How To Ride A Horse

I have ridden a horse three times in my life. So am very good at it. The first time, my brother and I rode horses called Mr Muldoon and Annie and we were probably about 6 and 7. We sat on their backs while they were led a couple of times around a fenced area, then called it good and got off. Didn't think I needed to go more than a couple of times, clearly I had mastered horse riding immediately.

My third time was for a bachelorette party and went without incident. Probably because I am so good at it.

However, my second time is where all the action happened. As part of a fun school excursion, we got to ride horses for half the day and then hang* off the sides of a 4 wheel drive SUV while it spun around in the mud. I'm not sure what that's called. Other than dangerous.  But back to the horse riding.  Here's what not to do:

1. Pretend to the instructors that you have ridden a horse many times by using some horsey lingo* so that when you reach a clear open space and they tell all the "experienced " riders that they can let them go for a gallop, you have no choice but to go...
2. Get off.  While horse is traveling at speed.  However, I was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place - whilst on said gallop***, horse veered towards a fence and clearly had intentions of jumping it.  While my equestrian skills were certainly masterful, jumping was not something I had undertaken.  So I got off.
3. Get on.

*When I say hang, I mean hang, they had bars around the top that you held onto. Just a bunch of teenagers, hanging off all sides of the SUV. While it spun around. At speed.
**Might have gone something like this "Yeah, I was riding this morning so my jodphurs are in the wash. I have an Arabian, bred him myself (not entirely credible), just put the bit in so he wouldn't bolt after breeching and branding him. Did a bit of dressage...
***Immediately when horse took off, I suspected this might have been a terrible mistake.  Especially when I realized, I didn't know where the brakes were and yelling "stop" didn't work.