Desktop publishing - when I lived in London I had one of the greatest jobs ever. Except for the time when I had no job which was a great job but it meant a lot of just rice and nothing else. No job is only good when it comes with a lot of money.
Basically I got to go to work from midnight to 6am, sit with a bunch of Kiwis and Aussies, shoot the shit and play around on PowerPoint creating presentations all night long. PowerPoint is my favorite - if I had to vote on Word, Excel or PowerPoint* I would pick PowerPoint every time. Excel can suck it. Stupid formulas and calculations and pivot tables that no one really knows what they mean. Probably.
Every night I would be picked up from my house and driven to work out at Canary Wharf in a fancy car. I preferred Jags, but a Bentley now and again is nice. We all hated it when we got the stretch limo - in my neighborhood, it looked very out of place and I think my neighbors all thought I was a hooker. Which if it had paid as well as DTP and there was less smacking around of faces, skanky heels and dresses requiring a corset, I might very well have considered**. At the end of the shift, you had to take the tube home - think it was so we didn't get too uppity...
Sometimes there was leftover food in the conference rooms from earlier. How's that for job perks - free food and a fancy car ride. Sounds like kindergarten!
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| Probably a good opportunity to showcase my Desktop Publishing Skills. I don't know if you can tell but this is actually three separate pictures and I've seamlessly superimposed a limo pic with me in the back into a London setting. I am available for hire. |
Then I moved to Australia and shit got responsible. My advice, stay irresponsible for as long as you can, it's a slippery slope once you start out being all reliable and stuff. I ended up at a Telco as a Project Manager. I managed the shit out of their projects. And all without knowing what I was doing. I mean I can use a phone but that's about it...
Clearly that didn't work out so I quit, worked for a month on the JPMorgan Trading floor but it was very loud and angry and there were no donuts so I made my to 'Merica. Land of opportunity.
Land of opportunity wouldn't even give me a waitressing job despite years of experience. I guess they put down and pick up plates differently in this country. Probably something to do with the equator and time zones...
Eventually a consulting company took a chance on me and stuck me in as a Sourcing Manager at Freightliner. At the time, I wondered what a Sourcing Manager did***. Freightliner is owned by Daimler and you do not get a free truck when you join which is a bit mingy and I feel I was mis-informed. If you're wondering how exciting it was to work for a truck company, I can tell you. Not very.
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| Another example of my skillset although as I mentioned, no free trucks so this is also an example of my imagination at work... |
*Although why that would ever come up, I have no idea...
**Creative license, Mum, creative license. No need for concern
***Am getting very close to nailing this.
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