Sky Mall

Every time I fly somewhere, I look forward to the SkyMall magazine and all the incredible things that I can't possibly live my life without. Luckily there is the shopping channel for when I am at home.  Below is everything that you need to live a long and happy life.

• Skin tag and mole remover. I just don't understand how this works.  Skin tags and moles will fall off after regular application?  Where will they go? Will I wake up in a sea of moley, skin taggy things?  What if I'm on a date* and a mole drops on to the table?  How do I explain that? On a side note, a very good friend of mine once removed his own skin tag to impress a girl.  There was a lot of blood.  Then he made it in to a necklace and wore it for a while.  If you thought that couldn't get worse.  Surprise.  He cooked it.  And ate it.  But seasoned it well first.  I don't know how impressed she was but they got married anyway...

*I know. Unlikely. But so are skin tags and moles falling off your body...

•  Who here doesn't want to shower under a strobe light?  Apparently it creates a spa-like environment.  Who here has been to a spa where the lights are different colored LED's that cycle through while you're receiving a relaxing massage?  Cos that sounds ideal... 

• Now here's three things you had no idea you wanted to combine - bidet sprayer*, digital accessory caddy and toilet paper stand. God forbid you should get one of them confused.

*Apparently this is easily installed in a few minutes - suspect it plugs into the tank which just doesn't sound sanitary.  I mean that's why bidet's are separate from toilets, isn't it?

•  I don't even know if this works.  I just know that my circulation would start working on its own to spare my legs the embarrassment of this contraption.

At a pinch I would put same colored heels on with this and pretend they were thigh high boots.  I think I could make this a thing...

• GuitDoorbell - an acoustic guitar that gets strummed every time the door is opened. And if you're really lucky, it'll fall on your head and both of you will make sound...your sound will sound like f&%$

•  Human Slingshot: I think this is good clean fun until someone tries to modify it.  Like me. Let's get this thing off the ground and up in the air.  No, I don't know the logistics required to do that, I just want to shoot someone out of this from a great height and see what happens.  It's all fun and games until someone's leg falls off...

• Magic Benefit Panty - apparently it will fill out your jeans for you.  And enhance your bottom naturally.  Padding is apparently natural. I have some available arse that I'd like to donate if someone needs it...