Monday's Are Dumb

So first this happened....

There's always that one hard-boiled egg that just wants to be a little bitch...

And then this...

Most people would just shrug it off and get on with their Monday. Not me, I take it personally - the world is against me, it's an omen of things to come, the day is ruined and I can't go on. So I've decided not to be an adult today and do what I always do when things get difficult. If anyone needs me, I'll be under my desk...coloring.

Dating Experience: Lock and Key Party

Today is my one month Blog anniversary - shower me with gifts...
 
Awhile back my friend made me go with her to a party and I lost a little piece of my soul.  It was a Meet-up group for 40 and over (which doesn’t apply to me because I am pretending that I am not 40.  Also I am very immature and I don't like olives and everyone knows that until you do, you are still in your 30's). 

It was a Lock and Key party.  Go on, look it up, I did.  It was at a place called the Lexington Social house which looked decent but I was too busy having my name written incorrectly on my sticker.  "Hello, my name is Kristin and you better read it quickly because this is one of those cheap stickers that’s going to curl up and roll right off onto the floor and because it’s (a) not my name and (b) I don’t want anyone to talk to me, I’m just going to walk away…"

I don’t mean to be rude but I am. These people were old and limp. Mike is from somewhere in Orange County and he wants to know if I’ve been to one of these before. Me: No. Mike: I have. Me: Ok. Take your hand off my shoulder. I have a herpe.

John is in his late 50’s and he wants to know if I’ve been to one of these before. Me: No. John: Oh, why don't you come with me to the… Me: No. Stop looking at where I put my name sticker*. I have a herpe.

*Move sticker to forehead.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.  It got worse.  We were issued with locks for the ladies and keys for the men and there’s an endless procession of ick men coming over to stick their key in my lock.  And every single one of them thinks it's hilarious to ask if they can stick it in there – you're not original, I thought of that on the drive here.  If you’re unlucky enough to get it unlocked, then you get issued with another so the fun can continue.  The best part was the guys that twisted their key in the lock over and over as if there was some kind of mistake that it was not unlocking.  I think some of them were trying to have sex with my lock.  No.  

After a while, they stopped coming over to check – I updated my welcoming face from earlier in the evening and moved it to "don't". One woman came over to our table for a break – it’s exhausting work having keys stuck in your lock over and over again – and I asked her if she had been to many of these (don’t judge, it’s apparently the question to ask) and she said yes, tons – she goes to meet ups all the time.  So, I asked if she’d met a lot of great people. No, she said.  I asked if she had dated anyone – just one and he started stalking her, hiding in her bushes and she had to threaten him with the police.  So, that's good news and very promising.

We left - after the complimentary cocktail. Tried to get into the engagement party down the hall but it was a "Wear White" engagement party and we were in black and they noticed.

So, cross that off the bucket list.... 

Dumb Stuff I have Done...Just This Week Alone

Today I drove to work with the emergency brake (handbrake for the rest of the world) on. That doesn't say a lot for me but it really doesn't say much for the EMERGENCY BRAKE. Basically just a stick that makes the car smell burny when it's on.

At work there is a lot of construction going on and when you drive into the parking garage, you have to go underneath some scaffolding that's forming a bridge with workers on it and over some metal plates. Today I thought I would carefully drive around the metal plates because I had a sudden thought that the edges might puncture my tire. Because of my careful maneuver, my tires were not punctured at all...and I didn't the hit the scaffolding all that hard.

Walked into a clothing store (Guess, actually), was walking towards the back when I saw this girl that looked exactly me. And then I hit the mirror. So did she. I brushed it off by examining the mirror quality closely and then sauntered away. No one was fooled. So I nonchalantly leaned over a jewelery display case right next to a fan and my hair went into the fan. I still have most of it. The fan has the rest. Can't go back there again.

Thought I could do yoga at home by myself - got into yoga position. Still there. 

On a side note, did an asset inventory of my kitchen cupboards: 17 round Tupperware containers, 2 square lids.

Travelling Alone Tips

When you're very shy and you go to a foreign-speaking country for the weekend and you get there and there are no taxis to be found, you read your guidebook and you discover you have arrived on a non-working public holiday and there will be no taxis, so you walk two miles to your hotel.

And then you steel yourself to go out and have dinner alone and you position yourself in the corner where you won't draw any attention and just blend in and you order what you think is steak and mushrooms and they bring it to your table and then two chefs show up and flambe it and there are flames shooting up and everyone is staring and you have not blended at all.

Don't do it like that.

Weddings - Thoughts and Advice

I've been to a few weddings this summer and I think that qualifies me to give wedding advice.
 
Things I like about weddings:

1. You thought I was going to say free food and alcohol. Hah! 
2. Free food and alcohol
3. Wearing pretty dresses

Things I don't like about weddings:

1. Shaking hands and kissing babies
2. None of the gifts are for me
3. Holding stomach in all night after you ate too much and gave yourself a food baby.

Dessert at Weddings:
If you don't have any, I am not coming. Do you think cake travels well? Probably not. I went to this wedding recently and they had pies. Which was a great idea but not as good as MY pie idea. I wanted individual pies and I wanted apple and cherry and they decided to have the pies they wanted. What? I was going to fill my clutch with mini pies. Probably travels better than cake. Cos they have their own lids. Cake in a pocket is a bad idea.  But better than mousse.

Things I would like you to provide for me at your wedding:

1. Gift bags. With diamonds. And cake. And mini pies.
2. Single men.

Things to release at weddings:

1. Doves
2. Butterflies
3. Confetti
4. Bubbles

Things not to release at a wedding:

1. Prisoners
2. Gas
3. The Kraken

Notes for the wedding:

1. You know how when you were in kindergarten and when you went somewhere you always had to hold another kids hand and they were your safety buddy? Get one of those each for the wedding, they can remind you that you don’t have pants on, pull the piece of toilet paper off your shoe, un-tuck your dress from inside your undies etc 
2. Remember to eat –you paid for this food – get some. And then get some more. And pack some cake for the road. Or pies. See above.
3. Don’t do a special choreographed wedding “Thriller” dance.
4. Sorry I thought your “Thriller” dance idea was bad. I’m sure it will be awesome.
5. Wear Pants
6. Guests – if you don’t know your date’s last name, it wasn’t a good idea to bring them.

Notes on how to have a successful marriage:

1. If you’re going to fight, make sure you win. This will not work for one of you 
2. Don’t restrict shopping budgets. Be broke together
3. Don’t read self-help or relationship books. No good can come of knowing what each other is thinking.
4. If you decide to have kids, practice on an animal first but remember, you can put a collar and leash on a dog and drag it around the neighborhood, but not a child. Not legally anyway. Also you can’t leave a bowl of food and water out and go away for the weekend. Until they are 3.
5. No one’s butt looks big in anything and you have no opinion about it.
6. Go on many vacations. See many things. Take turns picking the destination (then if you have a stink time, you can hold it over the others head and be a martyr while acting magnanimously which is the key to a successful marriage)
7. Plant a tree. When you are old, you can sit under it and reminisce about your life together. Don’t get a slow-growing tree; you will look stupid lying down in order to fit under it.
8. Ignore all of this advice, it is untested.

Work

Apologies for the late posting today - I had to go to that other place all day today and work. Apparently I have to go back tomorrow too.

I'd really like to write about my day at work today but it might not bode well for my future employment so instead I compiled some stats:

Number of cups of coffee: I don't drink coffee but today I had three. Because it was a Monday. Also we have one of those machines where you stick a little packet in labelled Coffee (you can choose coffee from many different places around the world. Today I went Colombian) and then coffee comes out. And sometimes it jams when you do it wrong. Somebody did it wrong today. Just so you know, you can't fit two packets in at the same time just because you think you're making a double espresso. What happens is a double nothing and a big mess and then you have to lie to Maintenance about the person that allegedly used it before you.

Number of emails I sent: A lot. If my boss is reading this, I had my highest email output yield ever today.

Number of times I answered the phone and pretended it was a bad connection: Hardly any. If my boss is reading this, it really was a bad connection when you called. All four times.

Number of drive-bys past the muffins in the kitchen: 12.  But I just licked the tops.

Number of ergo assessments had today: 1. Apparently I am doing it all wrong. I should stop working. It's a Health & Safety issue

Number of work-related conversations with colleagues: 24.  I think there are things I'm supposed to do...

Number of non work-related conversations with colleagues: Absolutely none.  I would never do that. 

Work outfit score from the office: 10 out of 10*

*Scored by me

No. of corporate jargon terms I used today: 9. I'm not sure I have enough bandwidth. Let's synch up tomorrow and collaborate on that project. I'm going to need to benchmark those figures. It's not really their core competency. I'm a critical thinker. This is a game-changer. I'm going to target the low-hanging fruit. We're a matrix organization here except for those that are siloes. I'm looking for a seat at the table with the stakeholders.

No. of times I knew what I meant: None.

Things I dislike about work: Waking up. Working

Things I like about work: Apparently the coffee. This is a new and delightful surprise.

Most productive time of the day: 9:31am - 9:37am. I nailed it.

Thoughts I had while at work:

1. It's 11am and I just finished lunch. Now what am I supposed to do?
2. Go away Facebook, I'm trying to work
3. Work fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours
4. I should have been a ninja. I wonder where you apply. I look good in black
5. It's good to be at work. They have air conditioning
6. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to smile and write something down. There, "something". Please don't read my notes.
7. I'm gonna do some push-ups. Nope, too hard.

Well, that's a wrap on another day where I acted exactly like I knew what I was doing.

Professional Make-up Application

Today I am very busy or lazy so this is all you get.

Yesterday, I got my eyebrows waxed and there was a woman leaving the store who had just had her make-up professionally done. It was an amazing "smokey eye" look with a bit of pink and other colors that just made her eyes look luminous and her whole face looked perfect. I think she was really ugly before. Anyway, I bought the exact same make-up that the makeup lady used and we went through a mini workshop on how to use it and what goes where. I went home and practiced, so if anyone needs a perfect smokey eye...I can't help you. If you're looking for the battered black eye look, I'm all over it.

Terrible Accidents That Have Happened To Me

When candles fight...

Suicidal Orchid

Day is ruined

Game over.

 

Before photo of cat vomit on bathmat. For the sake of those with weaker stomachs, I won't post the after photo. Just know that the bathmat doesn't look like this anymore. Also, was probably not an accident...

Face-off between leather(ish) skirt and open drawer. 

 Drawer: 1. Skirt: 0. 

Kirsten:10 - Full refund.  Don't argue with me.

No comment - you know who you are.

Ceramic cheese knife vs. waste disposal

Does not double as eyelash curler.

The car is ruined.

Tossed phone onto the couch, bounced off 3 walls, hit a lamp and killed a small child

Bugger*

* Just kidding - he's not dead.

More Bold Claims and Signs

A lot of you are probably wondering - given that I work in the technology field - what kind of fancy digital camera I use for taking all my photos.  I call it my iphone.  Also you may be surprised to hear that I have no assistants and many of my photos are taken with my other hand.  Extensive training with Albert on when to push the button has resulted in a nap.  He's not good with buttons.

Not a bold claim.  Just 4 bison.  Because I liked them and it's my blog.

This never gets old.

Not true - there was a black and red one in the window.

Dear Pinks - who is making it "special" for you?  Aren't you making them?  Isn't it your hot dog stand?  Is there some unnamed third party that deserves all the Pink's kudos? Shouldn't it be that they are made "specially" for you or did that not fit on the sign? Or do you mean they are made "special" because you give each hot dog a lot of love?  This sign is very unclear to me.  I'm going need one of each to verify the signage.  With fries*.

*Very small print so that my trainers don't see it. Fries are naughty.

Did not change life.

Unclear as to which type of funk is being referred to.  It did seem a bit depressed and the man peeing in the corner helped give it a funky smell.  No sign of James Brown

I checked.  There was no magic.

Bigger and better than what?  A little short on details.  Note: This is the same store that promised magic so already I am skeptical about the validity of this claim.

You can't see all the writing but it says "Indian Cucina / California Accents".  So it's a blend of Indian/Italian/Californian cuisine which sounds like something I've never had before...

Only a sucker falls for this sort of deal**.

**Actually a good deal.

No work. No money. No nothing.

I did this.  Then I lifted a car off a child.  Then someone asked if I was 25.  I said yes. Next time will put clothes back on before attempting car thing.

Did not appear to be the ultimate.  Photo Bomb: Level McDonalds.

It occurred to me that I may get a bunch of free stuff from companies if I post their signs and demand verification.  Will add that to blog stats updates. Things I do not want from any of these signs:

• Farts
• Funk
• Venereal Disease***
• Meth***

***See previous post

How To Recognize When Online Dating Has Gone Wrong

These are guidelines only...

1. When you meet someone on an online dating site and you arrange your first date and then he calls and asks if you can pick him up because he can't drive because he has a DUI - this is known as a red flag and you should abort.
2. If however, you don't because of some misguided feeling that people deserve a second chance and you go to their house to pick them up and they are taking a nap - you should abort.
3. So, now you've woken them up and you're waiting for them to shower and get ready and they come out in a towel to show you their guns and flex for you. You should abort.
4. If you still persist in seeing this thing through, you drive to the "special" place they have selected for your first date. And you roll into the Denny's parking lot and you should abort. Not that you have anything against Denny's but when there are 1600 restaurants in the US alone, it doesn't feel so special.
5. Now you're here and you're in the heart of the date and it's time to start getting to know each other. So he shows you his collection of pictures of himself on his phone. Abort, abort!
6. Despite the rocky start and the realization that it's not going to go anywhere, you mentally congratulate yourself on getting out there and making an effort to start dating and he hits you up for a loan. For a new car. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and you abort. Out the window.

Bold Claims - Signage Gone Wrong

Nothing says "Welcome" like barbed wire

Claim Verified: No

I'll tell you what it can't do, it can't make a blog pay your bills...

Claim Verified: No

Do not actually clean crowns.  Or tiaras

Claim Verified: No

If by "Majestic you mean "ordinary and same as everywhere else", then yes.

 Claim Verified: See above

 

Never heard of them in New Zealand.  Therefore, not world-famous

Claim Verified: No

Very true - I tried soliciting and I was asked to leave

Claim Verified: Yes

This building is very smart - it "allegedly" has a PhD.  Unclear in what field

Claim Verified: No

So I did and now I can't fit in these jeans.

Claim Verified: No

For the alcoholic in your life.  Unable to substantiate claim that recovery gifts were indeed "InStyle" as I have no one to purchase for...

Claim Verified: No

Marketing Campaign: Level No.

Claim Verified: Afraid to

I'm sorry, I didn't know we were doing this together.  I wasn't paying attention...

Claim Verified: No

I think they could have safely left out the "sex" part and still come to the same conclusion...

Claim Verified: Not in person because I'm not allowed to do meth but I'm going to say yes

I'm not sure how you measure this.  It was right next store to Gay Frisbee which seemed to be giving it a run for its money.

Claim Verified: No

Well which is it - shoe repair or keys?

Claim Verified: No

Difficulty of Reverse: High.  Duration of Reverse: Long.  Honking of Horns: Unnecessary.  We all know what we did...

Claim Verified: Yes

Do not actually clean villages.  And do not find it amusing to be asked...

Claim Verified: No

I checked and they clean other stuff too.

Claim Verified: Yes

As opposed to "Work Time Liquor" or "Day Time Liquor" or "Quiet Time Liquor"? 

Claim Verified:Yes

Hah! A Likely Story*. 

*Might actually be a likely story as unable to translate...

Are these the things you can get at this clinic?

Claim Verified: No - because I didn't want to try

"The Last Great Hamburger Stand"

I think not - this is right across the street and it has customers...

Claim Verified: No

Hi.  Come someone come and get me.

Claim Verified: Yes

Umm, looks above ground to me...

Claim Verified: No

More like: SQUEEZE BODY IN. JUST DO UP TOP BUTTON. TRY NOT TO MOVE. NOD SLOWLY. CRY

Claim Verified: No