Happy Halloween

I love the Halloween traditions - buying a bunch of candy, locking yourself inside and eating it all with the lights turned down low so no one knows you're home.  Carving a pumpkin to rot on your porch until Thanksgiving, then pretending it belongs to the neighbors so you don't have to touch it.  Making a home-made costume - wearing your costume and having to pretend an 8 year old made it because you still don't know how to color in the lines.  

When I was growing up in New Zealand, Halloween wasn't something that we typically celebrated but because my father was American, he shared the tradition from his childhood. We don't grow the big orange pumpkins at home so he would have to carve one of the small dark green ones known as Buttercup. I looked for a picture so I could show you what they look like when carved but there are none. I have to give this one to America.  Good idea to go with orange. Even with a candle inside, they don't exactly glow the same way but we didn't know what it was supposed to look like and we loved it.

Buttercups - most ineffectual carved pumpkin ever.

I like Halloween but I'm a big scaredy baby about scary things - only movie I ever walked out of: Candyman. So even though I know it's not real, I'm still terrified. Candyman is real though. A friend once told me that if you watch a horror movie and block your ears, it won't be as scary because it's the music that really makes it terrifying. I disagree so I close my eyes. We were the perfect horror movie watching couple.  He couldn't hear a thing.  I couldn't see anything.  No one knew what was going on. Now, I find it easier to just not watch horrors.  It also really irritates me how in scary movies, the person about to be killed (a) goes to investigate when they clearly should get under the bed and play possum.  I do that at least 3 times a night and I'm still alive so seems pretty effective and (b) yells out "hello?" as if the killer is going to yell back - "yeah I'm in the kitchen making a coffee. You want anything?"
 
This year, against my better judgement, I agreed to go on the LA Haunted Hayride with a friend. It's up at Griffith Park which is where you go to bury all the people you kill. You get in the back of a trailer being towed by a tractor, sit on some authentic straw* and get dragged through the pitch black blackness. Along the way, you're terrorized by different scenes and creatures. There's the now defunct zoo filled with people being tortured in cages, the burning children at the orphanage, one of whom gave me a drawing she had done with the words "Help" on it. I did not help. Maybe if she'd been a cat in need...

Every step of the way, scary beings leap out and shove their faces in yours - they're not allowed to touch you but they get crazy close, especially when your "friend" is directing them towards you knowing you are terrified and she is merely amused. The gospel choir, circus and chanting monks did not make things better. They were dead. I was not expecting that. 

Public Service Announcement: 

• This ride is not for anyone that needs to sit in a chair. 
• This ride is not for anyone wearing heels and a nice frock. 
• This ride is not for anyone who is a big baby and has to apologize to everyone at the end for all the screaming**. 
• This ride is not for anyone who did not go to the bathroom first.
• There are no snacks on the ride.  Snacks would have made it less scary.  I could have thrown my snacks at the scary people***

So that was a good time.

My favorite part - food.

The best part about Halloween is the costumes**** but I much prefer the ones that are cobbled together from all the crap you have at home. I also don't understand how anything and everything can be sexified***** into a sexy costume.  Especially animals.

This one is billed as a "Courageous Lion".  I would like to see her with an actual lion - then we'll see how courageous she is.  Nice representation though, it looks exactly like all the pictures I have seen of lions.

This is a fox.  With a corset.  And shaved upper thighs.

Yep.  A deer.  I doubt she would last long out in the woods being hunted.  In her deer hoof heels.

 

And finally a sexy monkey.  When I met monkeys in India, they hissed at me, ate their own poop and tried to bite my head off.  I think I could take her.

But wait - this one is the best.  17 round tupperware containers and 2 square lids to the person that guesses what it is.

See end of post for answer

*I know it was authentic because it was uncomfortable and painful and a lot of it came home with me
**And a little bit of crying. But very brave crying
***Just kidding.  You can bite my head off before I give you my snacks.
****Lies. It's the candy.  Which I am not eating this year.  Just going to lick the tops. 
*****Spellcheck tells me this is not a word. Spellcheck is wrong. In fact "Spellcheck" is telling me that it itself is not a word so how can we believe anything it says.

ANSWER: Sexy Tarantula.  Even with all my costume fails, I think I did better than this.  There was the time I went as Steve Irwin "Crocodile Hunter" (everybody already thinks I'm Australian, seemed a perfect fit.  Only time ever that people said to me "Oh, I thought you were from New Zealand".  Fail.).  The next year I followed it up with the traditional dress of the New Zealand Maori.  Most unrecognized costume in America that year. This year I'm thinking of going as a sexy asparagus.  Which I will showcase in my house.  On the couch.  With the candy I bought for neighborhood children.  With the lights off. Watching happy movies.

How I do Yoga

Get to Yoga studio for first time, super exciting because everyone appears to have a nap mat. Have been prepping for this for some time by shaving legs in shower - it's a newer yoga pose. Luckily I had some wine before I came because I thought it would relax me more and I'd be more limber. I'm very relaxed. Drunk even. I'm in the yoga zone and reflecting on Drunk Yoga - is that a thing? I should make that a thing.

Up until now, none of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga so they're excited.  It's their chance to get off the couch. I might not have been to a studio, however, I've been doing a lot of Bikram yoga, except at room temperature and no stretching and in my bed and watching the TV. Going for the real thing now - going to make this a hobby*

When you're at yoga, you have to concentrate on nothingness and feel your inner peace. I'm having trouble finding my inner peace but I think it's cos I have the wrong pants on and this top is a different brand and my pants and top are fighting.  Nike Pants: 1.  Gap Top: 0.  Nike is wearing the pants in this relationship.  Wonder what would happen if I brought LuluLemon into the mix? Ok, back to thinking about nothing.  Why is nothing so full of thoughts?

1. I’m doing this! I’m totally this! I'm some kind of yoga genius.  I definitely burned off that free cake from work**
2. I need a new sports bra. I should get some lululemons. Not to fit in, just because I think I'll make them look really good. Then they'll probably want to give me free stuff. Yes, this will happen.
3. It’s definitely been an hour. Where’s the clock? Wait. There is no clock. No clock? This must be what prison is like***.
4. I probably have like a million text messages. Everyone must be wondering, “Where is Kirsten?”**** I didn’t even have time to tweet or check in.
5. I do not know any of these “songs.” I think whales are singing to tropical rain forests. It's really hard to sing along. Note: Don't pick this at karaoke.
6. I’m dying. Getting in this position was a bad idea. I'm going to need help.
7. I’m totally going to eat cake after this. Or maybe salmon. Got it – salmon cake. Brilliant.
8. Breathe in on 1 and out on 2, in on 1,out on 2...shit, I'm off. Yoga is not for the rhythmically challenged. Too much breathing in, not enough out, can't conti....

*I'm a master of starting new hobbies.  Three this week alone.  I'm so good at new hobbies that I only have to do them once and then I'm done.
**Note to self: Just because it’s free, doesn’t make it fat-free. I should tweet that.
***Ask person next to me if they think it's been an hour. THIS IS AN HOUR AND A HALF CLASS! How did this happen? When I was drinking? I've got to get out of here. Somebody call me and pretend it's an emergency. What's that, Timmy fell down the well again? I'm on my way.
***Confirmed at end of class. No one was wondering

Flasks And Foraging - A Two Part Special

A while ago, I got the idea that I needed a flask – it was one of those things that you got back home when you turned 21. Something your friends banded together and bought and sometimes even engraved it for you. Not my friends but everyone else's friends - that's ok, friends, I’m sure you got me something else, even though the only thing I have ever needed/wanted in my life is a flask.

So, I found myself a really cute flask - one for me and one
for my friend because we have visions of us going to sporting events*, concerts and sneaking into LA hotel pools and avoiding expensive bar prices by bringing our flasks.  Which we will then drink out of. Surreptitiously.

In hindsight - I could have bought a cheap flask and stuck a picture on myself but I chose to pay $25 instead.

And then I had an even better idea for the flasks after trying to buy some very cool, second hand wrought iron garden furniture in a mint green color – color not so cool but I had a plan for that too. Called spray paint. The furniture's at this place called Rehab Consignment and I keep driving past so I can go and see how much they want for it and they’re never open. So one day last week when I was working from home**, they were finally open. I think they also keep the people in rehab there too but they’re not for sale. But back to the furniture - the point is that I was going to take it off their hands so that (a) they didn’t have a comfortable place to go sit and drink/smoke crack etc anymore, thus helping them with their addiction and (b) so that I could have a trendy retro outdoor set for me and all my friends*** to sit on. The bad news: apparently they want $900 for it (they must be on crack****). In cash. Which is never a good idea in a rehab place…that incidentally is next door to a bar, which also seems like a terrible idea for recovering addicts. Hyperion Public – not a bad place, a little dark inside in the bar part but I don’t think addicts mind that. And one time, they gave us burrata on a plate, just by itself, just cos we wanted burrata. I know, right?

So, the net result is that I still don’t have any outdoor furniture but I like the idea of getting some second hand stuff and doing it up. Right up until the point where I don't.  This might be one of those hobbies# where I get bored about twenty minutes in to it and stop and have half finished furniture.  Have you met my dining room table? Which I started refinishing about 6 years ago. It’s close. Better than the cot that Dad started building when he found out Mum was pregnant with me.  It’s not quite finished. 

Initially I thought I would make my own furniture and then I looked at a few patterns (recipes?) and the measuring part of it, which has never been my forte - owing to the large amount of mathematics that seems to be involved - got me a bit confused and I quit. Also the building part. 

This is taking a long time to get to the point which is not about furniture really but flasks and things I will do with flasks but furniture does come into it.   Tomorrow.  Or next week.  Or whenever I feel like finishing this...

*Not Really 
**I was working but I just happened to be taking a break in my car and not being at home. 
***Yes, by friend I mean my cat.  Let's all stop pretending.
****Not funny. But a little bit. 
#Not like cake decorating.  I am totally dedicated to that.  It's just that I am finished now. 

More Nemeses

• Cobwebs - it's not even the spiders, it's that you can't see what your face is covered in and removing them is like trying to brush your hair with boxing gloves on*. Also, it's the spiders. Because they might turn into cockroaches.**

• Valet Parking - they always open the door before you have all your stuff so your exit is awkward and rushed and when in a dress, unladylike. And heaven help me if I'm wearing heels as well. I may as well just open the door and fall out. This has happened and let me tell you, it's very hard to come back from and look dignified. And then you can never go there again. I never have the right change AND money for a tip so then it becomes a "hi - here's $2 in quarters and a $1 in pennies.  I put it in this plastic sandwich bag for your convenience". Also, I feel like they don't like my music because it's always turned off when I get back in. There are a lot of places I can never go back to because of valet parking.

• Quicksand - ever since Tarzan got trapped in it, I've had a fear of quicksand. It's like bears, you're just not sure what you can and can't do. Although I don't recommend the fetal position in quicksand and that's my go to when threatened by a bear. Which has never happened. But I believe in practice. Oddly enough, quicksand seemed like a bigger threat when I was kid and felt the danger of running into it was always imminent***.

Despite all my fears, I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

*Verified - I tried just to make sure this was valid. Just finished cutting hair brush out of hair. Which can also not be done with boxing gloves on. Very little can be done. Punching is fine though.
**Unsubstantiated but it's only a matter of time
***Quicksand has never been found in my home town. Which doesn't even make it close to imminent. It makes it very far away and unlikely. Which is exactly when quicksand will get you.

Weekly Round-up

• Cruise to Mexico is back on and booked despite the Government trying to shut me down. Turns out you can have three to a room for the same price.  When I get a roadblock thrown at me like that, I like to fall apart, bemoan how unlucky I am and announce that my life is over while stomping out of the room and slamming the door.  Surprisingly enough, there's usually a solution.  Which makes my dramatics look a little overly dramatic.  So, apologies to the Government and I take back the stomp and slam.
• Audience Stats - To my friends and followers in Iceland - "sefshfjshf!"*. Also welcome to Vanuatu, Spain, South Korea and Afghanistan.  
• Blog Monetary fund: Empty.
• Tupperware - still have 17 round containers and 2 square lids.  Willing to trade for a lot of money** to add to aforementioned Blog Monetary Fund.
• Achievements/Hobbies: 

1. Cake Decorating - Level: Extreme (know your limits). 
2. Blind Putting-Up - Level: Not Quite Competent (currently stapled to wall)
3. Earthquake Training & Awareness - Level: Pretty Good As Long As I Can Take My Purse.  
4. Parenting - Level: Gold Star for Imaginary Children (B- for cat due to eye incident)
5. Dating - Level: Could Use some Work. 
6. Guitar Playing - Level: Fail***

• Cockroach -seems to have left of his own volition.  I left a picture lying around of dead cockroaches to send a message.  I think he went out the cat door and down the ramp.  

 

• Albert got his first fan mail - he was sent a packet of Mickey Mouse band-aids by a friend who was concerned that Hello Kitty was damaging his manly reputation**** - so the next time he has a booboo and his eye falls out or his leg falls off, I'll slap on a mickey band-aid and call it good.

*Not a word. Made it up. Testing them to see if they're paying attention
**A lot of money is probably a billion, I think.
***Although have not actually started.  I decided to teach myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision, cause I didn't know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
 ****To be fair, I did have him neutered so his lack of manliness is partly my fault. I had his reproductive man parts ripped out so it's possible it's not his fault that he's such a pussy.

Cake Decorating - Part 3

And now we reach the last stage of what I am already a bit bored with. This frosting/decorating thing is a very expensive hobby for a one-time hobby that I'm about to do for one time. I think I'm a bit OCD and ADD which means I do everything perfectly, just not for very long.  But, I'm totally focused and ready to do this - nothing will detract from my commitment.  Oh look, a puppy.

Fondant in a thousand different flavors, a fondant lifty uppy thing, fondant smoothy thing, leopard print duct tape sheets (to tape the cake together if things go horribly wrong) and fondant cutter. Apparently different from a knife and therefore essential.

So things went well - started at 6pm, ended at 3am, was ready to be done at 7pm. Now, that I am a master baker and decorator*, I feel I can share some tips:

• Get everything ready and have different stations for each stage of the process. Visit the wine station first.

Hands-free wine

• Safety first - do not decorate when angry or in an angry place. No one got hit by a rolling pin but I did feel threatened and in an unsafe environment at times.
• Do not give advice. You will get smacked in the head by a spatula**. Constructive criticism only works when you constructively criticize yourself and even that never goes well for me.
• Toothpicks are your friend. Just because you use your mind to keep a cake element in place, does not mean it will. Please eat the cake carefully - it will not be like looking for a needle in a haystack, unless the cake is the needle.
• When dying white fondant to another color, you will reach a point when you think the color will never even out. You will be right.
• If you select yellow fondant and think you can make it better by adding more yellow. You are wrong. So you will add orange. And then you will try and correct that by adding brown. Then you will start over.

Hepatitis Hands

•  Before rolling fondant. Stretch. 

Before we started rolling, our arms were flabby and un-toned.  We owe everything to fondant.

• Before rolling fondant. Get someone else to do it
• While rolling fondant your arms will get tired. Just quit.
• While rolling fondant, wear a headband. It will stop you from getting salty fondant.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, it will go badly.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, keep in mind that you will do this several times. Then you will just accept that sticking fondant lumps on as patches is not standard practice but you no longer care.
• Part way through you will look at what you have made and realize that you have made an egg. Your theme is jungle.

Caution: Not a real egg

Finally you will finish. The end result:

Made a zebra/giraffe cake.  Put ears on it.

Photo bomb: Level Giraffe

Despite my scoffing at Schmistine's lofty goals for her first time, she nailed it.  Actually literally nailed it.  And glued it and threatened it.  Nothing is moving.  However, Schmistine tells me she has learned her lesson and will next time just attempt a small round cake...and create a world globe. 

Her son has just started pre-school and they're having a bake sale - so while the other mothers show up with banana bread loaves, Schmistine, will show up with this.  Just a little something she whipped up the night before.  Take that, other mothers.

For those that think this is amazing, you are right.  I did an amazing job.  While I may not have done the actual decorating, I was there every step of the way giving advice, constructive criticism, eating the fondant, rolling out fondant to replace what I just ate, fixing holes I made after careless rolling pin placement, holding the hot glue gun and I must have rolled fondant for it for a good 10 seconds.

Cake is totally edible.  Cardboard, rhinestones and glue will probably not have a detrimental effect on you.  Eat at your own risk.  Step aside fondant, this is case for glue.

So, I think we can call this hobby a success...and infinitely better than any of these...

Does anyone want to eat this? Worst baby shower cake ever

Sometimes it works better in your head...execution is difficult

Why you never relay the message over the phone

*Self-appointed
**Rubber ones hurt more than wooden

Nemesis - The First On the List

I have nemesis's. Nemesisi? Nemesisses? Nemeses? What the hell do I have if I have more than one?? What I am trying to say is that I have several things that I am in mortal terror of and can also now add "pluralization"*. According to the dictionary, nemesis" is something that is your downfall. Which sounds about right when I think about cake.

However, my biggest nemesis is this...the cockroach. Recently, this morning, while lying prone on the couch trying to recover from making breakfast, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a cockroach. Let me be clear, this is the first cockroach I have seen in my house since I moved to LA and is in no way a reflection of my cleaning habits which my mother can attest to being obsessive. I learned everything I know from her. If you pay someone to come and clean your house, you must clean it thoroughly yourself first so that they do not think you are pigs. If you are going on vacation, you must vacuum the ceilings. Regardless of how high and difficult it is, you must get up on ladders and scaffolding and wash your windows - fear of falling and killing yourself is second to fear of people seeing your dirty windows. Also, in case the Queen comes to visit, you must always have freshly washed floors and you can't use a mop, you must get down on your hands and knees. Because the more pain you are in, the cleaner it will be.

Anyway. I don't like cockroaches - nobody does but I have a mortal fear of them. Spiders are fine but cockroaches will kill you**. We get a lot of them in New Zealand and my mother will tackle the shit out of them - they run when they see her. This one saw me and raised its middle finger***. I looked at him and yelled "release the hounds". But, I don't have hounds. I also don't think they attack cockroaches but I had to do something effective****. Then I got the cat, placed his right (and only) eye in front of the cockroach and gave the attack command. He looked at the cockroach, then at me and went to his safe place under the couch. I am starting to question his usefulness. In anything.

So I have done the only thing I can do, called my mother to fly out and fix the problem. I've packed a bag and I'll be at the hotel down the road until the situation is resolved.

*Thought it wasn't a word, looked it up, is a word. Faced my fear and no longer have plurals on the nemesis list.
**Not confirmed by anyone but me because one of them told me he would kill me and he was very convincing.
***Cockroaches have very small fingers that you can't see. Probably.
****Not effective

Cake Decorating - Part 2

Let's bake, bitches*! 

I know, I can't really pull that off. I think it's my delivery. I think if I said it while brandishing a spatula, it would really help.

If you don't know what I'm talking about then I suggest you go back and read my previous post, Cake Decorating - Part 1.  How can you expect to know what is going on in my life if you're not following me every minute of the day?

I decided to bake my cakes on Sunday just in case there was an accident and I ate them before decorating day. There was an accident. So I baked some more on Monday. And then I baked even more because one of them picked a fight with me and refused to rise more than an inch. I decided to do gluten-free cake mix because I'm allergic to wheat and in case there was an accident and I ate them, then it wouldn't aggravate my allergy.  One of my better ideas.  

See how it mocks me knowing its evil no-rise oven plan

Those lumps that you see are called laziness.  

These beaters were not cleaned in my mouth...

So, now I'm ready to decorate. In the future, I will have people do this baking part for me. It's just too open to accidents. Also I'm very busy with the ideas part. I want you to know that I had big plans to attach a video of me making the cake from start to finish including measuring the ingredients (I don't actually measure. Measuring is for amateurs. A real chef estimates. Which is why this real chef had to do it again), using the mixer (FYI - a hand mixer is not like a KitchenAid mixer, you can't turn it on, prop it up and walk away. That will result in the bowl moving to the floor, lying on its side and the mixer spraying batter everywhere. Which only happened once - I'm a very fast learner) and dropping the cake pan upside down when trying to put it in the oven (silicone cake cans are very flimsy and you should use both hands because once they start to wobble, catching them mid-air is not a viable option). The video was going to have Donna Summer playing in the background with the perfect baking song but I hit a technical hitch called "I don't know how to do it."

Tonight is the night to decorate, there might be tears.  Don't cry Schmistine, don't cry.  It will still taste good...

*Sorry Schmistine, I didn't mean you were a bitch.  I was just trying to be cool.  I'm sorry I'm not cool.  Is it the spatula?

Weekends

Every once in a blue moon every Saturday and Sunday, I like to sleep in, laze around, not get showered or dressed and do nothing. It's kind of my secret shame and I'm exposing it to the world (because the world reads my blog) in the hopes that I will do something about it. Which is unlikely. I do lie in bed and feel guilty about the kids having to get their own breakfast, entertain themselves and get ready for the day and then I remember that I have imaginary children and they are just fine. In fact I'm doing an excellent job of raising them. I give myself 10 points and stay in bed. The only problem is that during the week, dragging myself out of bed when the alarm clock goes off looks like a zombie apocalypse but on the weekends, I'm wide awake at 6am - I lie there and focus really hard on going back to sleep but it's useless. My body says sleep but my brain wants to lie there and think about every stupid decision I've ever made.  Which is a lot.

This Saturday was no exception so I lay and read instead. Then I got hungry so got up and took laziness to a whole other level - put a skirt on and wore it as a dress because I was too lazy to put on a top. I barely made it to the couch before I had to sit down and relax some more. I tried to mentally cook my eggs but that does not work. So I sat there and weighed up my laziness versus my hunger. Laziness reigned supreme for another hour and then hunger reared its ugly head so I made food. Which was exhausting and resulted in a another spell on the couch.

I thought about doing some laundry which also does not actually mean laundry gets done. Even if you think real hard. Eventually you catch up on all your recorded shows and boredom makes you leave the house. So you go to Rite-Aid and have a fight with the photography department - turns out 2 day photos means 7 day photos. If your original offer was an hour, how is it now taking 7 days?  Stop off at Target to buy a cake pan and spend the equivalent of a small country's GDP. Drop in at the local 99c store and get the same amount of stuff as purchased at Target for $25. Drive back to Target and return the mango cutter, ornamental pepper plant and both skirts. Drive to Trader Joe's, circle parking lot several times looking for a car park, decide that food is not necessary this week and go home to collapse on the couch. Again. And that was just Saturday.

Sunday was a little bit different because I'd made plans to meet a friend at the Farmer's Market, which I immediately regretted once I woke up and the laziness took over. But plans are plans so I made my way there. I cannot in all honestly say that I showered. But I did leave the skirt-dress-top combo at home. And of course it was totally worth it once I got there. Turns out, I actually saved myself some time and effort by eating samples - that way you don't have to make yourself breakfast.

After all that excitement, it was time to head back to the couch. And then without any warning, Sunday was over.  Thankfully I accomplished all of my goals of nothing. I'm an over-achiever.

I make no apologies for my laziness, I'm just sorry when someone knocks on the door and I get caught with bed hair and a skirt as a dress*. I work hard during the week and one of the joys of being childless and single is that you can do whatever you want...because you are hidden away in your house and no one can see your shame. Also, this is all lies, I actually ran 20 miles both days, cleaned house from top to toe, did my laundry and everyone else's in the neighborhood, wrote an award winning novel, made cakes for bake sales at my imaginary kids' school and changed the oil in the car. What did you do?**

*However I do crawl around on the floor like a ninja so that they can't see me.  On occasion this has backfired and I have been seen crawling around the floor, apparently in a very un-ninjalike fashion.
**Sentence designed to make you feel lazy and inadequate which is totally unnecessary because obviously I didn't do any of those things, I am trying to make a point which has gotten lost because I forgot what it was.  If you're feeling like you might be a bit lazy, here are the 5 symptoms of laziness:

1. 

Taking a well deserved break after writing the title to my new blog post...

Sorry, I'm on a break.
 
You know that feeling though when you steel yourself to write a report, letter, project plan etc and it's been preying on your mind because of all the things you need to include and you just need to get started? So, you prepare yourself, make a cup of coffee, get comfortable in front of the computer with all your papers and get started by firmly typing in the title. 

Right, think that's enough for today. Time for a break.

That's what's happening today...

Great California Shakeout - Update

Nailed it.

Great California Shake-out

This morning we have earthquake training along with millions of other Californians. At 10:17am we're all going to Drop/Cover/Hold. I'm going to do it a little differently - I'm going to Stop/Put Cup of Tea Down/Carefully drop to the ground*/Get under my desk**/Phone a friend***/Get comfy.

I know this is a very serious matter and I want to take it seriously but I also have a meeting right after so will probably have to take that under the desk as it's going to take me a while to get back up. Also was a skirt and heels the appropriate outfit for an earthquake drill? Does the earthquake care how I look? One of my co-workers has just asked if they can come hang out under my desk but I think there's only room for me and even if someone was in my office visiting me at the time an earthquake struck, I'd have to say "Get Out". It's everyone for themselves in these kinds of situations. Unless he had cake in which case I would take his cake and then tell him "Get Out".

I know, I know - it's all fun and games until an earthquake hits and someone loses an eye.

I think we have to stay under the desk until the floor warden comes around and tells us it's safe - I would think in a real earthquake that once the shaking stops, that would be self-evident and if it's not, is she really going to know that? I'm pretty sure she's not a seismologist but I'll ask.

Do you think there will be prizes for the best "sitting under desk****"? I hope I win a prize, I'm going to be the best at it. In fact, I'm going to get under now because I'm an overachiever.

*I have a bad back and nothing happens fast. Hopefully the earthquake will understand and be patient with me. Maybe hold off until I'm securely under my desk?
**With handbag and phone - I know you're not supposed to grab things like that - or is that when the fire alarm goes off? I'd just like to have my phone so I can call for help or a small snack. Like pizza. In which case I'll need my credit card. From my handbag. Also my lip balm. Also I could play ScrambleWithFriends while I was waiting for rescue.
***Always good to have company, hopefully we can still talk over the bells and whistles going off
****Drop/Cover/Hold

Cake Decorating 1

My friend and I have taken up a new hobby. And by taken up, I mean we haven't done it yet but it's going down next week. We're in the ideas phase. This is different to my other hobbies that didn't really take. Like exercise. It's still in the ideas phase.  

We're going to become master cake decorators (just in our spare time - she's too busy with her real job and I'm too busy making money off my blog). We're on a strict timeline to nail this hobby:

1. Recon mission to Michaels scheduled for tomorrow. Hoping to keep ourselves* in check and not buy everything we don't need and will only use one time when we get bored of our new hobby.  Tomorrow.
2. Individual cake baking on Monday - already we know that you don't frost cakes straight from the oven...learned that the hard way.  Has anyone ever taken the cupcakes your Mum baked for the school bake sale and eaten them on the way?  Yeah, me either.
3. Tuesday is D-Day. Decorating Day - technically night because we're not allowed to decorate cakes at work.  They're stifling me. We're very excited about non-confirmed self-diagnosed creative genius.

My friend (who in order to preserve her anonymity, I will just say that her name rhymes with Schmistine), has chosen to make a designer shoe and shoebox for her very first attempt at cake decorating. Who else thinks this is an overly ambitious idea? Who else is not gonna say a word**? My concern with Schmistine is that she's been a little all over the place with the cake design choice - we've gone from a diversity cake (she works in Supplier Diversity) to a castle and now a shoe. All I know is that she's reading this so I am very supportive of all her choices.

Diversity Fondant?

I just want to go on record with the following predictions - I'm not saying it's Doomsday because obviously I'm a very positive person***, I'm just saying...when attempting to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Department usually uses water.  And so it begins...
 

I am Pro-cake.  I am also Pro-eating it

1. I predict that we will be drunk decorating - not me Mum, Schmistine.  She's a terrible influence.
2. I predict the high heeled shoe will become a flat. The shoe box will hit me in the head when I point this out.
3. Someone will have to cut fondant out of their hair.  I vote for Schmistine 
4. I predict that the end of the night will involve the two us collapsed in a heap on the floor, eating fistfuls of cake

And so it ends...

Net Result??

So stay tuned to see what actually happens****. If mine is a huge success, you will hear about it.  Also if hers is a huge disaster, you will hear about it.  If mine is a huge failure, we will never speak of this again... next hobby?

*I'm very concerned about Schmistine, she really has no control.  Unlike me.  I really needed that fondant photo printer and cutter.  Not true but I'm getting it.  Don't tell Schmistine.
**I actually said many words about this but now I have learned my lesson
***And a liar
****Clever marketing ploy to get you to keep reading...you'll never know when part 2 will come up so you keep checking and reading every day...only to be hopelessly disappointed.  

Flow Chart of How the Government Shutdown Has Affected Me...

For those that I have upset by making light of the situation, please refer to my serious political blog that I haven't written for my real viewpoint.

I actually didn't think that the Government Shutdown would have such a direct impact on me. But, here we are.  Bear with me as I need to provide some background.  Since it's too expensive to go home to New Zealand for Xmas and I don't have enough vacation time to make it worth the expensive, I've been looking for alternative Yuletide options.

I found the perfect solution - a Xmas cruise to Mexico. With my statutory holidays and only a couple of days leave, I can go on a 6 day cruise to Cabo and Puerta Vallarta. Everything is organized for me and it includes all my food.  I can gamble in a floating casino - if I knew how to and had someone else's money to spend*.  I can sing karaoke - if I could sing more than a monotone and a high pitched squeal.  Eat anything I like - as long as it's gluten-free. Also I am allergic to food and frequently break out in fat. I can play mini-golf - except for my tuberculosis arm (see previous blog post).  Go to the gym** and do sporting activities. I play sports***. Sounds perfect, right?

However, I didn't much fancy going on my own. Old men are partial to Kirsten and I didn't want an awkward incident with Santa. So, I asked my friend if she wanted to come, which of course she did and she invited two more to the party. Now, one of the friends works for Homeland Security and if you're very smart you can probably make the connection about how this is all going to end. And for the rest of you...I'm very pleased that Mr Homeland Security is coming as he will be able to protect us from danger. Obviously on a cruise there are ninjas and pirates and lasers and shit. But here's the kicker, he's been waiting to find out if he has a job in the Caribbean so he can figure out timing. So I had to sit and wait patiently, which I am excellent at. I restricted myself to asking if he's heard anything just twice a day. Which is not annoying at all. 

Our target date to book was the beginning of October which coincides with when he will hear back - any later and we might not be able to get accommodation. Unfortunately the Government's target date to screw with my plans was also the beginning of October. So now they have shut down without asking me how I feel about it and Homeland Security cannot sit there and make an employment decision because that would constitute thinking and thinking means working and they are not allowed to think work.

So I hear you thinking (which you are allowed to do as long as you don't work for the Government), there must be a solution to this - why don't you just book your own cabins and hope that your own private security detail can join you and there will still be availability.  Well, because single occupancy is as much as what it is costing us to have the Government shut down. 

*Hi Someone else.  Please send money.
**Don't be ridiculous, I'm on vacation. Honestly, I wish someone would do something about how lazy I am. I really felt like I wanted to work out this morning but then I wanted to not workout more. So...
***No I don't.

1 Ridiculous. No one says no to me, especially when I am accompanied by a giant boat full of fun, food and stuff that I don’t even know about yet.

So, in conclusion, the Government has ruined Xmas. 

FYI - I fully support Obama and when I say Government, I mean everyone involved that ruined Xmas. To my Republican readers - hi. Please keep reading my blog.