Names I would Name the Children I Don't Have

I'm bound to offend someone with this. I thought about apologizing. And then I thought, no.

1. Twins - Beryl and Trevor
2. Albert Nigel. Because this is already proven to be a great name. Then I would have Albert Nigel the cat and Albert Nigel the imaginary child. Who could be boy or girl since I think the names are gender neutral. Albert is a lovely girls name. Bert for short.
3. Doctor. This will make my imaginary kid sound super smart. First day of school - "Doctor Finlayson?" "Here." Those other kids won't stand a chance.
4. Shifty Dodger (could either be hyphenated or a first and second name)
5. Dodgy Shifter (same as above)
6. Vegas - this will be the one time where what happened in Vegas is pretty frickin' obvious.
7. Cinderella - what little girl doesn't want to be named after a princess?  Only see this as an issue if it's a boy...
8. Cheese.  Cos I love cheese.  I also love peanut butter but that would be mean and my imaginary kid would probably get teased a lot.  By its imaginary friends.
9. I think I will have 9 imaginary children (surprisingly, it's not as hard as the real thing.  Apparently).  2-8 will just be chronological order e.g. 2nd, 3rd etc.  
10. 4Real.  Banned in New Zealand but I live in America!  Apparently the story behind this is that when the father found out that they were expecting, he cried out "4real!" in complete surprise.  Not "for real" like you might expect.  And there was no zed added on as in "4realz".  Which is a shame.  Other banned names included Anal, Christ, Messiah , Mr, *, Majesti (nice creative spelling there) and Juztice (also showing good use of the "Z").  

We're a fairly unique country but not alone - Sweden also banned Superman and Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.  Which looks like what Albert typed in an email to his grandmother last night. When he lay down on the keyboard to do it...

Taking Stock...

Since it's Monday and that means the end of the world has arrived, I thought I would take stock of all the things I have recently failed at*.

1. Being a "Crazy Cat Lady". I only have one - the prerequisite is 2 or more. And he's not really a cat. More of a small dog/child/eyeless creature.
2. Building a kibbutz. Although to be fair, I only just thought of doing that now.
3. That's all.

*Yes, I know, your normal, regular person looks at their successes but I am neither normal or regular and I think you learn more from your failures. For instance, I will not try them again since I clearly can't do them. Important lesson - know your limits.

For those that need a visual aid, can't read or got bored...

Why Friday Why?

Why you gotta be like Monday, Friday?

You know it's going to be a bad day when you leave your house on your way to work and fall down the stairs, landing on the concrete in front of a group of kids on their way to school, all the people walking their dog and most of your neighborhood. Good news is, the computer is still intact and only bounced a little*. Bad news, dress came up over head and was wearing a thong. Good news, only half the people saw that. Bad news, no one clapped.

You know how people always say "it's not as bad as it looks"?  Well I think this is worse than it looks.  I may not make it and it's definitely all over for the knee.

Going to go to the doctor and ask for this.

This is the only way to save the knee.  And contain the bleeding**.  And associated trauma.  Partly from the dress/thong thing.

*Not mine anyway so felt it was perfectly ok to use it to break my fall.
**Update: the bleeding stopped.  Actually stopped about a minute after the initial impact.  I might have over-reacted.

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 3

And so we come to the end of my experiment. I'm a little sad that I won't be waking up to anymore gems but thankful that none of them got my number.

These fine gentlemen seem to be locationally challenged.

Oh good.  You go there and I'll continue to stay here in LA.  Where I live.  Which is what it says on my profile.  Auckland is short on pianists.  It'll be perfect for you.

Well isn't that nice and convenient. Only a 2-3 hour drive for me to go and meet you. 

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't post pictures but this was just asking to be shared.  First of all, this is Take 2 - his first one was the same pose minus the underwear until the "powers-that-be" got wise and removed it.  He had six more just like this.  For an added bonus, read his profile below.

Not only is he gifted in areas, he is also good at most things.  Unfortunately he's looking for someone that is honest and sweet.  It would never work.

He wants nice, slow, honest conversation.  Sounds like a long evening.

This man is definitely the smartest of the lot.  I hate to disagree with him.  So I won't.

On the one hand, he's giving me a compliment.  On the other hand...

I wonder if I get additional bonus points to add to the "no kids" thing if I can actually swim.  Which I can.  We all learn how to in New Zealand - just in case we fall off our island.

I hate to reveal his user name because now you'll all want to date him.  Probably because of his ability to use logic.

This one totally threw me for a loop - his ability to string sentences together is marginal.  And I quote "Hello me meet to real me..." Seems clear.  And then he threw "scintilla" in there.  Where did he pluck scintilla from and actually use it in the right context? Followed closely by "...and a bit of classic rock would be as fine as in the book of yours."  Whose book?  What book are we talking about? 

I know he asked that I not judge him and I'm trying not to, this is more of a question.  Are you saying you have your kids name tattooed on your face?  Or your kids face tattooed on you?  In an undisclosed location.  Thanks for not judging nobody...

I think it's clear that my options are limited...

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 2

The good news is that I will never run out of material. The bad news is I can't stand it any longer so my month long experiment is nearly over with.

This very charming Indian gentleman has some great theories on why I am single.  I agree with him.  Although he left out "stupid."

He goes on to provide us all with some valuable information on Indian cell phone rates.  I think if we all bundle our plans we might be able to get a group discount.  Who's with me?

I guess he watched a lot of "Friends" and thought if it worked for Joey, it might work for him.  It didn't.

Look, I'm willing to look past a missing "g" and hope that "huging" isn't actually a thing.  I'll even accept that man-sized fingers caused him to write completely nonsensical stuff.  What I'm struggling with is the lean meat comment.  Also that seems like a lot of meat.  Right?  Is that on top of his non-lean meat?  Should I ask for a complete breakdown?

Isn't it illegal to use lines like this? 

No.  Feel that he's not entirely sold on me. He needs to see more so he can make up his mind.  FYI - both my photos clearly show me and my face, there is no blurring, sunglasses or pictures of things that are not of me for them to be confused about...wish I could say the same for most of theirs.  For the record, I was not sold on him from his very first picture.  Or his extremely interesting description of riding dirt bikes for fun.

Do the capital letters mean something?  Am I to be his Only Friend?  He seems to have a very non-discriminate use of capitals.  Which when read with emphasis on the said capitals, sounds quite extreme. 

I've never been "defiantly" kissed.  Does anyone have any experience with that?  Sounds like maybe I said no to a kiss and he did it anyway.  Also, Santa Barbara is a bit of a drive....

I must say, I think it's very nice that if he had a sweater he would give it to me.  However he's quite emphatic that only IF we had fun would he ask me out again.  Stands to reason.

Keep it simple, people. 

Right, because demanding things always works well with me...

I'm not sure where to even start with this one.  Seems like he starts out unsure how to talk about himself and then manages to.  Not coherently but maybe it made sense in his head.  This is his first time in line.  For reals.

He goes on to add...well, a bunch more stuff that doesn't sense.

So, this is going well.  These all seem very promising.

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 1

Every now and again I go back to try Online Dating so I can gather more evidence to prove that it's a failure and because it gives me such great blog material. This time was no exception. To be honest, it's probably 96% my fault and 112% theirs. Also, I won't date anyone that isn't as good at Math as me.

Now before anyone gets all upset, let me just point out:

1. I have carefully preserved everyone's anonymity by covering up photos, numbers, screen names, email addresses etc and I won't reveal the actual dating company/app. However if you recognize your own comment/profile, consider this a public service - my advice might actually help in which case you owe me money and your first-born.
2. I am not poking fun at the people for whom English is a second language - obviously they won't always get the correct turn of phrase but these are American-born men...
3. These are screenshots of actual responses to my profile and the profiles of men that would like to meet me.
4. There are a lot of men who want to go walking on the beach.  At sunset (very few interested in sunrise so I suspect they are lazy).  So, if you are single, I suggest you go walk on the beach - apparently like shooting fish in a barrel...

Here are some example of ones that just aren't going to work:

1929 miles away?  Yes, this sounds like a great start.

Umm.  Maybe?  Translation, please.  Which part of my profile did you take to mean that I spoke Spanish?  The part where I said I speak English?

The best pick-up lines ever...that will never work.  Take note.

No.

I don't like competition.  You lose.  Also, in all your photos you are wearing sunglasses...

Possibly you also landed on your head.

And then these gems...

This gentleman knows what he wants...I also respects learning.  Cos of my good education.

 

Frist.  I am not on www.affluentsingle.com. Because I am not affluent.  Is there a www.doingokbutdon'thaveenoughmoney tobuyeverythingIwant.com?  Because I will be on that one.  And I'm not sure we know each other well enough for you to call me "Dear".  You're not my grandmother.

He has some specific sized clothing for you...also a "simple pat".  I mean who doesn't like a "simple pat" - I know lots of dogs that would love that.

This is the same guy - in addition to his other charms (like dictating what size you should be), he also tips well.  Which is good because that's always number one on my list of things to look for in a man...

First of all, he is right, I am an Angel (although some have called me an Angle - feel that is not as flattering...).  Secondly, I particularly like how he has spelled out the yahoo - dot - com.  Not everyone takes the time to do that these days and it just feels a little more personal.  Thirdly, I'm not sure how he knows I am real and true after reading my profile since I don't have one.  Just 2 pictures, my screen name and general location. 

Happily, I have plenty more - until tomorrow...

Just Have The Conversation

Sometimes we don't want to put ourselves out there and have uncomfortable conversations but at the end of the day, it's better not to hold on to that negative feeling.

With that said, I've just had an interesting conversation with Albert, explaining the concept of consequences. I would say it went quite well with the exception of when he went to sleep and when he went outside. I'm not sure we've had a meeting of the minds, he didn't seem like he totally got it but the first conversation is always the hardest. Sometimes you have to have more than one. Generally it helps if the other person participates.

This is his listening face...