hand approve of the claw-hand. Also Harry Potter and Half-Blood Hand.  I can go on...

Cooking now looks more elegant and the claw-hand* provides excellent grippage which is most definitely a word.  Side note: A lot of people cry when they are cutting and cooking onions.  The trick is to not form an emotional bond.

Typing with an old wrinkled hand is so unappealing to your co-workers. Why not be productive and attractive?

As you can see typing with a claw-hand allows for an excellent command of the keyboard, with minimal errors and lovely line to the hand

Wrap your claw-hand around your fork and enjoy your meal knowing your hands look youthful

Watch how the cat recoils at the touch of the old, wrinkled hand

See how the cat thrives under the touch of the claw-hand

Update: Have just looked up claw-hand and found that it's also known as "Spinster's Claw" which is not at all where I wanted this to go. Disregard the above. 

*No hand models were hurt in the filming of this segment. They weren't paid either.