Language...and Texting

I was having a conversation with a friend last week who was passionately trying to explain her approach to managing expectations of certain people and at the end she pointed out that "it's not brain science!" "Damn right", I replied. "I totally agree. And what is Brain Science*?" Turns out it's a combination of "Rocket Science" and "Brain Surgery"** and an on the spot unintentional invention that might have just proven that language and saying the right thing is actually "Rocket Brain Surgery Science."

I've decided that I love Brain Science and I am now working it into every sentence I can. You should too.  Let's start something new. 

Examples:

• Hey Special K, how's your day going? Pretty good, just over here doing some brain science.
• Hi Special K, I'd like to go over your 2014 performance goals. Sure. 1. Do more brain science.
• You have a dentist appointment at 3pm. Well, I sure would like to make that but I have a clash with an appointment to get more brain science.
• What do you prefer - brain science or cake? Brain science says cake***.
• What are you doing? You wouldn't understand, it's brain science.

On a side note, I really wanted to write a post about the way auto-correct screws up what are trying to say in text messages. Except that this never happens to me. So I would be making stuff up and this blog is built on the truth and very little embellishment****. Auto-correct mix-ups are very popular with lots of websites out there and if I wasn't so lazy, I would look them up and list them for you.

And then just when I was thinking this never happened to me, it happened to me. I'm going to tell you right now, it's not even mildy amusing so don't get your hopes up for a hilarious time that will make your day. In fact, just skip right over.

I was texting with my trainer and we were talking about this very blog and I mentioned that I wrote it for me right now, which is good because I'm certainly not writing it for all the money that I'm getting. I explained that it was a comfort to me, which came out as "conifer". Which is clearly not comforting. It's a prickly fir tree. Nothing comforting about that. Mildly ironic and vaguely uninteresting. I'll let you know if I have any more.

*Looked it up on Wikipedia and there were variations but nothing specifically called Brain Science so it clearly is not a thing. Because Wikipedia is like the law.
**The usual go to's for comparing something that's not hard to something that is. In case you are stupid and didn't know this.
***This is the only instance in which you should not mix brain science with something,. It might talk you out of eating cake. And that would be a mistake.
****Very very not true.

Is It Just Me Or....

I was driving home from yoga yesterday and saw this fountain. Maybe it's just me but this seems an odd design for a fountain. I can only hope it doesn't gush forth like a geyser on the hour...

And...discuss.

Bartending...

There are some days when I wake up and I just want to go and be a bartender for a while. Which means I can go back to sleep because my shift is not going to start until at least 5pm. I wouldn't have to think about all my Sourcing and Digital responsibilities, I could just leave at the end of my shift and make a mental note to order more olives the next day.

But I would Source the crap out of those olives. Probably just run a quick RFP, bring them all in for olive demos*, run a reverse auction, beat them down on price and negotiate a contract. Or just go to Ralph's and buy a jar....

I have been a bartender in a prior life and for where I was at that time, I loved it. Work until the wee hours of the morning, staffies** every night, sleep late and repeat. At the high point of my bar career, I could pour one liter jugs of beer from the taps, maintain witty banter and never spill a drop. At the low point, I would spill every drop and at the lowest point, I would have a full bottle of Navy Rum pour out on my head after not screwing the nip pourer in tight enough. 

These are fancy, more secure ones but was a very easy accident to happen and I'm going to say it happened more than once but always with different types of alcohol.  I don't play favorites.

The Prospect of Howick - my first bar job

*If you're wondering what this entails...me too. I would imagine the olive vendors would show correct olive and drink pairings, extol the benefits of pitted versus non-pitted, do some taste tests - which would be useless for me as I would need them to bring some pizza to put under the olives and then I would pick them all off.
**Free drinks with all the staff at the end of the night - we all had Smurf names and failure to use the correct Smurf name would result in having to take a shot.  Messy.  For the record, I was Smurfette.  Yes, I know.  Big surprise.

Hood To Coast

Every year I try and take on a new physical challenge - mostly because I am not sportily* inclined and this is my way of disproving my own theory. Sometimes I am right so I give that up immediately and sometimes I am pleasantly surprised at my ability. Needless to say, I have always managed to complete what I've started. Just not always at the level of "extreme athlete". But as the Nike mantra goes "If you have a body, you are an athlete". Maybe a step down to "sort of sucky athlete" but still an athlete.

In past years, I have run half marathons, learned to pole dance and this year I plan on learning to surf. However one of my most memorable accomplishments was in 2008 when I competed in one of the longest relay races in the world.
 
For those who are unfamiliar with it, Hood to Coast is an overnight, long-distance relay race held in Oregon, annually in late August. It's one of the longest and largest relays in the world with approximately12,600 participants. The first race was in 1982 and the course runs approximately 320 km (200 mi) from Timberline Lodge on the slopes of Mount Hood, through the Portland metropolitan area, and over the Oregon Coast Range to the beach town of Seaside on the Oregon Coast. The course consists of 35 legs and each member of the 6 person team runs 3 legs**

Things that are bad about it:

• You have to run 
• You have to sleep in a field that is the perfect hunting ground for murderers and zombies.  Appropriately the township is called Mist.

Not dead, just sleeping.  Unless they are dead.

• You have to run
• People will overtake you and they will be 100 years old.
• You have to run
• You will over carbo load telling yourself it's a necessity and then pasta will come back and bite you in the arse.  Right while you are running
• You have to run
• There will come a time when you need to use the bathroom*** while you are running and there will be no bathroom so you will duck into what is supposed to be a forest-like area and it will be the saddest example of forestry you have ever seen and the gaps between the trees will be as wide as Alaska and there will be no privacy and you will wait until people have run past before you squat and then because the year you are participating is the year that they are filming a documentary about the race, the film crew will come past.  With their cameras.  It will not be your proudest moment**** 

Things that are good about it:

• You get to spend a lot of time with your close friends.  In a sweaty, stinky van.  After running.  Wrong list.
• You don't have to run the whole way, just three times!  Which is three times too much.
• You can eat many peanut butter sandwiches even though you are allergic to wheat because you need it for energy.  And then there will be an incident like the one above... 
• At the end, they feed you and give you plenty of alcohol.  Which is just what you feel like after running a race and having no sleep.
• There are sand sculptures...   

I did this.  Except for the sand part..

I want to share some of my photos from the race but in order to protect the privacy of my friends who I was too lazy to ask if I could put them up here, I have cleverly camouflaged them.  We were team "Victorious Secret"...

Van 1 at the finish.  Not the best fitting bra's in the world...

Right before you run 5 miles, you should drink Red Bull.  That will be your first and last mistake involving Red Bull.

Here's the Start - our first runner is somewhere else.  The good news is he was listening to some great music and getting amped for the run.  The bad news is, he had his headphones in and missed the start...

I'm not going to name names here but this is a less than manly tattoo, James Steve...

Why, yes that is me running.  I just let him overtake me for the publicity shot and then I totally beat him*****.

Photo Bomb - Level: Me.  In a van.  Also, Liz's hair.

How to exit a van in 100 easy manoeuvres.  This is me but was not a good face.  I think the yellow looks nice...

It's important to stretch.  It's also important to mock someone who is stretching...

And for the finale...Steve Postfontaine

*Turns out this is not a word. But you get my meaning...
**Have done the math and even though I got 9.4, have verified that the above is correct. My calculator must be broken...
***And not for number 1...
****This happened to someone else.  Not me.  My "friend".
*****Not a true story 

Things I Don't Know How To Buy*

• Computers. The good news is I work in Digital Technology. The bad news is, none of it appears to have rubbed off. I know I need GB's and RAM and Space Invaders but that's about it.
• Cars. The important things like heated seats are apparently only important to me. Imagine my joy on discovering that there was also such a thing as heated steering wheels. And then I find myself offering $10,000 more for these assets while the car salesman looks on...somewhat embarrassed by my inability to negotiate off MSRP**.
• Jeans. Does anyone?  This is where you need to take your most honest friend and a sippy cup of alcohol.  You may not be friends at the end of it but you will still have your sippy cup.  And no jeans.
• Mangoes.  Apparently if they're squishy, they're over-ripe.  So I buy the firmer ones.  And surprise, they're hard.  And does anyone know how to cut the stupid things?  Mangoes are all fun and games until you try and buy one.  And then cut one up.  And then eat one.  To summarize: Mangoes are not all fun and games.  

*The good news is that I negotiate for a living.  The bad news is I cannot apply it in my own life.  This is only bad news for me.  Go one, sell me something...you'll get twice what you asked for and a bonus one-eyed cat thrown in for good measure.
**Whatever that is...

Youth Of Today

Over the weekend I met up with my friend Ned (not his real name*), a good friend from home who is in town for a conference. We met at his hotel in downtown LA where interestingly enough the Miley Cyrus concert was happening next door. This is a very nice hotel, however Ned was surprised that there were so many prostitutes hanging around in the lobby. He was even more surprised when I pointed out that they were not prostitutes, just Miley Cyrus concert goers.

Good news for us - 2 hours of quality people watching and building up our list of "What Not To Wear".

• No tutus**
• No leotards - I really wasn't expecting this one. Feel like the skirt might have fallen off in the taxi but she seemed awfully comfortable strolling around the Marriott. Nice sparkly silver jacket though...
• Shorts that don't fit. Seemed very popular item. Must also come up higher than one's crotch. I know, doesn't seem possible. In some cases, it wasn't possible but didn't stop them trying...
• Silver bra.  Apparently a stand-alone item.  Who knew.
• Extreme wedge heels. Which is fine.  As long as you know how to walk in them.  Some very weak ankles out there.  There is a right and wrong way to walk in sky high heels - if you look like a new born calf trying to stand, you're doing it wrong.

*Ironically this is not his real name, however this is what we have always called him so even thought it is an alias, I have now blown his cover. Sorry Ned.
**Maybe I can rock one from time to time but Ned felt it was a little much for him and he might have to shave his legs. I said why bother - they hadn't...

Not Chelsea Handler

Don't even look like her other than we both have blond hair. But have been asked once in New York if I was her. To which I replied (in my New Zealand accent), yes. The fan seemed satisfied that she had seen a celebrity. I waved at her like the Pope and continued buying my lunch.

The other time was when I was walking into work - I walked past the studio where they film Chelsea Lately and there is an enormous poster of her. As I was walking, one of the Studio Tour trams came by and the announcer announced that there was Chelsea Handler standing outside her studio. A lot of people have a lot of pictures of not Chelsea Handler. I am in a lot of stranger's photos. This time I waved like a princess. 

Chelsea Handler.  Poses like a professional.

Not Chelsea Handler.  Looks dazed and confused.